Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls,
Shoppers at Goff's and Musical Profs,
Hobbits and Nazgul, Orcs, Elves, and Dwarves,
Welcome to the 2002 Homecoming Halftime Halfling Extravaganza, featuring the very proud and forever undefeated

Ramblin' Scramblin' Ent-befriendin', Evil-rendin', Elvish-speakin', Invisibly-sneakin', Mithril-wearin', Balrog-darin', Ring-bearin' Mucho Macho Moocow Military Precision Regimental Marching Band and Fellowship of the Hat,
Under the tripartite directorship of Matt "Gandalf" Jenkins, Chris "Frodo" Holmes and Justin "Elevenses" Brown.

In the stillness of an autumn night, one can sometimes hear a voice from the dark College Archives intoning:
"One hat to lead them all, one hat to find them,
One hat to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."

Legend tells us that long ago the Hat fell into the hands of the unknowing halfwit band leader, Frodo, who brought it to the great council of Elrond and the wood ephs. In those days, darkness from the south was covering the land. All present at the Council knew that something had to be done to halt the growing evil."In whom should we put our faith?" asked Elrond, "There is no strength left in the race of Band, I was there when the strength of Band failed."

Then Frodo Holmes spoke up, "I will take it, though I do not know the way." The races of all present then gave their allegiance to the Fellowship.

"You have my trumpet-- And my flute-- And MY TUBA"

From his uncle Bilbo, Williams class of '57, Frodo Holmes was given a mithril cape and a sousaphone "Stigma" that would play when orcs were near. So set out Frodo Holmes and Fellowship, with two trumpeters, two woodwinds, a baritone player, and a drummer. The band in their hat formation will now play the Magnificent Seven.

**(Magnificent Seven)**

An arduous journey followed. The band was beset by cardinals from the southlands, the birds of the dark lord Sauron. Although the Fellowship eventually defeated the foul...fowl, Frodo Holmes was heard to mutter, "I wish the hat had never come to me." Still they pressed onwards.

Suddenly, a note was heard from the sousaphone.
I SAID a note was heard from the sousaphone. *BLAT*

And within moments, the Fellowship was beset by Orcs. But these were no ordinary orcs, these were Wesleyan-grown monstrosities, new orcs remade beneath their dark field house tower. The band, in its dark tower formation, will now play "New Orc, New Orc."

**(New York, New York)**

After a hard-fought battle, the band defeats the Orcish Horde and ventures onward through the Ches-Shire, around Bronfmanarad, over Greylockendor, amidst the trees of Log Lorian, passing Old I-sengard, wading through Hopkins Deep, delving into the Mines of Morley, until they finally arrive at their destination, MOUNT DOOM.

The hat is cast into the raging fires of MOUNT DOOM, and *sound*

With the destruction of the Hat, its spell is undone; the withered landscape heals as Sauron's Dark Cardinals retreat, transfiguring Mount Doom and its surroundings into the glorious splendor we all know as The Mountains.

**(Mountains)**

   If you aren't familiar with Williams college or Wesleyan college, you probably missed some of the jokes. If you aren't familiar with LotR, then not only did you miss 90% of the jokes in this piece, but also you won't have appreciated my other LotR parody, not to mention the fact that you're missing one of the greatest movie events ever. And yes, I do sometimes write parodies not based on LotR, and thanks for asking.