After the unanimous critical acclaim of his shot-for-shot remake of "Psycho," Gus Van Sant has embarked on another cinematic experiment: a film whose dialogue is constructed entirely from the dialogue of other films.
To make this feasible, Van Sant needed to find characters whose lives were such pop-cultural quagmires they could converse entirely in movie references. The he discovered Williams College Trivia participants. Now he’s casting for the part, and it’s time for your audition.
Included are a few pages from his script, "Four Trivia Weenies and a Funeral." To make it to callbacks, you must IDENTIFY THE MOVIE OF ORIGIN FOR EACH LINE OF DIALOGUE. You have one hour. Good luck!
INT. MISS ADAMS DINER -- THE MORNING AFTER TRIVIA
NED BENSON, LES DEVLIN, HANK FERRY and DEREK pile into a booth. They look exhausted. LES is mortally wounded and catatonic from an Action trivia. No one seems to notice.
A WAITRESS comes up and hands out menus. She puts a bowl of grapes and a bear claw on the table.
HANK
I hate grapes. I loathe grapes. All kinds of grapes. I hate purple grapes, I hate green grapes. I hate them with seeds, I hate them without seeds. I hate them singly, in bunches, and in small groups of two's and three's. I fucking hate grapes!
LES (catatonic)
I keep thinking about those lumps of meat.
NED
Pepperoni pizza, please, shaken, not stirred.
HANK
I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
DEREK
I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast.
LES (dying)
Wheat. I'm dead, and they're talking about wheat.
HANK
Would you happen to have any peanut butter?
NED
I can eat fifty eggs.
DEREK
I think it's hog-boiling time.
LES (holding bear claw above his head)
The Claw is our master! The Claw chooses who will go, and who will stay!
HANK
Ginseng ruined my happy home!
WAITRESSS (startled)
Looks like I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.
The WAITRESS walks off. NED looks over and sees a stunning young woman, SANDY KYLE, sitting in the next booth over. He gets up and waddles over to her. He clears his throat loudly. She doesn't look up.
NED
Look at me! I'm pasty!
SANDY looks up at him.
NED
I just wanna say one word to you. Just one word.
SANDY looks expectantly. NED whispers it into her ear.
SANDY
"Fagabeefe?"
SANDY looks into his ear.
SANDY
It looks like you've got some, uh, kind of alternate universe in there or something.
NED
You could call me a man of the cloth, without the cloth.
SANDY (unimpressed)
My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
He slides into the booth next to her.
WHIP PAN back to GUYS in other booth.
DEREK
He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
HANK
Those aren't pillows.
NED gets slapped by SANDY.
NED
It's not me, I've got my hands in my pockets.
SANDY
Those are MY pockets.
NED just smiles and puts on sunglasses.
NED
When you're cool, the sun shines on you 24 hours a day.
SANDY
I'd also like to add that I have my father's gun, and a scorching case of herpes.
NED takes a drink of her soda.
SANDY
You want a Pepsi, pal, you're gonna pay for it!
NED
You look ravishing, and I'd like to chew on your thighs.
SANDY
What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?
NED (crestfallen)
A strange man defecated on my sister.
SANDY
Well, you give your sister her half of this!
She slaps him across the face again. NED returns to the booth, fuming.
NED (red-faced and angry)
She's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.
LES
He is red! Kill him!
HANK
I'm not sure I agree with you a hunnert percent on your police work there.
DEREK
Women! They let 'em vote, smoke and drive -- even put 'em in pants! And what happens? A Democrat for President!
HANK (punching DEREK)
It's always nice to see one prejudice overcome by an even greater prejudice.
DEREK clasps a sympathetic hand on NED's shoulder.
DEREK
I have a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful waiting to get out.
NED (yelling)
Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
The diner goes silent.
NED (loudly)
It's a zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.
People turn away slowly, and NED wheels around on the others.
NED
Are either of you homosexual?
HANK
No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.
DEREK
We use a large vibrating egg.
HANK
Uncle Scrooge is so sexy.
DEREK
I love my dead gay son.
NED
Any fool with a dick can make a baby, but only a real man can raise his children.
LES (rocking back and forth)
Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.
WAITRESSS (O.S.)
You're going to have to watch it with that profanity.
LES
Oh, I'm a naughty boy. Naughty naughty naughty boy.
NED (depressed)
Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat!
LES (still in pain from Action Trivia)
I didn't ask for the anal probe. I didn't ask for the anal probe. I didn't ask for the anal probe.
LES slumps over dead, and hysterically so.
INT. GRILLO AND SONS FUNERAL HOME
NED, HANK, DEREK, and SANDY stand around LES's coffin.
NED
He was some kind of a man. What does it really matter what you say about people?
HANK
Oh Benson, dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
NED becomes enraged and pulls a knife on HANK.
NED
Yo, she-bitch! Let's go.
HANK (pulling knife)
That's not a knife. That's a knife.
NED (scared)
This is the face that I make when I panic.
DEREK
Of course he has a knife! He always has a knife, we all have knives! It's 1183 and we're all barbarians!
NED (pointing behind RICH)
What's that watermelon doing there!?
HANK (distracted)
My mind and my spirit are going north and south!
NED(pokes HANK in the kidneys)
I expect you to die!
HANK dies humorously.
DEREK
Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.
SANDY (to DEREK)
You're so money, and you don't even know it.
DEREK (triumphantly)
I'm a DEREK, and DEREKS don't run!
SANDY swoons. She and DEREK kiss passionately. FREEZE frame.
SANDY (V.O.)
Well, that's all the time we have for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical, and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the film's emotional attachments to the subject matter.
DEREK (V.O.)
I just hope you didn't think it sucked.
FADE out.