Rants, Raves, and Rhymes (c.1999, 2000, 2001-- Seth Brown)

"A Simple Movie Question"

Ever pay money to go see a movie because your friends said it was really cool and some other friends of yours were going to see it so you went along anyway but it sorta sucked and you wished you'd listened to Tom when he said he didn't like it but if he didn't like it why did he say he thought you'd like it anyway and doesn't the false advertising bother you when they say crouching tiger hidden dragon and you don't see any tigers or dragons in the movie even though the smart ass guy said that there were lots of dragons in the movie but they were all hidden and you couldn't see the tiger because it was crouching behind the scenery but isn't that still a little bit misleading and wouldn't it be cooler if there were real tigers or real dragons that you could see regardless of the fact that they aren't real or at least tigers aren't real although dragons might be real but the point is that neither of them are less real than weird guys named iron arm mike who get punched through the wall and people waving green swords around and running through the air like luigi in mario two which was a cool game even if it is for the old nintendo but the point is that as long as you aren't going to be realistic anyway you may as well have a dragon and some tigers because dragons are cool and tigers are cool if they eat people and dragons when they eat people are really cool unless they flame them to death in which case they're warm and toasty but still cool and that's the kind of action we're really looking for when we go see a movie called dragon like that lousy one with sean connery as the voice at least there was a dragon who shot fire so why can't the hidden dragon show up during the film to shoot fire at least once is that so much to ask from a movie so it wasn't good enough the way it was and the high point of the evening was your old english professor being told that his car was being towed and standing up and swearing and by the time you leave you're upset that you spent the time and money for the movie which really wasn't as good as you'd hoped?
Don't you just hate that?

"The Flea" (with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)

I think that I shall never see
A poem as irksome as a flea

A flea concerned with staying warm
By living in my Williams dorm

A flea that's buzzing at high rate
And making noise I can't locate

A flea which is a constant pest
Disturbing both my work and rest

A flea who simply can't be caught
The insect I wish I could swat

Both fish and fowl are fine by me
But damn I really hate this flea

"Sonnet"

This poem sits upon the page to bask
Heartbroken for the duration of time
It's simple to create a better rhyme
So why not try your own hand at this task

Perchance while reading you may stop to ask
Observing vertically down the line
Eventually a message you may find
Methinks it unlikely because it's masked

Simplicity itself is just the thing
To unlock the pathetic foolish lock
Undoubtedly, I've failed to make you smile
Perhaps I'll throw my towel in the ring
I've given up interpreting this shlock
Don't bother since it isn't worth your while

A Review of Philosopher's Chapter Titles

Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics:

Aristotle's main fault is that his chapter titles tend not to be overly innovative. For example, book two of the Ethics talks about virtues of character in general, and the section is entitled "Virtues of Character in General". Although this is useful insofar as it is accurate and descriptive, it's not particularly fun. However, Aristotle does get points for his subsection titles, which sometimes follow amusing patterns like "The mean is opposed to each extreme", "Extremes are more opposed to each other than the mean", and "Sometimes one extreme is more opposed than the other to the mean". Overall, the section titles give you a good idea of what is forthcoming, and keep you interested. I give Aristotle's Ethics 7 out of 10 Cogitos.

Hegel's Phenomonology of Spirit:

While I just lambasted Aristotle a bit for having uninnovative chapter titles, I must say I prefer them to the more interesting but less clear titles chosen by Hegel. Maybe it's just that Hegel's terminology has always left me befuddled, but I mean, "The spiritual animal kingdom and deceit, or the 'matter in hand' itself"? C'mon. In his favor, though, many of Hegel's section headings have catchy subtitles set off by an or, such as "Perception: Or the thing and deception". Even though what follows the or is usually less than illuminating, at least it's fun. Hegel gets 5 out of 10 Cogitos.

Heidegger's Introduction to Metaphysics:

On the one hand, it's hard to do a lot with only 3 or 4 chapters in a book on being. On the other hand, I think we shoud still expect more than "On the grammar and etymology of the word 'being'", "The question of the essence of being", and "The limitation of being". No innovation points for you, Martin. 4 out of 10 Cogitos.

