Crunchy Crawfish Christmas

    First, take the biggest pot in your house, the one you've used to make stone soup to serve a dozen friends, and pour rice into it from a 20-pound bag. Rather than trying to measure the amount of rice, continue until the thickness of the rice to the bottom of the pot is the same as you'd want in a very tiny pot.
    Then, put the pot under the faucet and add water, moving the pot around while you do it to get all those annoying floating grains of rice under the faucet blast to drown them. Continue filling pot in this manner until you have drowned all of the floating rice.
    Pour in a dash of olive oil, where "dash" is defined as "the amount needed before you notice big globs of olive oil coming back up from the water and floating atop the pot."
    Pour a quarter cup of salt into your hand, realize this is far, far too much, dump most of it into the trash, and then toss what remains into the pot.
    Boil.
    When rice reaches a boil, turn down heat and cover. Take this opportunity to read the directions on your package of frozen crawfish**. Realize that the directions call for steaming over a pot of boiling water which is inconvenient because the water is done boiling and you don't have a steamer or non-plastic colander.
    When rice is done, remove lid and throw in frozen crawfish. Realize after doing this that crawfish are still frozen, and will need more heat to become tasty. Stir vigorously to put crawfish beneath hot rice.
    Add can of black-eyed peas. Realize that huge amount of rice and crawfish dwarfs your measly can of peas. Add can of black beans. Stir vigorously.
    Serve yourself a bowl. Notice that you can't actually eat the crawfish without taking them out of the shell, which gets your hands goopy. As an added bonus, all the vigorous stirring has distributed crawfish shell bits and legs and claws and antennae throughout your entire dish, so in any given bite, you may get inedible crawfish parts.
    And that's what makes it a crunchy surprise.