Printed in the Providence Journal
Issue of the week: "King Slalomon's Decree"
'Twas the late holiday season, and for some ungodly reason
I'd decided to be freezin' would be neat.
So because I liked such pranks (Forsaking both my ribs and flanks)
I had tied two wooden planks upon my feet.
Friends told me I'd soon be cruising, which I'm sure they found
Since I'd taken quite a bruising from the start.
Trying to ascend a mountain was a tale they're still recountin'
When of the ski lodge's fountain I came part.
My balance I couldn't regain as I lay there, wet, in pain
At that point I felt insane to take this trip.
But my comrades wouldn't be swayed and said I shouldn't feel dismayed
Just because I had displayed a little slip.
I resolved to get untangled, so although my limbs were mangled
Through sheer strength I finally angled myself right.
I escaped that situation, but it was no consolation
With the rest of the vacation left to fight.
Having climbed with no success I was feeling some distress;
My friend gave advice I guess he had to share.
"Though the actual climb may tend to be too hard," advised my friend,
"You can easily ascend upon the chair."
So I skittered towards the line, but my aim was less than fine
And I slammed into a pine along the way.
Nevertheless I made it. Slightly scarred and somewhat jaded,
My resolve had nearly faded clear away.
Soon my turn came to be seated: The chairlift I had defeated!
(Although you could say I cheated, since it stopped.)
Then the chairlift began rising and the view was quite surprising,
I could see myself arriving at the top.
When we got there I just gasped and then immediately collapsed
A few minutes had elapsed when I came to.
We laughed at this fainting sigh, but my laugh became a cry
When my friends explained what I was supposed to do.
I cried, "Look at all that snow that stretches out down there below.
You can't expect that I would go from here, above."
"Besides, my gloves don't match my pants so it's obvious I can't sk-"
Right then my companion answered with a shove.
Could a bumble-footed dope learn to ski right on the slope?
The answer proved to be nope, he simply fell.
I will spare you the details, just suffice to say he fails
And with ski poles near-impales himself as well.
So this run reached a conclusion with only minor contusions
Leaving me with no confusion how to act.
I ripped off both of my skis while cursing loudly at the trees,
"You can all stay here and freeze, I'm heading back."
To this day I still remember the excitement of December
When I nearly was dismembered and left dead.
So whenever friends decide to go skiing, I run and hide
To make sure I can stay inside and read instead.