Hume's Treatise of Human Nature:

Maybe the big OF in the title should have tipped me off. Not only does each chapter title begin with of, but almost all of the subheadings begin with of as well. "Of the passions", "Of the understanding", "Of the influence of belief", etc. Somehow, this works better than Marty's being, and ends up being almost endearing. Of Cogitos, 6 out of 10.

Kant's Political Writings:

I have to admit, after reading these chapter titles, that innovation isn't everything. Kant simply quoted catchy phrases from the common parlance to use as chapter headings, and it works rather well. Who wouldn't want to read "An answer to the question: 'What is enlightenment?' ", or "On the common saying: 'This may be true in theory, but it does not apply in practice' "? This book speaks to the people, and this person speaks back with 8 out of 10 Cogitos.

Kierkegaard's Fear and Trembling:

While the Fear and Trembling part doesn't have much in the way of chapter titles, the second half of the book called "Problemata" titles each chapter as a problem: "Problema I: Is there a teleological suspension of the ethical?" and "Problema II: Is there an absolute duty to god?". Kierkegaard has realized that life is indeed a series of problems, which of course has his esteem Soren in my estimation. Unfortunately, this alone cannot save him from the sad first half of his book. 6 out of 10 Cogitos.

Locke's Second Treatise of Government:

Should the OF have tipped me off? Here's another guy who wants to start every chapter with of, but his follow-through simply isn't as strong as Hume's. 5 out of 10 Cogitos.

Machiavelli's The Price:

There may be more of chapters than are strictly necessary, but you can't fault Nicolo. Here's a man who wants to tell you everything straight, and gets right to the heart of the matter. "Whether Fortresses and Many Other Things Which Are Made and Done by Princes Every Day Are Useful or Useless" and "What a Prince Should Do to Be Held in Esteem" and "Of Avoiding Contempt and Hatred". More a how-to manual than a philosophical treatise, the Prince wins the handy-dandy chapter title award, and a well-deserved 9 out of 10 Cogitos.

Nietzsche's Ecce Homo:

The subtitles from the second half of this book alone would be enough to guarantee Nietzsche's place in the pantheon of great chapter titlers: "Twilight of the Idols: How One Philosophizes with a Hammer" and "Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A Book for All and None". But the real genius shines through in Fred's unabashedly pompous chapter titles such as "Why I am so wise", "Why I am so clever", "Why I am a destiny", and my personal favorite "Why I write such good books". I would say that Nietzsche has attained the Platonic form of chapter titling, but that seems to insult Nietzsche. Suffice to say I will give him 11 out of 10 Cogitos, because he's so goddamn modest.

"Sixteen Tons and What Do You Get?"

You spend sixteen bucks and what do you get?
A credit card bill that says you're in debt.
Once you charge anything at the store,
Your overdue interest rises more and more.
Williams is an ac-credit-ed institution
It means credit card debt has no dissolution
The bombardment of credit cards is hard to avoid
So prepare to have your finances destroyed
Cards come in your SU box, and on the phone
Hoping you'll be one more soul that they own.
All of those benefits sure look fine,
Until you sign your name on the dotted line.
Your Visa card was supposed to be free,
But now you're stuck with a monthly fee,
Your bills were sent to your home address,
And thus overdue, so you're charged a whole mess.
Your Mastercard was supposed to help your money behave,
But now the card is the master, and you are the slave.
Interest from one purchase can so quickly accrue,
What was twelve bucks now costs a hundred and two.
Your Discover card was supposed to save you a mint,
But then you discover you've forgot the fine print.
The frequent flyer miles sounded so nice,
That you completely ignored the high interest price.
Now you see what credit cards can do,
Corporations taking advantage of you.
The cycle of debt can hit you really hard,
So think before you spend on your credit card.

