My world is almost normal...
"Pomp and Circumstance"
by Seth
Brown
Woohoo, I'm a senior! And so are a bunch of you! You know what that
means... pointless ceremony! Yes, nothing says senior year quite like a
plethora of processions and convocations. I'm not even sure exactly what a
convocation is, but the administration seems to like it, so I usually play
along. "Um... yeah, I just can't wait to convoke! And what a fine day for
convoking it is! Oh, what's that behind you?" Then when they turn to look,
I run away. After all, sooner or later they'd catch on that I didn't know
what I was talking about.
Still, my time at Williams has afforded me insight into some of the sacred
rites of passage, and it is with great honor and hubris that I pass this
information on to you.
Baccalaureate has always been a term that confused me, but we can learn a
lot by looking at the Latin cognate. Breaking the word into two parts, we
get "aureate" (from the Latin, aurum) which means "thing that one listens
to", and "Baccal" (from the Latin, Lauren Bacall) which means "annoyance
that continues for hours". Thus, it becomes clear that a Baccalaureate is
an occasion for various people to drone on endlessly, in the Latin
tradition. I have suggested modernizing it by carrying on the proceedings
in Pig Latin, but was told to "isspay offyay" in the ancient tongue.
All Trout's Day is a tradition that has fallen out of favor at Williams,
but which was once as much a part of senior year as getting rip-roaring
drunk. On the last day of classes, each senior would purchase a small
trout and leave it on the president's doorstep. The resulting pile of fish
would form a small "school", a sign of respect and thanks for the
schooling one has received. President Shapiro may be just the man to
revive this tradition. (note to president: please don't expel me, I have a
family...)
And of course, the graduation ceremonies themselves are the pinnacle of
our time here at Williams. This crucial ceremony has many trial runs
during the year, because although Williams students are the best and
brightest of their generation, capable of scientific breakthroughs and
profound thesis writing, we really can't walk in a line and arrange
ourselves alphabetically without lots of practice. "Of course Lockean
idealism is utopian optimistic foolishness in a Hobbesian capitalistic
hegemonic society... does 'L' come before 'K'?"
The traditional graduation costume consists of a cap and a gown. The cap
derives from ancient times when a hard head-covering signified that the
student was now free from the rod of the master. Oops, that was a true
fact! I'm so sorry, let me try again... the mortarboard was originally
used to carry lots of spackle, in order to repair all the structural
damage that occurred during the previous night's festivities. Ah, spackle,
we know thee well.
As for the gowns, graduation ceremonies were once held in suits, but
someone always spoiled the effect with a white or blue suede suit. Even
when black suits became standard, some wiseacre would wear a pornographic
tie. So, gowns it was, and individuality was defeated.
If you're like me, you wonder what Pomp and Circumstance has to do with
graduation. (Also, if you're like me, you are suspicious of health food
desserts. I mean, low-fat Twinkies... What's the point?) Pomp makes some
degree of sense, since we're pompous about graduating, but why
Circumstance? I asked a friend of mine, who replied that circumstance is
what lets you graduate.
I considered this. I've had an interesting time here at Williams. I've
written papers on why I'm an idiot, and I've written papers with the title
and subject spelled wrong. I've written papers that include original
haikus, and I've written papers that include Jeffery Dahmer jokes. I had a
9:00 class that I slept through so often that once I went to class and
completely forgot that I had shown up. Half of my P.E. credits come from
playing the kazoo. I make jokes about whatever serious topic is being
discussed in class, and I make jokes about people who could have me thrown
out of college on a regular basis. If I do somehow manage to graduate, it
will be entirely due to circumstance, and no fault of my own.
So three cheers for Circumstance! And take it easy on the Pomp.