Comedians

1. Backgrounds. Name:

   1. Robert Klein's high school--
      DeWitt Clinton High.

   2. Rodney Dangerfield's doctor--
      Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.

   3. Phyllis Diller's husband--
      Fang.

   4. Robert Klein's college--
      Alfred University.

   5. Bill Cosby's college and special football play--
      Temple; The Kami-Cosby.

2. In Monty Python's fairy tale:

   1. What was King Otto's hobby?
      Singing strange songs accompanied by his Hammond organ.

   2. What was Mitzi's dog named, and what was wrong with him?
      Herman; he was dead.

   3. What is the moral of the story?
      "Smoking can be hazardous to your health."

3. On "What's My Melody Line," what prize do you get if you stump the virtuoso? What's the consolation prize?
   Prize: A beautiful plaster bust of Giuseppe Terrelli, and you become eligible for the grand prize of the complete works of Vivaldi, on convenient 45 rpm records sent out one a week over a period of 35 years. Consolation Prize: Toscanini recording of the 9 Beethoven symphonies.

4. George Carlin:

   1. According to Mrs. Brockenridge, how did her husband land in the Mayo Clinic?
      A helluva bounce.

   2. What was her topic and question, on "Queenie For a Day"?
      Topic-- Green Ancient Chinese Pottery; Question-- How many green ancient Chinese pots in a dozen?

5. Recite Tyrone Green's poem.
   "Kill My Landlord"
   Dark and lonely is the savage night
   Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
   Watchdog barking-- do he bite?
   Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
   Open he window, break he neck
   Then his house I start to wreck
   Got no reason-- what the heck!
   Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
   C-I-L-L my landlord.

6. What are the two lines of defense against Chicken Heart?
   Jello on the floor; set the couch on fire.

7. According to the 2013-Year-Old Man, what is the world's greatest invention?
   Liquid Prell.

8. According to Bill Cosby, why is there air?
   To blow up the volleyballs and basketballs.

9. In the Lenny Bruce cartoon Mask, what gave him away, and why?
   Mascara, because Masked Man's a fag.

10. What happened when Robert Klein's high school band played the National Anthem?
    People from every country stood up.

11. What three things does the Captain of the U.S.S. Codfish want?
    A big hand for the cooks; the First Officer returned; his door returned.

12. Name the main weapon... weapons.... of the Spanish Inquisition.
    Surprise; ruthless efficiency; an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope; cute red gowns; a night out with a nun.

13. Name the three primary implements of torture used by the Spanish Inquisition.
    The soft cushion; the comfy chair; the (dish)rack.

14. What question does Bill Cosby's wife ask at 3:00 AM?
    "If I die, will you remarry?"

15. Why won't Bill Cosby change diapers?
    He doesn't like surprises.

16. The Rob Kent No Hints Monty Python Question (*): What ways is brave Sir Robin NOT afraid to die?
    1. Mashed into a pulp; 2. Eyes gouged out; 3. Elbows broken; 4. Have his kneecaps split; 5. His body burned away; 6. His limbs all hacked and mangled; 7. His head smashed in; 8. His heart cut out; 9. His liver removed; 10. His bowels unplugged; 11. His nostrils raped; 12. His bottom burned up.

(*THE STORY BEHIND THE STORY: One contest was run by a team with Bob Buckner (Local 12), who several of us had dared to beat us with a Python question. They responded by making me famous (at least 5 of the fifteen minutes we are all purportedly alloted). One of the hour boni had (and this was read out over the air mind you) a "Rob Kent No Hints Monty Python Question," which was to name all the ways that brave Sir Robin was not afraid to die. . . .)