Welcome Monsieur, sit on the couch
Turn off your mind, collapse in a slouch
  Here's the remote, here are the chips
  Channels will float by your fingertips.
Seldom do you see such a travesty,
With flashing images, that have made TV:

Master of the house, capturing your mind
Silly little sitcoms have you all entwined.
  Hear a saucy tale on Seinfeld and Friends,
  Sexual entendre making never ends.
Television's what you savor, many people think it's nice.
But nothing is for nothing, television comes with its own price!

Master of the house, eater of your time,
Many things you ought to do, but it seems prime.
  Gardening is dull, never read a book,
  Have a TV dinner, there's no time to cook.
All your other little hobbies tend to get accomplished less.
Staring at the boob tube, Jesus! It's addicting, I confess.

Master of the house, quick to catch your eye,
Daytime soaps entrancing women who walk by.
  Oprah and talk shows, staging little spats,
  Talking to gay midgets who love neighbors' cats,
Everybody knows it's foolish, watching all this awful trash,
But looking at the Nielsons, Jesus! They are making lots of cash.

Enter Monsieur, let go your brain
In TV land, to think is profane.
  Loosen your belt, stare at the screen,
  See a bad movie with Charlie Sheen
Watch some Hard Copy, and then Dateline too,
No matter what you like, there's a show for you.

Drama if you want, violence if you choose,
Both are on soap operas and the evening news.
  Don't forget the kids, we have lots in store.
  Mister Rogers and a purple dinosaur.
Tons of excess animation, people in foam rubber clothes.
Now your kids are spellbound, and their creativity has froze,

You there in the shorts, want to watch some sports?
See the orange ball bouncing up and down the courts.
  If that's not your thing, football in the spring,
  Or watch fighters circle in the boxing ring.
When it comes to your attention,
We know that the span is short.
  Cartoons or athletics,
  It is quite pathetic,
Jesus! What a bad way to comport.

Master of the house, it is quite a curse,
People choose to watch it rather than converse.
  Conversation's lost, it was once an art,
  Now the television keeps us far apart.
Even with a married couple, TV is the sacred cow.
If you don't believe it, Jesus! Here's some testimony now:

"When we first met, my husband worshipped me,
But that has changed since we installed our new TV...

Master of the house? Isn't very fair.
After work my husband takes the easy chair.
  Used to be we'd talk, things just aren't the same,
  Now he wants a beer so he can watch the game.
TV was a cruel invention, took from me my only spouse.
God knows how I've lasted with this television in the house!"

Master of the house! Master and a half!
If aliens are watching us, they'd probably laugh.
  We spend all our time, staring at the screen,
  Sad to think we idolize this small machine.
If you think that time is precious, here's a view you could espouse.
  Try to take a single day,
  Put the TV set away,
Try to spend a day away from the master of the house!