Narrated by Paul Kahn (aka Skip Skippington), this contest intro mimicked the many, many, many "cut in" novelty records recorded by Dickie Goodman and his imitators between 1956 and the early 1980s. They would generally begin with an "on the scene" reporter covering breaking news, from flying saucers in the 1950s to Batman in the 60s to the shark from "Jaws" in the 70s to E.T. in the 80s. However, each person the reporter spoke to would only respond in the form of a clip from a then-current song. In fact, Dickie Goodman was sued over his first record when he forgot to get permission from the various artists first. (Oops!) Of course, Make Way for Ducklings took care of ALL the legal niceties, getting dots on every "i." True, it was rather disgusting digging up Otis Redding or Frank Sinatra just to get their okay. But it had to be done.
(Stirring "network news"-type music crescendo)
Interviewer: This is Skip Skippington, reporting live from Williams College. I'm here to investigate unconfirmed reports of a trivia contest. The campus looks quiet. Excuse me, sir-- where can I find this contest?
"You gotta wait till the midnight hour!" ("Midnight Hour"-- Wilson Pickett)
Fine. But while we're waiting, can you tell me your opinion of Williams Trivia?
"Don't go wasting my precious time" ("Wannabe"-- Spice Girls)
But the contest is a 30-year campus tradition. Don't you want to be part of it?
"I got no time for trivialities." ("When I Get Home"-- Beatles)
Well, let me speak to your friend. Do YOU plan to play the Trivia contest?
"Sometimes I will, then again I think I won't." ("Reelin & Rockin"-- Chuck Berry)
What can you tell me about tonight's hosts, the Motherduckers?
"The radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools." ("Radio Radio"-- Elvis Costello)
These students aren't very helpful. I'd better look for a professor. Ah, there's Professor Tom Garrity's office. He appears to be finishing his newest published paper on advanced mathematics.
"One and one and one is three." ("Come Together"-- The Beatles)
Professor, you've been playing Trivia for several years now. What has it done to your brain?
"A little bit softer now, a little bit softer now." ("Shout"-- Isley Brothers)
Professor Garrity, you've seen many contests. What advice can you offer to students who are thinking of playing for the first time?
"You better run! Run, baby! You better hide! Hide, baby!" ("You Better Run"-- Rascals)
I still need to speak with tonight's actual hosts. Where are they?
"Down by the station, early in the morning" ("Down By the Station"-- Four Preps)
Finally! I'm speaking to Elissa, a member of the Ducklings. What can you tell us about your group?
"It's a real mean team" ("All the Young Dudes"-- Mott the Hoople)
Are you planning an entertaining contest that will be fun for everybody?
"You're gonna be sorry you were ever born." ("My Boyfriend's Back"-- Angels)
People love the Action Trivia. What will it take to get the very top score from your judges?
"It's interesting when people die" ("Dirty Laundry"-- Don Henley)
That sounds really severe. Here comes Chris, let me ask him. How ELSE can teams rack up the points in Action Trivia?
"I don't wanna see no panties. Take off that brassiere, my dear" ("Love Serenade"-- Barry White)
That's terrible! How can you be such a sexist pig?
"I touch no one, and no one touches me" ("I Am a Rock"-- Simon & Garfunkel)
I'm speaking now with Richard, who scored a big 6 in last semester's Action Trivia. What happened when you stripped naked?
"She stood there laughing" ("Delilah"-- Tom Jones)
Oops. New subject. What's the worst thing about having a dozen people crammed inside a tiny room for eight straight hours?
"B.O., B.O., B.O., B.O....." ("Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"-- Police)
Tell me, Mandy, what do you think people will be writing about your contest tomorrow on the listserver?
"Some of them want to abuse you" ("Sweet Dreams"-- Eurythmics)
Make Way For Ducklings is a combination of longtime alumni as well as current students like yourself. What went through your head, playing alongside these legendary veteran superstars?
"There's an old man sitting next to me" ("Piano Man"-- Billy Joel)
Here's Diana. I understand that last winter, you were the main Duckling working the telephone. What's the most difficult part of that job?
"I can't do what ten people tell me to do." ("Sittin on the Dock of the Bay"-- Otis Redding)
I see another member of tonight's host team. Sir, can you tell me your name?
"Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, etc." ("Come Go With Me"-- Dell Vikings/Beach Boys)
(Overlapping the "Dom, Dom, Dom" part) Sir. Sir! SIR, please STOP! Okay, Dom. I understand this is your 31st contest in a row. What does Trivia mean to you? Is it a hobby? An interest? A vacation?
"It's a professional career" ("Oliver's Army"-- Elvis Costello)
Here's Des Devlin, another longtime player. Des, what did you tell your wife this morning before leaving for Williamstown?
"Put me in a wheelchair, get me to the show" ("I Wanna Be Sedated"-- Ramones)
You have the longest current streak, 33 semesters in a row. When do you think you'll skip a contest?
"This'll be the day that I die" ("American Pie"-- Don McLean)
What a sad, sad man. Wait! There seems to be some commotion going on in the radio booth. The Ducklings are fighting over who gets to read the first question.
(Fighting and bashing sound effects)
I see Danielle struggling with Jason... here comes Stephanie with a bat.... OOH! Ben is DOWN! Let's see if my microphone can pick up any of the argument.
"LET ME GO ON!" ("Blister in the Sun"-- Violent Femmes)
"You scumbag, you maggot" ("Christmastime in NYC"-- Pogues)
"Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow" ("Secret Agent Man"-- Johnny Rivers)
"Where are you going with that gun in your hand?" ("Hey Joe"-- Jimi Hendrix)
Yikes! This could go on for hours. Megan, what time will tonight's contest end?
"At 8, and don't be late." (Chantilly Lace)
And you announce the final scores when? 8:05 AM? 8:10?
"Oooooh, you wait a long time" ("I'm Not in Love" -10cc)
Then, of course, there's the big post-contest awards ceremony in Baxter Lounge. Eric, can you describe the fabulous, magical atmosphere when all the teams meet?
"All around, people looking half-dead" ("Summer in the City"-- Lovin Spoonful)
We're almost out of time. But what a feeling of pride, to actually HOST a Williams Trivia contest. How will you look back on your accomplishment, once it's all over?
"I'm gonna roll myself up.... in a big ball.... and die.... my, my! ("That's Life"-- Frank Sinatra)