"From the Files of the Justice League..." by The Juror

I never really expected to get Jury Duty. I don't vote, and sign my name to as few forms as possible. Still, somehow my name got into the insidious clutches of the Massachusetts trial system. I was summoned to serve in Pittsfield, which as far as cities go ranks only above... hmm, I'm sure it must be above something... Well, Pittsfield's not my favorite city, let's just leave it at that. I never received the map to court in the mail, and hence took an extra 45 minutes driving (okay, being driven by a friend) around town looking for it. After 15 minutes behid a red left-turn light that never turned green, I realized that I hated this city/town/whatever.

Finally, I arrived at the courthouse. As I walked through the metal detected, the officers on duty were both impressed by my kazoo, an instrument they said they'd "not seen in years!" I explained that I once ran a kazoo quintet; I'm sure I left with their complete admiration. After filling out some forms with information that they *clearly* already have about me, I got to sit and watch a very informative jury video designed to explain the jury process to an audience with the average intelligence level of tofu. "J is for Juror. Can you say Juror? I knew you could..." Then the lawyers and judge smiled insipidly as they patiently explained for the camera that prosecuters prosecute, defendents defend, and judges judge.

Having finished this illuminating training seminar, we were told to go wait. I'd gotten there at 8:30, a mere half an hour late. It was now 9:00, and we were told that lunch break was at 1:00. I had to figure out two things: 1) How to avoid being selected 2) How to keep from going insane. Maybe both could be accomplished in one swell foop, were I to figure out a game to play with the other prospective jurors. Remember, Jurors are the people who decided that Scopes was guilty and OJ was innocent. I wondered how various people would react to my walking up to them and saying "Hey, I hear we're trying O.J. Simpson again today."

The blond woman in the leather jacket was too busy reading Cosmo to do anything but ignore me. The woman in the neck brace who has been complaining for the last 5 minutes laughs. The elderly black lady with the funny hat gives me a very vicious frowning. The two large men with the tattoos laugh, and one of them says, "Everyone's guilty, otherwise they wouldn't be here." The elderly black lady stares at me angrily again as I walk past her. Maybe I'll stop telling people about OJ.

Meanwhile, in the room with the TV, very old people and very young people (students, like myself) sit watching Regis on the television. Two other Williams students begin talking with the policewoman at the desk, and soon pick up their bags and walk out the door. Bad luck for me, since I was planning on getting a ride back from them. Regis' blatant stupidity is killing me, I must leave the room. Maybe I'll go ask the nice officer why those students got to leave. Nah, on second thought, I'd better not. I'm already getting strange looks. Must think of amusing jury pranks...

An hour later, I still haven't thought of any brilliant pranks, and we're called to stand like cattle in the hallway. I mooed, but nobody seemed to appreciate it. We were told that even if we were excused from the jury panel, we couldn't go home, and were herded into a serious-looking courtroom. After an archaic pronouncement of welcome by the balliff, we were sworn in and welcomed by the judge. Slowly, one by one, each juror approached the bench to try to convince the judge that we should be excused. I awaited my turn, as the balliff kept calling the wrong group of jurors to stand and the judge kept correcting him.

The Williams folks after finding that classes (1st day!) were not an adequate excuse, compared notes in the excused juror room for the first case on how they wheedled their way out of serving. 'Twas a cocaine trial, guy accused of dealing in a school zone. I managed to get excused, as did most of the Williams students. Someone said that a certain professor whom we'll just refer to as "S" (although it was actually Professor Silva of the Math Department) did manage to get stuck as a juror. The rest of us went back to wait for the civil trial roll call.

Thankfully, the judge eventually came in and told us that the civil defendants scheduled had all pled guilty, and that our mere prescence had caused the defendants to give up, apparently since the thought of actual trial was too much to bear. Imbued with righteousness at having helped my country, I caught a ride back with another Williams student. On the way, we discussed how messed up the jury system is. Someone brought up the fact that the main problem with our country's justice system is that juries consist of 12 people so stupid that they can't even get out of jury duty. Not to impugn professor "S", as I'm sure he could have gotten out had he desired, but chose to remain honest and forthright. Still, like everything else in this country, it's an incredibly dumb system which nevertheless seems less terrible than the other alternatives. Until next crime,...

