2/10/2000

I have no idea if my attempt to express this will make any sense at all. But it's always worth a try, no? :)

I have been known to scare people a bit by feeling too intensely about them. This is particularly true, I think for men. I'll get into that later. But, yes, what I'm talking about is the stereotypical "freak out" response a man might be likely to have when a woman tells him she loves him.

I was talking recently with my mostly-ex-boyfriend, Dave, about this. I was explaining to him that I thought he had felt pressure from me when I told him I loved him. As if by saying, "I love you," I was pressuring him to answer me back, to love me back, to get down on his knee and propose something. I think this is a common sentiment. Girlfriends talk about that awkward moment of telling a partner you love him. (Is this true for same-sex partnerships, too? If one of my dear readers has the relevant experience, please don't hesitate to let me know.) "I love you." -insert awkward pause here- "I love you, too?" "I know?" "Errr... where did my pants end up last night?" There's a sense of expectation, somehow, with a declaration of love within the confines of a romantic relationship, and that bothers me. If I tell someone I love him/her, why should s/he be obligated to respond with anything? Why not just say, "Thank you."? I do consider my love to be a compliment, even if I may give it out more easily than some.

I don't understand! Why should love be an expectation, an obligation? Why should it make someone uncomfortable to hear s/he is loved? All I mean when I say, "I love you," is that I love you. It doesn't mean I expect you to return the sentiment (and, in fact, if you press me on the issue, I'll tell you that I think it's impossible for sentiments to be exactly reciprocated, anyway). It doesn't mean that you owe me anything. It doesn't mean that my expectations of you or my view of you have changed from one moment to the next. You are the same person as before; I am the same person as before; our relationship has changed only insofar as you are now someone I love, when before, you were probably someone I simply cared for in some nebulous, undefined way.

This fear/panic reaction tends to be the case more often in romantic relationships than in platonic ones, and more often, in my experience, between genders than within them. I have a lot of theories about that, but I think it has to do with people's ideas about romantic relationships. Within a friendship, love forms naturally (for most people) and means only a deepening of the friendship. But because our society tends to see romantic relationships as ending up as a lifetime partnership (marriage, usually), the expression of love within the context of this kind of relationship seems like a step in that direction.

Frankly, this bothers me. It bothers me that a romantic relationship might be -stunted- by one partner's love for the other, if it makes the other feel pressured. It bothers me that by expressing my love for a friend or partner (or even simply expressing great care, even if I don't consider it or call it "love") I might scare (him) off.

Goethe writes, "If I love you, is that your concern?"

Take it as a compliment. That's all.

Back 1
Back 2