I was born and raised in Rhode Island, reading this
paper. Well, I wasn't
reading it while I came out of the womb, but soon after. In high school I
was thrilled when they printed a few of my political poems, and gladly
spent May of my senior year interning in their editorial department. While
I was there, I wrote a weekly political polemical poetry column. I
continued this through the summer and two and a half years of college,
until I was let go for budget reasons. My last column was an ode to
Senator John Chafee (D-RI), who had died recently. Since then, I've had
the occasional piece in the Providence Journal and many pieces elsewhere,
but nothing that has given me the personal satisfaction that I derived
from my Issues of the Week.
Issues of the Week-- from the Providence Sunday Journal
epic limericks, song parodies, and more
1997
- "HDTV" - A parody of "YMCA",
discussing the uselessness of the then-new technology.
- "Out to Launch" - Couplets about the
Cassini mission to Saturn.
- "Women in Politics" - Female
politicians should be treated with the same respect as male
politicians... and with the same distrust.
- "Morals up in Smoke" - The
obligatory chastisement of Big Tobacco.
- "Ex-Ray" - Boston's former mayor
had a post at the Vatican. Yet another bad idea.
- "Manifesto Destiny" - The Unabomber
case brought this country many explosive developments...
- "Turkey in the Squaw" - Just like
"Turkey in the Straw", only this song tells you that everything you know
about Thanksgiving is wrong.
- "Run for the Border" - Smuggling
drugs across the border might qualify as one toke over the line...
- "Bad Car-ma" - If you thought traffic
in America was bad, wait until you read this.
1998
- "Crossing Treacherous Waters: Roe
vs. Wade" - This one fetched me a few angry letters to the editor.
- "Udder Chaos" - E. Coli always
reminds me of Ricola (those mountaineers yelling about cough drops), but
it probably doesn't taste as good.
- "...and Justice for Some" - If
there's one thing funnier than abortion, it's the death penalty.
- "Master of the House" - To the
tune of the broadway song of the same name, it's the TV that is making us
miserables.
- "Legal Briefs" - Bill Clinton doing
what Bill Clinton does best.
- "Bio-illogical Terrorism" - Since
the anthrax scare, this piece may have renewed relevance. Do contact me if
you'd like to buy reprint rights...
- "Crude Practices" - A song parody about
what's crude. Oil, that is. (Black gold, Texas tea...)
- "Stepping on Tax" - Albert Einstein
said that the hardest thing in the world to understand is the income
tax. I think that's sad.
- "Slaves to Conscience" - Was
slavery bad? Yes. Should America spend the rest of time trying to make
some sort of restitution? No.
- "Return of the Natives" - This
parody of Longfellow's "Hiawatha" tells the story of the Indians and their
casino.
- "Happy Earthday To You" - At this
point, I was convinced financial and environmental concerns were
irreconcilable. I have since learned otherwise.
- "Missile-anious Observations" -
Another Star Wars program? Gee, all our other missile-defense plans worked
so well...
- "Teeny Problem" - A song parody about
those wonderful adolescent years.
- "Less Ire In Ireland" - A song to
the tune of "Oh Danny Boy".
- "Buried Past" - Somehow, 'Tomb of
the Known Soldier' just doesn't have the same ring to it.
- "License to Kill" - The age-old
question: Is killing wrong if it will prevent more killings?
- "Fundamentally Corrupt" - I knew
back in 1998 that the Taliban was trouble...
- "Money Matters" - Investment advice
for the rest of us.
- "A Coarse Discourse" - Quatrains
about the hypocrisies of both parties. My longtime favorite
political poem.
- "High Pope-ularity" - Pope John Paul
II has certainly come a long way.
- "Here We Go A-Glenn" - Song parody
about old Mr. Spaceman.
- "KKK-tastrophe" - Prejudice is stupid
when there are so many good reasons to hate people as individuals.
- "The Di is Cast" - Princess Di did.
- "No Spain, No Gain" - The
Hispanics know how to swing...vote.
- "Iraq-Know-Phobia" - Our soldiers
overseas don't have it easy.
- "The Virginian" - Thomas
Jefferson had his faults, but his greatness cannot be denied.
- "Guns in November" - Couplets about
guns and November. Are you surprised?
- "Flagging Morale" - Song parodies
about the reconstruction of the Smithsonian's original American Flag
- "And We All Go Martian Along" - The
space race is one we continue to run, even though we have no idea where
the finish line is.