"Dining on Spring Street"

If from our campus dining halls you want a little break,
Then Spring Street could be just your cup of tea and piece of cake.
For such a tiny street, the selection isn't bad.
So here's a little guide to tell what options can be had:

Papa Charlie's Deli (also known as "Papa C's")
Has various deli sandwiches that generally please.
Five bucks a pop is decent for a sandwich with a name,
And if you order Russian dressing, you'll be glad you came.

Another deli-esque food shop is the Berkshire Hills Market
If you like fresh meats and cheeses then I say unto ye: Hark, it
Is rather tasty and one great advantage does possess,
You can buy some food for later which will lead to happiness.

Myself I like to buy some cheese, then go across the street,
To visit Clarksburg Bakery and buy some bread to eat.
Or if you want it all in one, their cheese bread is divine!
(The greatest idea since sliced bread, I wish that it was mine.)

And then there is the liquor shop should you desire a drink,
Although for half of you that is illegal, I would think.
The laws and regulations rarely seem to be observed,
But if they've Pina Coladas, their patronage is deserved.

If you continue walking to the bottom of the street,
You'll come to Robin's Restaurant, a decent place to eat.
Some of the food is rather good, that much I'll say is true,
But prices can be so high that you'll think she's Robin' you.

Subway is a chain store which I'm glad that we could keep,
Because I need somewhere to go when I am feeling cheap.
Brand new breads and brand new sauces, it remains the same old song,
But still, look at it this way: For two bucks, you can't go wrong.

The Thai place finally opened up, and man, is it a winner!
I think there's nowhere else around I'd rather go for dinner.
Their food is great, and can be taken out if you are hurried,
It's safe to say, with their cuisine, my favor has been curried.

Lickety-Split has luncheons and soups if in you stop,
Yet to me it still remains a simple ice-cream shoppe.
The ice-cream there is tasty, though the milkshakes are quite thin,
So simply order ice-cream, you'll be glad that you came in.

Cold Springs Coffee is a favorite hangout place for many,
Although I don't drink coffee so I never order any.
The tea is good, and suitable if you feel parsimonious,
While arguing with friends that their great theory is erroneous.

That's pretty much your choices, I can't think of any more,
(Unless you count Where'd You Get That as tasty candy store).
So there's your dining options, all the food that you can munch.
Now, would anybody like to take me out to lunch?

"A Voice Speaks Out"

I am writing this article to speak out against something that could destroy our society and ruin and pollute many lives. I realize that some may disagree, some may even be offended at my lack of political correctness, but this is a forum for telling it like it is. When I heard about the same-sex marriage ceremony that took place the other day, I was absolutely appalled. This disgusting display occurred on our own Chapin steps, a clear message that the college is supporting such acts. A contractual union like this seems mainly designed just to take advantage of governmental tax laws, and should not be allowed. There is absolutely no reason to grant governmental recognition to two men or two women who love each other. And yet there is an even greater problem that faces our society today. I am speaking of the insidious practice known as different-sex marriage.

First of all, different-sex marriage is merely a boondoggle designed to give a man and a woman who marry all sorts of special privileges through numerous laws and regulations. No good argument can be made why a man and a women who decide to live together should receive this slew of special benefits. This is discrimination of the most heinous sort, creating a bacheloric underclass. What's more, different-sex marriage has other financial ramifications that threaten the very fabric of our society.

You could fill an entire sewage plant with the lawyers who make money from alimony cases (and probably should). Seeing marriage as nothing more than a monetary agreement, golddigging, moneygrubbing, underage females dressed in cloth that wouldn't cover a midget's navel end up marrying rich men 50 years older who are already leasing their own funeral plots. Often times the grief-stricken, impoverished, blood-related family is cheated out of a family fortune due to the governmental recognition granted to a woman who chooses to marry a man.

But there are also many social costs to different-sex marriages. Men and women are two very different types of creatures, and it has been well documented that they cannot understand each other. We are more likely to achieve total world peace in the upcoming millenium than we are to have men and women comprehend each other in any meaningful way. Numerous arguments always arise, and different-sex marriages set a poor moral example for the next generation of children. Some different-sex marriages take place solely because of children. A common place for domestic violence to occur is a different-sex marriage. And of course, two thirds of different-sex marriages end in divorce.

