Well, Homecoming was great. This past weekend, a large portion of my friends from college were back in town. I took Friday off of work to meet up for lunch with a few of them. I thought Tom might want to meet up with them too, so I coordinated a carefully timed arrival so we could all meet up together for lunch. However, by the time I actually arrived, they were eating lunch with other people, because apparently Tom and I were half an hour late.*

    Still, I got to eat dinner with friends both that night and the next, play a lot of cards, and generally hang about chatting with people I hadn't seen in far too long. It was much good. And the trophy award wasn't during halftime this year, which meant I had all the time I needed to announce the halftime show I wrote for this year's Homecoming game, which I have included here:

       "Band For Governor"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Residents and presidents, Mayors and soothsayers, Masters of torque and Purveyors of sporks, Mathematicians, Obstetricians, Recently-deceased musicians, and Tiger-besieged magicians, Williams Grads, Soccer Dads, and Voters Gone Mad, Governators, Commentators, lousy debaters, and Grey Davis haters, Iron-pumpers, bail-jumpers, and watermelon-thumpers, Diff'rent Strokes refugees, Austrians we love to tease, and other folks just like these,

Welcome to the 2003 Homecoming Halftime Extravaganza, featuring the gleefully undefeated Ramblin', Scramblin', Head-buttin', Tax-cuttin', Terminatin', Issue-debatin', smile-fakin', hand-shakin', earthquakin', (YAY FOR BACON!), baby-kissin', AmHerst-dissin', Never-missin', song-singin', mudslingin', Vote-gainin', always-campaignin', even when it's rainin' Mucho Macho Moocow Military Precision Regimental Marching Band and Independent Political Party not funded by Ross Perot, Under the directorship of Justin "Total Recall" Brown, Greg "Rolling Blackout" Del-Prete, and Matt "The Governator" Jenkins.

California, 2003. Grey Davis has been recalled, and Arnold Schwarzenegger has been elected to temporarily fill his place. But just when California's problems looked to be over, a terrible scandal is revealed. Apparently, Schwarzenegger neglected to mention that his history included an honorary degree from AmHerst. Voters immediately demand a "Total Recall", and once again, the seat is up for grabs. Eager to set the world's fifth largest economy aright with their rudimentary ECON 101 training, the band decides to throw their collective hat in the ring, and they embark on a mission to become Governor of California.

The band, in their hat-in-the-ring formation, will now play "Mission Improbable".
***SONG: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE***

Although their natural charm and brass section keep them in good standing, the band realizes that they doesn't actually know much about politics on the west coast. Or the east coast. Or land-bound regions. In order to keep abreast of current events in California, they decide to seek the advice of a fellow candidate-- adult entertainment star Mary Carey. She explains that politics are not as important as "personal qualifications", and with a pair of pie charts as illustration, suggests that the band focus on displaying their gubernatorial assets.

The band, in their "Gubernatorial Assets" formation, will now play The Stripper.
***SONG: THE STRIPPER***

After displaying such well-rounded qualifications and a strong campaign in Silicone Valley, the Band hopes they've acquired enough support to prevent their poll results from sagging. The election results are tallied. And the winner is... Could I have a drum roll please (silence as a bass drum is rolled across the field). Thank you. The winner of the California Governorship is the Band!

After ridding the Governor's mansion of all the iron-pumping equipment, kindergartners, weight-lifting trophies, steroids, and autographed pictures of Morty Schapiro, the Band passes a resolution to outlaw anyone with an AmHerst degree from running for Governor ever again. The Band then proceeds to repair California's economy, alphabetize Hollywood's film vault, earthquake-proof the highways with Nerf Dividers, and declare a year-round hunting season on Mighty Ducks.

Also, to keep California in a constant state of turmoil, the Band passes a bill to prevent anyone from running for re-election -- even themselves. This allows them a prime seat to watch all of the bodybuilders, movie actors, comedians, heiresses, sumo wrestlers, meteorologists, used car dealers, denture-makers, beer-brewers, and former child stars vie for the Governor's seat.

The band, in their ballot box formation, will now play "There's No business like show business".
***SONG: THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS***

After disqualifying one candidate for running on a "smallpox blanket" platform, the Band double-checks to make sure that the winner has no connection to AmHerst. Having fulfilled their role as governor to the highest degree, the band departs from today's Bastion of beach bums and Bikini babe bordello and Tomorrow's...Atlantis, to return to the land they know and love, the glorious splendor known only as-- The Mountains.

***SONG: MOUNTAINS***

    So yeah, that went over well. Also, I'm putting up the new funny file now.