- "Holiday Happenings" - My annual
'Twas the Night Before Christmas parody.
1999
- "Neo-Cuba-ism" - Castro can't last
forever, right?
- "A Nuke Boom Sweeps Clean" -
Everyone's finger is still on the button.
- "Overly Corps-dial" - This whole
training foreign troops thing has got to be a bad idea...
- "Social Insecurity" - I have a
sneaking suspicion that I'm never going to see my money again.
- "Mega-hurts" - Y2K is one of those
problems that never should have been.
- "Baby Got Bucks" - Yo! Check
this fresh rap parody by Sir Tax-A-Lot!
- "Committeeosyncrasies" - When
it came to Utah's vying to host the Olympics, it looked to be a case of no
pay, no play.
- "Cafe Costa Latte" - Coffee may
Costa Latte, but that's nothing compared to the price the workers have to
pay.
- "The Long Fist of the Law" - When it
comes to pointing out police brutality, Amadouin what I can.
- "Koreally Starving" - I'm hungry, but
not that kind of hungry.
- "Modern Major Media" - Gilbert
and Sullivan's 'Modern Major General' is probably my favorite song to
parody.
- "Gone, But Not For Gothin'" -
Though I oft think them no brighter than Visogoths or Ostrogoths, today's
goths shouldn't be blamed for two stupid individuals.
- "A Frightful Flight" - Song
parody to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song. Sing along! "Just
sit right back and you'll hear the tale..."
- "Send in the Clones" - I see
nothing wrong with the idea of cloning.
- "Send in the Clones" - I see
nothing wrong with the idea of cloning.
- "Send in the Clones" - Okay, maybe
it could go too far.
- "Seeing Red" - Now, now,
children, let's not go Li Peng to conclusions...
- "Down the Tube" - In 1922, a man
named Farnsworth invented the television. Everything went downhill from
there.
- "Don Juan Nushawn" - Quatrains about
the spread of AIDS-- especially by one man.
- "Jock Itch" - Columbine kiddies
killing athletes? I know they were made fun of, but it sounds like they're
being poor sports...
- "A Sweeping Election" - Mary
Poppins song parody about Hillary's run for the Senate.
- "What's in a Name?" - Kathleen
Soliah, Patty Hearst, and the SLA.
- "Harvest Moon" - A piece for all you
lunatics out there.
- "Bush League Battles" - When it comes
to politics, like father, like son.
- "To V(-J) or Not To V(-J)" - Rhode
Island was the last state left celebrating V-J day.
- "Bak 2 Skool" - Grade Inflation,
SAT recentering, and other things that make education useless.
- "Constructive Criticism in Turkey" -
When Turkey's poorly-constructed buildings were hit by an earthquake, you
could say it was a Turkey shake and bake.
- "Microsoft, What Byte Through
Yonder Windows Breaks?" - Were Hamlet to have given his soliliquy
at Y2K, it might have sounded like this.
- "We Didn't Start the Fire" - I've
heard all your bad WACO jokes. No, it doesn't stand for 'What A Cook Out'.
- "Augusto Fresh Air" - A poem that
doesn't follow the rules, because hey, neither did Pinochet.
- "Gone Fission" - The Comprehensive
Test Ban Treaty clearly wasn't going to work.
- "Designer Genes" - The Human Genome
Project sounded cool, but genetic engineering still strikes me as
dangerous.
Seth's Scattered Shots
prose pieces, unpublished poetry, personal peccadillos
Published Poems off-issue
- "Have an Ice Day" - My most
recent poem. (April 2002)
- "On the Death of Senator Chafee" -
Senator John Chafee (D-RI) had been my Senator since I was born, and died
just before my column did. I consider it fitting that my last weekly spot
was a tribute to him.
- "King Slalomon's Decree" - This poem
has no political point to make, but it does give you some idea of my
skiing ability.
The Unprintables
- "Governing Law" - Former
Governor Edward DiPrete had too much sway for this one to hit print.
- "Pleading the Third" - Making
fun of both parties probably would have made the paper friends in neither.
- "Unforgivable" - A song parody
about Khmer Rouge genocide. I guess they were too afraid it might offend
some people.
- "The Kennedeaths" - America may
have fallen in love with them, but they deserve to be made fun of. Of
course, since I submitted this right after the plane crash, mayhap they
thought the timing was bad.
Prose of all sorts