Is this the kind of message we want to be sending to the nation's youth? Is this how we want the government to spend our tax dollars, granting special privileges to those who have entered into this "sacred contract"? I urge you all not to support different-sex marriage, but rather to keep our society safe. Thank you.

"Humidity Explained"

Often times I am shocked that people don't know the simple scientific explanations for things like humidity, so I feel it is my duty to explain them. Humidity is a measure of how much water is in the air. The main factor that affects humidity is spit. Spit is the world's leading cause of water in the air, and environmentalists have long been working on a solution to this. Sadly, most environmentalists focus only on the problem of human spit, while llama spit contributes to the humidity crisis in the middle east, which in turn accelerates the destruction of the rainforests. The Llama Spitoon Act of 1973 attempted to remedy this, but was voted down by animal rights supporters. That leaves us with the regulation of human spit as the world's best hope for combatting the humidity crisis. Due to the democratic nature of our country, we cannot pass legislation prohibiting people from spitting.

However, there have been some efforts made to do what little we can. The spitball has been banned from the American League in Major League Baseball, although the National League still uses it, along with designated hitters, and mortars and pestles. The primary proponent of the spitball is that new hotshot Cuban pitcher. This may seem like a coincidence, but it is not. The Cuban pitcher is actually working for Castro, who is attempting to achieve the deforestation of all America through humidity poisoning. The pinnacle of Castro's plan can be seen in the Cuban cigar. Cuban cigars occasionally inspire spitting on the part of the smoker, and often inspire other people bothered by the smoke to spit at them. All the spitting increases humidity, and has caused the deforestation of such national treasures as the Grand Forest, now known as the Grand Canyon. Cuban cigars are kept in a nefarious device called a Humidor, designed to humidify even the most resiliant rainforests. America must not become another desert. We must fight this Communist plot tooth and nail, while being careful to keep the saliva in our own mouths. Don't spit. Remember, only you can prevent deforestation.

"Ode to Finals"

All through the week as you're sitting in class
You figure it's a breeze since you know you will pass
The lectures can be slept through, the readings ignored
And discussions avoided if they'd make you bored
On days that you show, it's because you're so kind
Since you know if you skipped, that the prof wouldn't mind
So you sit there and give a blank stare as you think
That you'd rather be joining some friends for a drink
Or outside playing frisbee, or just sitting around
Or anywhere else that is not Williamstown
And the classes progress, and the clock hands keep moving
And by late afternoon, your day is improving
But suddenly there comes a rude wake-up call
Where you find that you shouldn't have skipped class after all
The finals are coming, it's the end of the year
And though they're unwelcome, they soon will be here
At this point with professors perhaps you are pleading
To forgive you for not doing any of the reading
Arguing that a D is too harsh a gradation
For being absent when marked on class participation
And you've got reading week to allow you to cram
But a free week is ruined if spent on exams
So you hit a few parties and have some great nights
Until you remember your imminent plight
You show up for exams with your pencil in hand
And are worried, but suddenly, you get a plan
It's all multiple choice, it can't be a hard test,
So circle all C's, and just hope for the best.

"A Real Self-Help Column" by ME

The problem with most so-called "self-help" advice columns is that they are incorrectly labelled as such. These treacherous scribblings are actually cleverly designed to help other people who write in. Well, none of that shall go on here. My self-help column is devoted solely to my own problems, so without further ado, let's go on to our first letter.

Dear Me:

I know that they say dating can be tough at Williams, but I can't help but wonder about some of the excuses I get. Whenever I ask anyone if they're busy that evening, they seem to have previous plans. Is it true that a problem set means that someone can't spare any time for a nice evening stroll?

-Myself

Dear Myself:

You have simply misinterpreted what the girls are saying, although it is an understandable mistake. When she says "problem set", what she means is that going out with you would present an entire set of problems that she'd rather not deal with. Hope this clears things up.

-Me

Dear Me:

I really like this girl, but I don't know how to ask her out, and plus I have no idea what we'd do on a date. Help!

