My world is almost normal...
"On Surviving Valentine's Day"
by Seth
Brown
They say that "April is the cruelest month." They're dead wrong. February
has it beat six
ways from Sunday. First of all, the excitement of the Januarian new year
has worn thin. By
now, there's really no hope that this year will be much of an improvement
on the previous,
and we're back to the daily grind. New years resolutions have all been
broken, work has
resumed, and reality has once again set in. However, it's still extremely
cold. And of
course, in February the epitome of cruelty occurs, otherwise known as
Valentine's Day.
First of all, it's mildly cruel even to those who are attached, and I
don't just mean
Siamese twins. Society has, as various emails I've received will attest,
conspired to
create yet another day of obligatory capitalist expenditure. Greeting
cards and chocolate
and flowers and balloons and disgustingly cute bears and various and
sundry other things of
the sort. I think even a dismembered carcass would be purchased if it were
painted red and
covered with lace, or cut in the shape of a heart. And a parity of gifts
must be achieved,
as you don't want to feel that the relationship is too unbalanced. And may
god have mercy
on the soul of he who forgets to buy anything for his significant other,
because she sure
as heck won't.
But enough about how the couples suffer. Because I don't care. As one of
the many bitter,
single people on this earth who looks forward to Valentine's Day almost as
much as getting
my wisdom teeth removed, I can't help but not feel any sympathy at
all. Try complaining
about how expensive your kitchen repairs are to a homeless person. The
unfortunate masses,
myself included, get to spend the whole day watching couples fawn all over
each other. As
if this wasn't irritating enough during the rest of the year.
So, it's going to be an unpleasant day. This is unavoidable. However,
there are several
methods you can use to lessen the nausea of saccharine romantic cuteness:
1) Denial. There's no reason you have to acknowledge that today is a
holiday. I bet there's
lots of other saints you ignore on a regular basis. Just isolate yourself
in your room and
turn up your stereo. If you have to have contact with couples who are
attached, respond to
any vestige of Valentine's Day by acting very excited about the upcoming
St. Augustine's
Day. When they say they don't know what you're talking about, berate them
for not getting
into the spirit.
2) The Bluff. After you've finished eating lunch with your friends or
co-workers, pull out
the little heart-shaped box of chocolates you were given today. Everyone
will know that
somebody out there loves you. They don't have to know that it's you. A box
of chocolates
will do nicely, a card is optional, though entirely unnecessary. Sending
yourself more than
one Valentine's card is a sign that you are going a bit too far.
3) Substitute. So, you don't have a significant other that loves
you. There's plenty of
love in this world to go around. Your grandmother loves you, if she's
still alive. If
you're religious, god loves you. Smile and tell people that when they see
that you're
sitting alone. You're spending quality time with god. Or for great effect,
appreciate the
affections of an inanimate object. Maybe your toaster is the only one who
truly understands
you. Bring your toaster around with you all day and constantly hug
it. Which leads us to
the next method....
4) Pity. Whether you're hugging a toaster, or gazing forlornly out a
window, the happy
couples are bound to take notice of your non-coupled nature. They're
probably having a
great day, so it's likely that they might be feeling sympathetic towards
you. If you're
lucky, you can even score a pathetic pity hug or two from someone else's
girlfriend or
boyfriend. It's almost as good as real love, in the same way that cleverly
disguised tofu
is almost as good as real meat products.
5) Desperation. Okay, so you've come to terms with the fact that you're
alone on
Valentine's Day. There must be some other lonely people out there too,
right? Just look
for lonely people using the first four methods, walk up, and go for a nice
kiss. (Note: the
author of this piece denies all responsibility both legal and moral for
any consequent
lawsuits.) Sure, in most cases the random person will be disgusted and
offended, but there
is a chance that you'll find someone in this manner. (Just like there's a
chance that the
presidential campaign could be won by Ross Perot, however small. (And so
are his chances.)
So good luck to my fellow embittered single folk out there. Soon the day
will be over and
the fact that you are very alone will be slightly less apparent. In case
you don't want
pity, remember this final helpful hint:
"If you look depressed, you'll face an inquest, so go with denial, and
wear a fake smile."