"(6 months with Shek) > (candy and hoverbikes)" - Harris
A Haiku, by Michael Harris :
I dream of world peace
Except for the stupid french
May they burn in hellPlease hold your applause until I'm awake
"Alfonso Soriano - those aren't socks..." - Harris"Although I guess anything you have sex with becomes humped..." - Harris, on Middle Eastern Studies
"All else being equal, I think i'd rather be rolling naked in a pile of money than groveling for change on the street like a common boxcar willie" - Harris
"And when the son of the Jacob clan doth walketh upon the plain, and all the animals shalt become ugly and hyperactive, and shrinketh to 1/3 their former side, as thouest argues, which reverberateth across the plain, till god doth smite the sun with his mighty gonad." - Harris
"And you won't even get to know my evil plan..." - Harris
"'Cause you are, as usual, smarter than 99% of America." - Harris
"College good, many people, room so very small, drinkie-dinkie last night, vaginal prospects, must go now" - Harris, on the first night of college, via email
"GIRLS ARE INSANE. It has to be the [female] hormones, it rots their brain, like asbestos for NYC schoolchildren. If you find a good girl, one who's not crazy, you hang on to her like grim death." - Harris
"God peed in a cup and called in Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi... that means it's good. that is all. please return to your regularly scheduled faux-lawyering/gambling while eating a two foot hoagie/money lending" - Harris, to me, Loucifer, and Jadam, respectively.
"His mom is being a bitch - I can hear it" - Harris, putting his large ears to good use
"I can bench the bar with some help..." - Harris
"I covet anger, envy sloth, and take pride in my greed and lust" - Harris
"I don't mind Lee when he's not annoying the hell out of me." - Mike Harris
"I don't think I trust anyone in this world anywhere close to absolutely, but on the log scale I'm so fond of using, you're a 9.9 and everyone else is like a 6, 6.5 maybe... except when money is involved or anything with "palestinians" " - Harris
"I dream of man, joining together as one, to destroy the sub-human French... I love happy endings" - Harris
"I feel like I have a drunken leprechaun on a hamster wheel and 2 monkeys combing each other for the prime feces in my head" - Harris
"I go to the sport tevas, half of them have, and I quote 'Energizing slip-on massage sandals with flexible nubs that stimulate your feet with every step.' It's like the Nike pump shoes from Narnia!" - Harris
"I had a real nice [shit] yesterday, one where you feel like you'll be empty forever" - Harris
"I have become a do-nut whore." - Harris
"I have no problem with retarded people as long as they keep their giant, oversized heads out of my way." - Harris, who has giant, oversized ears
"I heart boobs!" - Harris
"I keep telling my mom, it's not a crippling gambling problem, it's a crippling gambling solution" - Harris
"I like all cakes; good cakes, bad cakes, big cakes, small cakes, wide cakes, narrow cakes, spice cakes, ice cream cakes, cakes of all shapes, creeds and sizes" - Harris
"I love the juice inside Werthers... except I know there's no juice, but it tastes so good!" - Harris
"I never rated [Caroline's Spine] because I don't think of them as a 'band' with 'cds' in a 'music catalog', only a list of songs that exists in a child's dreams .... or something." - Harris
"I never wanted to be a high-powered go-getting consultant who breaks all the rules. I just wanted to be a businessman of moderate intelligence who wears a polo shirt and has sex with chinese people. I'M GOING TO DEVRY! ... I'm so tired " - Harris
"I rule Canada with my i-ron fist." - Mike Harris (in reality, no relation to Mike Harris)
"I say it's not the pornographers making objects out of women; it's those dirty feminists trying to make women out of what are clearly objects" - Harris
"I think that if a million dollars were in some bum's ass, I'd still go for it" - Harris
"I think they should have seeing-eye monkeys" - Harris