-Myself

Dear Myself:

Asking girls out is simple, simply walk up to one and say "Would you like to go out?". Of course, since you obviously have all the courage of a gelatin mold, your best bet is probably to try for a dinner date by way of an innocuous invitation. If you're feeling rich, you could even treat her to dinner on Spring Street. Nothing says class like a deli-style tuna fish sandwich. Let's face it, you live in Williamstown, there is nothing to do on a date. That's why it's important that you enjoy sitting and talking. Sitting and talking also has the great advantage of being free.

-Me

Dear Me:

I am a junior here at Williams College. I've been here for three years and yet my life seems entrenched in what one of my friends calls "a meaningless existential hell". What can I do to make my time here more worthwhile? I've only got one year left.

-Myself

Dear Myself:

Only one year left? That's awful! Have you consulted another doctor?

-Me

Dear Me:

No, I meant I've only got one year left at college. My classes, although some of them are very interesting, are not really fulfilling. Is there any quick and easy solution to this?

-Myself

Dear Myself:

Yes. Sign up for a Contract Major and then only take 100-level classes and independent studies. The 100-level classes will be a breeze, and you can focus on what you really want to do in the independent studies. In the meantime, make sure to get on track to become an I-banker after you graduate. There's no reason to seek a meaningful life when you can have lots of money. Compsci is also good.

-Me

Dear Me:

My love life has all the spice and excitement of C-Span. All the girls here are already hooked up, and if not, then they seem completely uninterested in me. None of them want to spend any "quality time" together, or go for a midnight stroll along the beach, or even catch a movie. The other day I was turned down for dinner in favor of composting. Composting! I'm not as flashy as some people; are my repeated failures just evidence of the "nice guys finish last" thesis?

-Myself

Dear Myself:

Your repeated failures are evidence of the repeated failure thesis. Your failures cause you to act pathetically. If you approach people in a pathetic manner, they will look at you and see pathetic. Nobody wants to spend time with pathetic people. Simply be more aggressive and remake your image. Your current problems are caused by your own actions. You have no one to blame but yourself.

-Me

Dear Me:

Hey, wait a minute, that means that it's your fault! You bastard!

-Myself

Dear Myself:

Yes, I admit it, I have deliberately sabotaged your entire life. Have a nice day.

-Me

"Going to the Bathroom Not Enough Fun"

The capacity to enjoy a meal is one of the greatest accomplishments of human society. Nobody really thinks about it, but our ability to enjoy the consumption of necessary nutrients is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Human beings need to do a few things to survive, and eating is one of them. This could have easily been another onerous requirement of our lives; imagine having to stop three times a day and suffer through the dreariness of nutrient intake. It would be yet another unpleasant thing we had to do constantly in order to maintain our bodies.

However, somehow we have managed to transform eating into an enjoyable pastime. The intake of nutrients is pleasant because we enjoy the tastes. We enjoy the textures. We have even transformed the entire event into a social occasion; meals are taken with friends or family. Occasionally when I sit down to eat with a friend, I marvel that one of the times of day I look forward to most is something that is necessary for my survival. We have TomSawyerized the fence, and now we can't wait to fulfill our food intake requirements.

That's impressive. So food is fun. But there's other things we have to do every day that are less fun, like going to the bathroom. We've managed to set up an entire culture around celebrating the intake of food, but we still relegate the output to barren stalls. Let's face it: going to the bathroom is not enough fun. As long as we have to do it every day, we should really figure out a way to enjoy it. We enjoy eating, which is necessary to stay alive. Many people enjoy sleep, another thing we must do to survive. And someone once told me that a few people even enjoy procreating, which ensures the survival of the species.

So why haven't we found a way to enjoy going to the bathroom? Maybe women already have, which is why they always seem to go to the bathroom in groups. I used to mock the idea of females using the bathroom as a social occasion. But why not? We converse while eating, even though our mouths are full. Maybe going to the bathroom would be more fun if it were a social event. And females being the social creatures they are, they have discovered this secret and thus congregate in the bathroom to communally do their duty, as it were.

