Summer is almost over, and soon children of all ages will be returning to yet another nine months of desks, lectures, and books. To make sure that your children are getting the most from their education, there are some simple guidelines that you should follow:

• Read with your children.

    For many years, we have known that parents who read with their pre-school aged children help them to develop a healthy literacy. However, since recent studies have shown that many high-school graduates still cannot read at an appropriate level, there is no reason to stop at pre-school. Take a few hours each week to sit down with your teenager and work through "Green Eggs and Ham", moving on to a more challenging book (beyond monosyllabic words) after two weeks. If they still seem to have trouble reading, ask a seven-year old to guide them through Harry Potter.

• Television is important.

    Less than 10% of high-school students can name both of their state senators, while over three fourths of these students can tell you who just got thrown off of the island on "Survivor". It is acceptable to be in the lower 90%, but not the lower 25%. Make sure your child watches lots of television.

   Television also helps to combat the rampant grade inflation in our schools today. Far too many A's are given out for mediocre performance. By keeping their free time devoid of any intellectual activity, your children will be less likely to receive these undeserved high marks. A grade of "C" was once considered average, and we must work diligently to return to those days.

• Discourage representative art.

    Drawings and paintings that can be identified are no longer in demand in today's fast-paced market where artistic skill has been trumped by shock value and the abstract. Students should avoid creating anything recognizable, although degradation of cultural or religious icons is always eye-catching. Coloring within the lines has become passe. If your child brings home a pile of scribblings on which he has wiped his nose after accidentally dropping it in the toilet, simply sign it "Jackson Pollack Maplethorpe," and it is bound to become famous within a year.

• Dress your children appropriately.

    In order to fit in with the "in" crowd, it is important that your child be perceived as a "rebel". A rebel must conform to the official rebel dress code, which varies depending on gender.

    Females should wear something which looks like it has been attacked by a wolverine; shredded denim is especially popular. Males should sport a pair of shorts roughly the size of Montana which entirely envelops their shoes, although the waistband can begin anywhere from the knees to the ankles. Various body piercings are also key for the aspiring rebel. Following this code will help your child to express his or her individuality, thus blending in with the popular cliques.

• Kevlar is always in style.

    Two recent problems in our nation's schools have been the question of whether or not school uniforms should be required, and the outbreak of school shootings. Both of these problems can be solved by the introduction of kevlar khakis and a flak sports jacket as standard uniform. Holsters should remain optional.

• Like "like".

    The word "like" has become a standard form of sentential punctuation in the spoken language of teens. Here is a partial grammatical list of when it is appropriate to insert "like" into a sentence:

• before any verb
• before any noun
• before any preposition
• before "y'know" (y'know is generally inserted every third word of the sentence to make sure the listener has not wandered off and fallen through a manhole)

   Thus the written sentence "Do you want to go to the movies?" when spoken would become "Do you like wanna like y'know like go like to like y'know the like movies?" More likes can certainly be inserted; the above example illustrates a minimal usage.

Prepare for the tests.    Your entire future and value as a human being is determined by a few standardized tests. High school students wishing to continue to college should be aware of the S.A.T., or Select Arbitrarily Test. This examination is given nationwide to determine how well collegiate applicants can fill in bubbles while staying within the lines. Thankfully, the test is multiple choice, so little in the way of actual thinking is required.

   Some colleges also accept the A.C.T. (A Comparable Test). A special type of preparation is recommended for these exams, which is available for only $50,000 from "Robber Barron's Princeton Smartz Review", and other such enterprising organizations. Preparatory courses allow rich kids to take the test without comprehending the questions, simply by understanding the psychology behind multiple choice.

   Keep all of this in mind, and you'll be well-prepared for the return to academia in September. Remember, if it's not an F, it's good enough. This message has been brought to you by Mediocriteen(tm): "We put the D in stuDent."