For many incoming students, the first year of college can be very confusing. People with strange titles combine with complex systems to confound the incoming student. It is for this reason that we have created this helpful guide in order that you may get the most out of your first year at college.

    The Schedule:

    Your schedule has been designed so that you will have free time in blocks too small to accomplish anything but too large to go directly to your next required activity. In addition, the administration has done everything possible to insure that any classes you have consecutively occur on opposite sides of campus. This is in accordance with the new physical fitness regulations, requiring all students to walk 100 miles through snow barefoot uphill both ways.

    All classes that you are interested in taking should be connected in at least one of the following ways:

• They all occur at the exact same time, thus preventing you from taking more than one of them, and leaving you with Esperanto 101, Home Economics, and Frog Painting as your other 3 courses.
  
  
• They all fall under the same division, thus removing all hope of you ever fulfilling the distribution requirements.
  
  
• They all take place at the most inconvenient times of day possible, forcing you to awaken at 5:30 AM and then miss lunch.

    The Classes:

    Sometimes it can be difficult to ascertain what exactly is expected of you in a class. By use of this simple formula, you can determine how well you are keeping up.

K={[(Ca/Cg) * (Br/Ba) * (N/10)] + Cp/2} - (I + F)

K=Keeping Up Index
Ca=# of classes attended
Cg=# of classes given
Br=# of books read
Ba=# of books assigned
N=Course number
Cp=# of phony compliments paid to professor
I=# of accidental insults professor overheard
F=# of forgotten assignments.

    If K is over 10, you are working too hard. If K is between 5 and 10, you are doing fine. If K is between 0 and 5, you may want to focus a bit more. If K is less than 0, don't send in that next tuition check just yet.

    Clubs:

    There are generally 3 types of activities you can join on campus.

1. Sports Teams - These clubs usually consist of a bunch of people who divide their time equally between playing the sport, talking about the sport, and sitting in class while thinking about the sport. Most sports clubs will require an inordinate amount of your time, except for the golf club, which will require a golf club and plaid pants. Membership on a team can force you to be on the field for many hours per week, so it is suggested that you purchase fertilizer and seeds so that the portion of the field you are responsable for has food for you to eat. Gardening can be a rewarding experience for a defenseman with nothing else to do.
   
   
2. Ancient Clubs - These clubs are the time-honored banners of learning which can be hung on your wall to impress your friends. Joining the debate team and the literary magazine allows you to pretend that you are more intelligent than everyone else in your class, and looks good on a resume. In addition, you learn very useful skills for life, such as formal argumentation. For example, if someone claims that France is a country, debating experience will let you make brilliant responses insulting both the lineage and mental stability of that person while providing a convincing argument for France being a color.
   
   
3. The Other Clubs - These clubs are the crazy uncles of the extracurricular family. They can be more interesting than the others, but nobody takes them seriously. Society for Cultural Anachronisms, African-American Feminists for Saving the Rainforests, Hacky-Sack club, etc. Joining these can be a rewarding personal experience, as you are likely to find people with the same specific derangement that you possess. The disadvantage is that most clubs such as these will not really be recognized once you leave college, but you do get to hang out with people as demented as you are.

    The Administration:

    I often hear students complaining that they don't understand what certain members of the administration are supposed to do. It is actually quite simple to figure out what responsibilities they have by examining the title of their position. For example, the academic advisors should advise you to pay more attention to academics, and to have less fun. "Stop having fun," a good academic advisor will say, "And get back to work." Many Deans abound on campus, far too many to enumerate here, but the three most important ones are:

• Jimmy Dean - In charge of pork products. This is the man you see if you have any complaints about the bacon, ham, or sausage at a Williams Dining Hall.
  
  
• Dizzy Dean - Athletics Department. Any team without a winning record is entitled to ask this Dean for more funding, to pay for more open-minded referees.
  
  
• James Dean - Rebellious Affairs. Any students wishing to foment rebellion, or even to differ drastically from the norm, should consult with this Dean first.

    Probably the most enigmatic title is the "bursar", actually Latin for "reimburser". If you are in any way dissatisfied with your room, the facilities, the food, the classes, or the general ambiance of the campus, simply approach the bursar and ask for a complete refund. Occasionally the bursar will feign ignorance and pretend not to owe you your money back, but after you have read this article you are no longer a naif, and are now a savvy first-year student who will not leave that office until you receive your refund.

    Finally, there is the President of the college. The president is elected by you, the students, every four years. Remember that it is your votes that keep him in office, so don't be ashamed to ask him for personal favors, the use of his car, his basement for get-togethers, etc.. After all, he is being paid by your tuition dollars.

    If you follow all of this advice carefully, you are bound to graduate within a decade or two.