Unfortunately, contrary to what political correctness would have you believe, there are some big differences between the genders. Males don't want to socialize in the bathroom. In fact, we don't even like to see anyone else in the bathroom. If there's a row of urinals we will take the one on the end, and every next male will take the one farthest from all occupied urinals. We don't want to be near anyone when we're going to the bathroom. We don't want to see you, we don't want to socialize. So how can we make going to the bathroom more fun for males?

Two words: Target practice. Imagine this scene: You walk into the bathroom because you have to go, and you think it's just going to be another humdrum trip to the john. But then, you see a bullseye painted on the back wall of the urinal! What excitement! Taking up your stance, you aim carefully and fire at your target. Most of it hits the bullseye, and instead of a dreary obligation, going to the bathroom has become an exciting experience. Now your life has meaning. Urinal bullseyes are the way of the future. Yes, with innovations like these, we will stride boldly towards tomorrow. So take friends with you when you go to the bathroom. Have get-togethers there. Lobby to have targets painted on your urinals, or maybe even mazes. Don't worry, you'll have lots of opportunity to practice. Let's transform going to the bathroom from a necessity to a form of entertainment. Because when you gotta go, you may as well enjoy it.

*driscoll poem*

Door. Open. Line. Wait.
Glance at menu. Not too great.
Trudge. Shuffle. Card. Hand.
Give to lady. Card is scanned.
Card. Pocket. Walk. Stairs.
Lean on railing. No one cares.
Step. Pardon. Step. Down.
Line is moving. Stand on ground.
Tray. Dripping. Fork. Knife.
Knife is burning. Such is life.
Spoon. Shiny. Plate. Yuck.
Plate is dirty. Lots of guck.
Plate. Cleaner. Grab. Plate.
Now one hungry. Darn the wait.
Bar. Sneezeguard. Food. Signs.
Spoon the foodstuffs. Wait in line.
Glop. Kabloop. Clank. Splosh.
Take two servings. Add some sauce.
Look. Desserts. Pie. Cake.
Some look tasty. One for take.
Turn. Glasses. Grab. Clink.
Fill with soda. Stuff to drink.
Bar. Lettuce. Bowls. Stuff.
Make a salad. Need more stuff.
Sprouts. Carrots. Ranch. Cheese.
Get some birdseed. Add chick peas.
Scan. Tables. Friends. Chair.
Chair is empty. One sit there.
Food. Chewing. Smiles. Chat.
Ask of classes. Laugh at that.
Chew. Swallow. Burp. Talk.
Drink some soda. Glance at clock.
Eat. Finish. Stand. Sigh.
Food is over. Wave bye bye.
Trudge. Shuffle. Line. Wait.
Food for compost. Dump off plate.
Tray. Empty. Glass. Bin.
There's one other. Toss it in.
Step. Pardon. Step. Up.
Now leave Driscoll. Forward hup.

On a personal note...

This was not published in the real deal, this is me commenting on the now. Allow me to say: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? I mean, I wrote this crap, and even I don't want to read half of it again. You'd think the fact that I dumped it all onto one page instead of giving each piece its own page might have clued you in to the fact that I consider some of it sub-par.

On the other hand, I was always rather fond of the driscoll poem. And actually, I'm mildly touched that you've read this far. Not touched in a bad, catholic priest sort of way, or even the benevolent touched by an angel way, but perhaps more like when someone goes insane and they have to lock him up in an asylum and the explanation is "Oh, he's touched." It's like when George Carlin makes fun of the phrase "more than happy". So anyway, yeah, thanks for reading this far. I feel like I should have some brilliant thing here, but I don't. I could mention that my email account is at @wso.williams.edu, and that my user name is sbrown, so if you want to email me, feel free. I'd write the whole thing, but the problem is that I've heard if you write address@website.com, some spambots will scan the web, copy the site, and send it tons of junk mail. Hmmm....maybe I should do this with addresses like president@whitehouse.gov. And maybe vice.president@whitehouse.gov, because after all, Cheney might want some email too. If Cheney is no longer VP when you read this, it means that I haven't bothered updating this page because it's a long rant. Hopefully, the main site will continue being updated, though. Righto, that's it.