"If only women came with pull-down menus and online help." - Anonymous
"Condoms aren't completely safe. My friend was wearing one the other day, and he got hit by a bus." - Anonymous
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong." - Anonymous
"Don't knock masturbation - its sex with someone I love" - Woody Allen
"Colloquially, he's known as 'that dickhead '. Basically, he's whomever you really dislike." - PeterB, on who girls want to sleep with, forum3000.
"All every woman wants, be she mother, senator, or nun, is some serious deep-dickin'" - Banky, Chasing Amy
"I can state for a scientific fact that the funnier a joke is, the more likely a woman is to react by saying: 'That's disgusting!' As if that's a BAD thing." - Dave Barry
"The first rule of buying gifts for women is: THE GIFT SHOULD NOT DO ANYTHING, OR, IF IT DOES, IT SHOULD DO IT BADLY. That's why the ultimate gift is jewelry; it's totally useless." - Dave Barry
"Women -- and once again I am NOT referring to my wife -- tend to be the worst snoring-deniers, because women are taught from an early age that it is not feminine to emit any noise or aroma that would indicate that they are biological organisms. Men, on the other hand, consider bodily functions to be a highly masculine form of manliness. That's why men are not afraid to haul off and let go of a hearty burp, often as a way to emphasize a rhetorical point. Men also take pride in another, even more basic, bodily emission, which, because this is a family newspaper, I will refer to by its technical name, ``making a tooter.'' This is a popular thing to do whenever males gather together." - Dave Barry
"Girls - all I really want is girls
And in the morning it's girls
Cause in the evening it's girls
I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile" - Beastie Boys, Girls"Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." - Ambrose Bierce, Epigrams
"When a boy puts his foot down, he puts his foot down. When a girl puts her foot down, she usually sprains an ankle" - Jasmine Blatt
"I have it on good authority (literally, as this comes straight from God Himself), that women were an afterthought, that all of creation originally existed just for Man. But, God, in his infinite wisdom, despite creating Man in His image and Likeness, decided to withhold all of His supernatural powers from Man. Therefore, Man was imperfect and incomplete. Now the important point here is that Man was still kick-ass, and had enough of God's nature in Him to want to be just like God. But, God realized this, so He decided to install in Man, a governor of sorts, a handicap if you will, one which would be his own personal Tower of Babel, to prevent him from ever being like God. So, God created woman, for the sole and express purpose of tormenting and handicapping Man. He created her in the image and likeness of Lucipher herself and riddled with faults, flaws, shortcomings, and a propensity for evil. He also made her completely magnetic for man, to entice and encapture his mind and heart. Once you accept the truth about the intrinsic nature of woman, all of her behavior becomes clear. That's why I understand her and get along with her so well" - Buff
"A woman's vagina is a finely-calibrated instrument, like a Steinway piano. Whereas, a man's penis is like a kazoo. You keep it in your pocket, pull it out and play with it once in a while... hopefully somebody will blow on it." - Adam Corolla
"Women are ALWAYS going shopping. They should buy themselves some brains." - Adam Corolla, on The Man Show
"Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"It was as if breasts were little pieces of property that had been unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex. They were rightfully ours and we wanted them back." - John Cusack, High Fidelity
"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." - Alexandre Dumas
"A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems shorter than a minute. But tell that same man to sit on a hot stove for a minute, it is longer than any hour. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of committment" - Warren Farrell
"The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is, 'What does a woman want?'" - Sigmund Freud
"Some people get high from alcohol, and some people get high on drugs; I get high on girls." - Jim Gregoire
"Life, without women, would be a lot less complicated. But it would also be unlivable." - Jim Gregoire
"Don't discount sadism, maybe she simply enjoys fucking with your mind. She is a girl after all." - Hawver
"Life is too short for ugly chicks." - Hawver
"I will never, ever in my entire life even come close to understanding females." - Curtis Huttenhower
"Two boobs good, Four boobs BETTER!" - Lowell Jacobson, improving on Orwell's Animal Farm
"WOMEN stands for Wicked Organization Meaning to End Nookie(for me)" - Lowell Jacobson
"Women - can't live with 'em, and they can't pee standing up." - Major League II
"You make me cum
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable" - Lit, Miserable"It's hard for me to decide who is more narrow minded in pursuit of their own interest--men or women. Men will lie, cheat, and take advantage of the most fragile emotional states in order to get laid, true. But women will carry a new life in their womb for 9 months, undergo an incredibly painful birthing process, and then devote themselves to nurturing this new being with the milk of their own bodies. So let's just forget about keeping score, and admit that men and women are equally selfish and petty." - Dennis Miller
"Women often accuse men of being selfish in bed. I find this hard to believe since for most single guys, getting to have sex is like winning a trip to Willy Wonka's. You can't even think of being greedy because you're just so thrilled to be there. Women must be mistaking selfishness for shock." - Dennis Miller
