Come down and perform an episode of "Spy vs. Spy." Pretty open-ended, pretty high-concept.
ASSWIPE JONES (freshmen)
Good sneaking and skulking, perhaps the best skulkers of the night. No costumes, but a rolled up cone nose. Due to their limitations, we got a white spy and a blue spy, but we didn't mind that. No story or nuthin', but one of the Spys took a terrible fall and for a second, we thought he broke his arm.
THE THIN RED LINE/ LET'S GET A TACO
An attempt at costuming, and an attempt at a story. It involved something about one Spy's bulletproof vest causing the other one to fall into a trash compactor. So they did have the "switcheroo" at the end that we were most definitely looking for. But they talked while they were doing it! Talking in "Spy vs. Spy" is a no-no!
They couldn't have been dressed more unlike the Spys on purpose. They talked. They talked a LOT. Minimal props, exemplified by their bow-and-arrow, which was a piece of paper with "BOW AND ARROW" written on it (but we kind of liked that). Not much story, but they did have a switcheroo-- the White Spy was getting fellatio from a woman who had to walk through the skit with a sign reading "WHORE." She also had to get on her knees in front of the guy and bob her head up and down. It was wrong. The Black Spy shot an arrow at the preoccupied White Spy, but his convulsive head motion at the precise moment of orgasm jerked it out of the arrow's path. They did remember to do the double "V" for Victory sign at the end. We all felt badly for the woman in this skit.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
Very short, with lotsa incoherent screeching. They did incorporate Morse Code (very nice), the "V" for Victory ending, and Don Martin sound effects such as BWOING. (Don Martin didn't actually do "Spy Vs. Spy," but we got the idea.) Included the best diabolical grin of any team. They also came down first. We liked 'em.
Incredible props, including a six-foot lamp wrapped with Christmas tinsel. We weren't quite sure what it was supposed to be, but they did lug it all the way to Baxter. Their bomb was by far the closest thing to a "Spy Vs. Spy"-looking prop of the night. Chaos had a good but convoluted storyline that befit their team name, involving the bomb, a gun, the Williams College fire marshall, and the "V" for Victory ending. Some truly excellent mime by the White Spy.
CAN'T.... DO.... PLAID (thud)
They brought down a boom box so that their skit could have the "Peter Gunn" music in the background. They had a lifesize cutout of a Star Wars storm trooper, draped in a trench coat for very, very little reason. They had a crossbow, a bomb, and a knife (and the written sound effect "STAB"), plus top-notch costumes, and two-count-em-TWO plot twists in which the Spy's plan backfired TWICE, thereby succeeding. Just a whole lotta good stuff.
THE WEAK AND THE COWARDLY HAVE NO PLACE IN SHUFFLEBOARD
They had a team member playing oom-pah-pah style on the tuba. Let's see if I can do their storyline justice. The Black Spy enters, holding the Best Freshman Team trophy which he has stolen. Just then, Pope John Paul II walks in. His Holiness took the trophy from the Black Spy and placed it inside the White Spy's tuba before leaving. We felt that the Black Spy had a terrific look of chagrin at this point. And so the Black Spy and the White Spy began duelling. Each produced a bowling pin from their spy suits as the first weapon, causing a standoff. Next, both opponents unveiled identical cans of Spam. Still no go. Just then, the Pope returned and removed his big pointy miter, revealing a piece of mistletoe. This automatically forced the Black Spy to kiss him. (That dirty Pope was really biased in favor of the White Spy.) Then the Pope placed the mistletoe over the Black Spy's head. The White Spy simultaneously kissed the Black Spy while using this opportunity to seize the trophy for himself. In the ensuing action, the Black Spy died, but at least his corpse received a full papal blessing at the end. Spam, tuba music, and the Pope: how can you go wrong?
INDEFATIGABLE BROBDINGNAGIAN FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFACATRICES
They had a tuba too, and used it to play "Peter Gunn" in the background (some
weird coincidences between teams in this Action). There was also a saxophone
and a trumpet. The White Spy surprised the Black Spy and held him at bay
with a gun. But the Black Spy produced a super-powerful magnet (actually a
toilet seat), which pulled the gun away. Advantage: Black Spy! However, the
tactic had the unfortunate side effect of attracting the tuba player, sax
player and trumpeter. Their combined weight crushed the Black Spy to death,
signified by two X's being placed over his eyes (a marvelous "Spy Vs Spy"
touch), and the White Spy did all the appropriate "V" hand gestures and
celebrating. A witty surprise and the closest approximation of the content
and pace of a genuine MAD episode by any team.