"It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women." - Scott Adams
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry
"Yeast is a wonderful little plant or animal that, despite the fact that it only has one cell, has figured out how to convert sugar to alcohol. This was a far greater accomplishment than anything we can attribute to giant complex multicelled organisms such as, for example, the Secretary of Transport." - Dave Barry
"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself pleasure" - Ambrose Bierce
There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation." - John Ciardi
"And I'll tell you another place that there's no booze... Communist Iraq!" - Adam Corolla
“May I say Dan, having resumed drinking alcohol, I cannot for the life of me understand how I ever could've given it up.” - A. W. Merrick, Deadwood
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - Jack Handey
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'" - Jack Handey
"Always do sober what you'd said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." - Ernest Hemingway
"Please don't do cocaine... you don't have enough money!" - Sharon T. Jacobson
"We drink and we die and continue to drink." - Denis Leary, Traditional Irish Folk Song
"If people are injured from the use of liquor, the injury arises not from the use of a bad thing, but from the abuse of a good thing." - Abraham Lincoln
"The only time I ever said no to a drink was when I misheard the question." - W.C. Fields (in honor of Samir K. RanadO)"Ooh i do like vodka... it's so damn right on an empty stomach!" - Max Kaganov
"What's up with all this 'Liquor before beer...' crap? All you need to know is, 'Booze before booze, you never lose.'" - Lee Jacobson
"Anyone who has followed MADD since their inception 20 years ago knows that they have gradually drifted from the worthy mission of keeping drunks off the road into becoming a band of expansionist neo-Prohibitionists, eager to end happy hours, increase alcohol excise taxes and penalize every driver who has had anything stronger than a spoonful of cough syrup." - Matt Labash
"Stupid Mets... giving away their best drunk. - Bill McGrath, on the Mets not re-signing Mike Hampton, who also enjoys RedBull and Vodka.
"Whack for my daddy-o, there's whiskey in the jar-o" - Metallica (Thin Lizzy Cover), Whiskey in the Jar
"Keep your libraries, keep your penal institutions, keep your insane asylums... give me beer. You think man needs rule, he needs beer. The world does not need morals, it needs beer. It does not need your lectures and charity. The souls of men have been fed with indigestibles, but the soul could make use of beer." - Henry Miller, "Make Beer For Man"
"Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question." - Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961
"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan"Wasted, wasted I get so wasted / Sometimes I can't get up the stairs..." - Jimmy Newquist, Psycho
"Sheets can be kept clean by getting drunk and falling asleep with your clothes on." - P.J. O'Rourke
"When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get." - Homer Simpson"Sugar makes the world go 'round. Caffeine makes it spin faster." - The Cube SOMAD, Forum 2000
"You mentioned that we are going to "to drink a little," which I don't understand. Nihil in moderato." - Galen "Danger" Thorp '04
"My own personal philosophy is actually an amalgam of the Epicureans, the Stoics, and the Cynics: Everyone's a lying bastard, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's all have a drink." - Bryan Trosko
"So as my social life goes into hibernation and I dust off the playstation I have no fear for beer is at my side. I shall walk through the valley of boredom but I shall not walk alone. When I look at the worst parts of this break and see only one set of footprints in the sand I will turn to my companion, Captain Morgan and ask him why there is only one set of footprints. He will kindly reply "That is where you were passed out and needed to be carried" - contributed by Kate Troy
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa
"hope... you a great time a great time having an amazing time tomomorrow time throwing it all time away time." - Ziti, after playing beirut from 3-8 on a friday afternoon and then blacking out all of BP
"It's finals week, but my raging alcoholism has fully taken over my life. IF I get back, I'm still screwed." - Ziti
"It's my birthday and I'll black out if I want to... black out if I want to... black out if I want to... oh, come on! You know the song." - Ziti, on his 20th birthday
"My arm says, 'Flounder is a type of fish. Do you taste like fish?' My question is, what the fuck happened last night?" - Ziti