"I will stick to the certainties. I am certain I need to shit." - Harris
"I'm feeling really stupid cause I've left a little bit of my pathetic facial hair on my face" - Harris
"I'm on this question like ugly on the PissBitch™" - Harris
"I'm thinking of becoming a Jehovah's Witness... it's like Trick-or-Treating all year round." - Harris
"If two wrongs made a right, your mom would be right like 10 times over" - Harris, to Shek
"If you pussify on me, I swear to God, I'll kill you" - Harris
"It's nice to know when my other best friend screws me over, Lowell will still be here eating my food" - Harris
"Lee is ALWAYS the ticket-wench, even though he's not a very good one" - Harris
"Lowell isn't arguing with me, of course he's asleep!" - Harris
"Me make bacon, be back later" - Harris
"Muslims are tolerant. If I don't say that, CAIR will assassinate me." - Harris
"Normally when you're not obligated to do somerthing, you don't do it; you treat yourself as an autonomous enterprise." - Harris, on Loweeel
"Pointers are like really bitchy hot women." - Harris
"Prison is bad. Money is good. Somewhere in between is TV." - Harris
"Sam, you know when they say 'Kill whitey?' Well, Lowell and I ARE whitey!" - Harris, (Raymond Boulevard, Newark, NJ, approximately 1:20 AM, 7/16/99)
"Beautiful smelly idiots..." - Harris
"Stupendous Badass is a much better title for the book than Cryptonomicon" - Harris
"Swedish fish and chocolate is one of those really great ideas, like combining Playstation 2 and oral sex" - Harris
"The test of a good girl: can you fart in front of her? I'm not sure which kind is the right answer, but it's something to think about." - Deep Thoughts, by Michael Harris
"The weekend doesn't taste as sweet after drinking the nectar of winter break" - Harris
"This is where I will be putting extraordinarily deep things that I come up with... there will also be fart jokes" - Harris, me.htm
"Where do graham crackers come from, like 'The Graham Tree'? Cuz they taste like wheat or something." - Harris
"Why is it that guys can be incredibly lewd and explicit, except when talking about themselves? Like you'd say "I'd fuck Angelina Jolie until she begs for mercy," but whenever talking about themselves, it always starts with 'let's just say...'" - Harris
"Worshipping the dark lord Jesus....with Roast Beef!" - Harris
"You are clearly a god of some sort" - Harris
"You can't just like a girl because she has certain body parts that you find attractive; a girl isn't just a hole, she's part of a whole" - Harris
"You know that you're bad when your OPS at Coors [Field] is less than Bill [McGrath] can drink in Coors" - Harris
"You should have taken the abrasive chemical in your ocular cavity like a man" - Harris
"YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO REGISTER TODAY. NO CHINAMEN ALLOWED!" - Harris
Harris: Do you think I could take out my brain, put it in a jar with all sorts of connections to my cranial cavity, and still have it work?
Lowell: Iffy. Very iffy.
Harris: Massa plan is screwed up
Auto response from Loweeel:I am, to quote Bob "Hoss" Sherwood, currently "boozin' and whorin'"...
Harris: It asks for a login
Harris: Stop the boozing
Harris: Continue with the whoring, just get some monitorhead so you can talk to me you bastard
Harris: Damn youHarris: Ugh, I need the internet, internet, internet
Shek: Mike if it were between the Internet and... [interrupted]
Harris: Internet.
( Context: This was 4 days after my appendectomy )
Harris: can you eat steak?
Loweeel: not for another 5 days or so
Harris: want me to send you a gun?
"Nothing turns me on more than getting bitch-smacked in bed by a pale, big-eared 6'4" Jewish boy." - "Lou-cifer"
"He looks like a white Manute Bol, minus the talent." - Loucifer, on Harris
"You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?" - Brodie Bruce, Mallrats
"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Hate: remember that. Just write that down: HATE." - Prof. David Rosenberg, Harvard Law
"The chief office of a friend is to support you even when you are wrong." - Mark Twain