My world is almost normal...
"A Midsummer Night's Computer Nightmare"
by Seth
Brown
Todays quote: "Dammit. Dammit. Dammit." Its not often that I
quote myself. "Okay, thats not true." But the point is that Thursday was
bad, and since my English teachers always say show, dont tell...
(Scene One, Jesup Hall, 7:32 PM)
SETHENCRANTZ: Ethannio, Ethannio, wherefore art thou, Ethannio?
ETHANNIO: Standeth I before you.
SETHENCRANTZ: Sorry. Recognizeth you did I not without thine cap.
ETHANNIO: No problemmeth.
SETHENCRANTZ: Well, good sirrah, tis time to start parte two of
yon obscenely large amounte of painstaking, mind-numbing worke.
ETHANNIO: Most like. Forsooth, required in this shall be gobs of
time spent struggling with minutia that hopest I naught to see henceforth.
SETHENCRANTZ: Thou saidst it; I dont think I canst take another
night spent poring oer this audio project and grunting and fretting under
a weary life.
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #1: (aside) What ho! Methinks an
opportunity doth arise, yea verily!
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #2: (aside) But soft! Let us await the
tasks completion, lest we strike ere there is worke to be loste.
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #1: (aside) Hence! Anon! Hence!
(Scene Two, Seattle, 8:17 PM EST)
BILL GATES: I am evil. I shall destroy the world, but first I will
use my omnipotence to destroy the English project of two wayfaring
students at a tiny liberal arts college in a winky-dink, one-horse town.
HENCHMAN: Sir, why speakest thou not in English idiom? Knowest thou
not that tis a Shakespearean form which by us is inhabited?
BILL GATES: Im Bill Gates. I will speak in whatever accent I
choose. Ifn I wanna, Ill do a Southern accent for yall. However, I
choose to speak normally now. You cannot stop me. My power extends to all
things.
HENCHMAN: Prithee, thou art aware that the computer in story thus a
Macintosh is, and hence no connexion could you have?
BILL GATES: Shut up.
(Scene Three, Jesup Hall, 9:47 PM)
ETHANNIO: Methinks this worke shall neer be done, our toil drains
the week of fun.
SETHENCRANTZ: Tis true, this worke speaks not of joys. (to
computer) Out, damned spot of background noise!
ETHANNIO: How shalt this worke be improved?
SETHENCRANTZ: Anon! Quaintly have I obtained this microphone from
good Thomassio, there is power in t.
ETHANNIO: That is for the good, gentle Sethencrantz. Let us install
it, posthaste. [attempts to install microphone]
EVIL COMPUTER GNOMES #1&2: (aside, chanting) Double, double,
toil and trouble, this iMac turns your plan to rubble.
SETHENCRANTZ: How odd. It worketh not. No matter, we shall
persevere.
(Scene Four, Jesup Hall, 11:30 PM)
SETHENCRANTZ: Toiled for many hours have we, for what effects even
we know not of. Yet here, noble friend, standeth a monument to our
labours.
ETHANNIO: Indeed! Spared have we not a jot of sweat, thine virtue
and mine have combined to forme a worke of true.
SETHENCRANTZ: Mark me, honest Ethannio. Let us set down our workes
in stone by saving to diske. For Fortune, she is indeed a
strumpet. [attempts to save to disk]
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #1: Thy workes shall not be saved to disk this
day!
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #2: The file format now shall go
astray! [computer monitor shows error message "Cannot read file,
incorrect format."]
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #1: Your worked file shall neer be viewed,
theres format incorrectitude, and hence, my friends, now art thou
screwed.
SETHENCRANTZ: This likes me not. I hath not the fix on t.
ETHANNIO: Mayhaps we shouldst apply a different tack.
SETHENCRANTZ: Nonsense, good Ethannio. He who steals my notebook
steals trash, but he who fouls my audio project arouses my ire. This worke
shall yet be saved! [attempts to save to disk again]
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #1: Lord, what fools these mortals be! We shall
learn them of our power!
EVIL COMPUTER GNOME #2: Boot him in the hams! [computer
completely and utterly crashes, burns, and dies a horrible painful
death]
ETHANNIO: Dude, this sucketh!
SETHENCRANTZ: Feareth not, I shall apply my learned
skill. [bangs on keyboard repeatedly to no avail] Dammit, dammit,
dammit.
ETHANNIO: Crappeth. This is due on Monday, knowest thou.
SETHENCRANTZ: Yea? Then Ill be brief. O, happy dagger, this is thy
sheath. There rust, and let me die. [pokes self with pencil]
Curtain.