My boss showed me a "government speak" version of The Night Before Christmas that he had received from a friend. I was shocked to find that it didn't even rhyme. This lack of craftsmanship inspired me to compose a brief revision of a classic holiday song.

    But which song? I hadn't decided until the other day when a friend of mine organized an amusing event on campus. He (and some accomplices) had cut out over 100 paper snowflakes, and positioned themselves in the balcony of the student center. At 10:00, he began playing "Let it Snow!" (from a hidden boombox), and snowflakes continuously fell from the balcony for the duration of the song.

    Indoor snowstorms are fun. In homage to that event, I hereby present my slightly modified version:

Oh the meteorological conditions on the exterior are terrifying,
But the conflagration of combustion and heat is exceedingly gratifying.
And taking into consideration the fact that there is nowhere to which we ought to ambulate,
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!

Circumstance has revealed nothing that would indicate an immanent cessation,
And I've purchased some corn for the purposes of heating to cause expansion and exfoliation.
The electric luminosity devices are adjusted to minimally illuminate.
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!

Once we have completed our inevitable farewell osculation,
Venturing outwards into the blizzard is something I shall detest!
But if you will surround me with your person to a degree that could cause asphyxiation
I shall retain adequate heat until to my residence I have progressed.

The conflagration of combustion and heat is gradually diminishing,
And, cherished of mine, our valediction has not reached the point of finishing.
But under the condition that you are enamored with me to an excessive rate,
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!