"To men, lunch is about eating. It's not a social exercise." - Chris McKendry, Female SportsCenter Anchor
"On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women." - H.L. Mencken
"To let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse." - Ogden Nash
"Cute girls can smell desperation, just like bees can smell fear." - Peter B. SOMAD, Forum3000
"Imagine that intimacy is a continuum in the form of a monopoly board. You begin at "Go," after just meeting. At Boardwalk, you have mind-blowing consensual tantric sex that unites you and your partner one with the spiritual forces of the Universe. Baltic and Mediterranean and Connecticut Avenues represent talking and holding hands and all that stupid boring stuff. Really you'd like your relationship to progress at least around to getting naked, somewhere near the "Free Parking" corner, relatively quickly.But the only way to progress really quickly is to roll lots of doubles, and if you roll too many doubles, you go to jail, which is when she stops returning your calls and tells all her friends about what a dick you are. Just progress around the board slowly, letting nature take it's course. Don't talk about how you're going to land on Boardwalk and build houses and then hotels and take all of her money. Don't even think about that! It will happen on its own if you are only patient... The railroads are when you go out with her friends or have a good time without her if she starts not paying attention to her. They help get her back 'on track.'" - Peter B. SOMAD, Forum3000
"Would I rather have a woman with large or small breasts? It's not that simple. It is situational. For example, on the moon, where the gravity is only 1/6th that of earth, large breasts will be more buoyant and less likely to sag. Whereas if I was in a prisoner of war camp where women were in short supply, large breasts would quickly be spotted by the other inmates, and therefore I would much rather have a woman with small, pert, but easily concealable breasts. So really, you need at least one woman with each type of breasts. For emergencies, you might want a kind of middle-of-the-road one. Hence my answer, 'yes.'" - PeterB SOMAD, Forum2000
"Yes, I like Asian girls. I also like, in no particular order, Turkish girls, black girls, white girls, Sicilian girls, American girls from small Western Pennsylvanian towns, Indian girls, Australian girls, Portuguese girls that give me their last cigarette on the train from Oporto in return for a cassette tape of obscure music, Hispanic girls, Canadian girls, British girls that don't have that problem with the teeth, French girls, German girls especially the tall ones, Russian girls as well as girls from various former Soviet republics such as Ukraine, Georgia, and Uzbekistan, Ghanaian girls, Brazilian girls, Greek girls especially if they've got the little moustache thing going, that's so cute, Argentine girls especially if they are on a soccer team, redheaded girls, blondes if they are natural, and dark haired girls whether they are natural or not, Serbian, Croatian, and ethnic Albanian girls especially if I can have all three at once in a special "peacekeeping orgy," Swedish girls, Finnish girls except Erja Hakkinnen, Norwegian girls, many Belgian girls excepting those who have the kinda flat-faced mongoloid doggy thing going on, girls with large natural breasts, girls with small natural breasts, girls with curves and girls that are slim-hipped and willowy, fat girls, thin girls, girls that are kinda in-between, sophisticated girls, white-trashy girls with bad makeup as long as they don't have big hair, and girls with just a little bit of downy hair running from the nape of their neck, down their back, to the base of their spine. Mmmmmmmm....Girls!" - Peter B. SOMAD, Forum3000
"I liken the metrosexual to the female body builder. While there is nothing wrong with a woman who is healthy and physically fit, who works out and builds muscle mass, there is something aesthetically unappealing when taken to the extreme. She looks masculine. To me, all of the lifestyle characteristics of the metrosexual man make him look feminine." - Stacey Pressman
"Here's another secret about most men, most of the time: given a choice between a buff "porn-worthy" chick with a drawerful of sex toys who's grudging or unresponsive in bed, or a plain jane with rudimentary technique who orgasms easily and generously, plain jane is the one we're going to go back to. Again, this has a sound basis in evolutionary bio; orgasm is a sperm-retention behavior that increases the probability of conception, so an orgasming woman is saying pre-verbally "I want your child!"." - Eric S. Raymond
"Men are handicapped in arguing, because we have a need to make sense. Women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument" - Chris Rock
"Two women, four titties - this is gonna be great!" - Chris Rock
"Human society invented art so there would still be pictures of breasts in case all the women got eaten by dinosaurs." - Seanbaby
"For a man, talking to a woman is never precisely safe." - Jack Shaftoe, Neal Stephenson's Quicksilver
"I found out that when you get married, the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to." - Yakov Smirnoff
"Just 'cause I was born with ovaries, I am condemned to this?? A lot of people only talk to my breasts, other girls don't like me, and I am not allowed to be with my friends when their girlfriends are around. Oh - AND I get to bleed 7 days out of the month?! What a shitty deal. My one perk is giving birth?! Woo-fucking-hoo." - Phoebe A. Stone
"No, no--you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for a president, that's all." - Bob Van Eeghen, Lawyer - The Onion, Faces in the Crowd, 1/30/01