The Royal Family

A biography of Diana contains this memorable quotation about Charles and Diana's sex life: "He wouldn't touch her with a barge pole, and she'd rather have the barge pole than him". Name the book and the author.
Why was the author of this book quoted as saying, "All I know is that Eve Pollard"-- the editor of a British tabloid- "has two enormous breasts ... and I hope they both explode"?
Why was "Diana: Her True Story" originally published in Norway?
In Andrew Morton's book, "Diana: Her True Story," four people are used extensively as sources for "the truth" about Diana. Name them, give the main part of the book (e.g., revelations about her sexual practices involving lemurs) for which they are responsible, and describe the nature of their relationship with Diana (e.g., Bitter Ex-Lover Who Would Know).
Which of these people was subsequently taken off Diana's list of friends who had unlimited access to her apartments in Kensington Palace?
Several of Diana's "suicide attempts" were detailed in the Andrew Morton book. Five, to be precise. Most of which are pretty flimsy excuses for suicide attempts unless you're just trying to get attention. What did Diana...
1. ... overdose on?
2. ... cut herself with, and where (body parts)? (2)
3. ... throw herself at?
4. ... throw herself down?
A rival smutty-gossip-masquerading-as-biographer (along with a tabloid editor) claims that one of these incidents was an accident. Nonetheless, after it was marketed as a suicide attempt, the site in one of the royal homes where it occurred had to be blocked off because touring visitors would stop and gape. Where did the "accident" take place, and which was it?
And another Palace Insider claims that two of the attempts never really took place; Diana's just a lunatic who has greatly exaggerated her attention- getting strategies to gain public sympathy. What logistical problem does the Insider see with two of the attempts?
When Diana's father died, the card she placed on her funeral wreath was photographed and published on the front page of every tabloid in Britain. What did it say? (Bonus if you can also fake the handwriting.)
What did Charles write on his wreath? (Again, bonus if you forge.)
Who played Charles, the Queen, and Camilla Parker-Bowles in the Saturday Night Live skit in which Charles renounces the throne to live, as a tampon, inside the trousers of the woman he loves?
Mark Phillips (Princess Anne's ex-husband) was named in a paternity suit by an Australian woman. According to her, how did he arrange for her to know which room was his in the hotel?
What is her child's name? Nickname?
And, just for fun, why did the royals nickname Mark Phillips 'Fog"?
Which of the Queen's six grandchildren does gossip slate as being of doubtful paternity, due to his or her mother's extremely close friendship with a man not her husband?
You remember cringing in horror when you read them in "People" magazine in 1988 and (especially) 1990. What are the full names of the two Princesses of York?
Why did a few lunatics betting on the Royal Baby's Name in 1988 choose "Octavia" as a long shot? A: Because the baby was due on August 8, 1988-- 8/8/88.
What is the name of the Yorks' home near Windsor?
What is it often called in the gutter press (Hint: Dallas)?
Lesley Player tells of a visit to this place during which the Duchess of York winked and placed her (married) father in the same bedroom with Player. What awful pun did she make in an unsuccessful attempt to veil her desire to make a buck and screw a few people in the process, with shock, horror, and an offended sense of propriety as the man's acknowledged mistress?
Name the school Princess Anne attended? The school her three brothers attended? The school Prince William and Prince Harry attended together in London? The school Chelsea Clinton attends in Washington?
What did the MP for Ayrshire suggest that Diana wear to her wedding in support of British industry (or, more specifically, three industries in his constituency)?
Artistic Endeavors: Draw Diana's wedding dress.
What nicknames for himself and Camilla did Charles inscribe on a bracelet Diana found a few days before they were married? A: "George" and "Gladys."
And how did Diana learn to whom these nicknames referred?
In whose divorce proceedings were Diana's father and mother respectively named as partners in adultery?
1. Mother--
2. Father--
Diana's father subsequently remarried. What is the name of Diana's Evil Stepmother?
What less than affectionate nickname did Diana and her siblings bestow upon their stepmother?
How is she related to romance novelist Barbara Cartland?
To whom is she currently married?
Anyone remember Koo Stark? She's the girlfriend of Prince Andrew who was disqualified from the royal marriage sweepstakes because she had appeared in a horribly unregal soft-porn film called "The Adventures of Emily". Who, ironically, produced said film?
List all seven official royal residences.
In what small Gloustershire town are the country homes of Camilla ParkerBowles, Princess Anne, and Prince Charles located?
Where does the Queen Mother live in London? Give name and location. (Hint: it's near the Hard Rock Cafe.)
Who holds the title of Silver Stick in Waiting To The Queen?
Who works at Auto-Body Express in El Paso, Texas?
Who lives at...
1. Gatcombe Park?
2. Romeda Lodge?
3. Highgrove House?
Where did Queen Elizabeth II and her sister spend World War II?
What did Queen Mary (Queen Elizabeth II's grandmother) do when presented to Queen Elizabeth II just after her accession?
Why was Diana slightly late for her wedding?
What is motto on the Duchess of York's coat of arms?
The Duchess of York's wedding gown was lavishly embroidered and beaded with a cypher of her own and her husband's initial, anchors, bumblebees, and thistles. What item was the dressmaker unable to work into the design?
In the documentary film "Elizabeth R", who steps on the Queen's foot?
The same film covers the Queen's 1991 state visit to America. She is skeptical when she is informed of one honor an organization wished to bestow on her. Name the organization and the honor.
When the Queen is traveling, she is given many gifts, and there are several specific rules determining the nature of these gifts. For example, they may not be magenta in color. Why?
In 1981, the Queen called a meeting with photojournalists during which one of them commented, "Can't she just send a servant to the store if she doesn't want her picture taken?" What was the topic of the discussion?
Where were Charles and Diana married?
Who were the two senior bridesmaids?
What mistake did Diana make in her wedding vows?
What mnemonic did Sarah Ferguson say would prevent her from making a similar mistake five years later?
And what names does the acronym represent? (i.e., tell me what Prince Andrew's other names are)
>From what position did Prince Charles dismiss Fergie's dad following the publication of Lesley Players' fine specimen of autobiography, "My Story: The Duchess of York, Her Father, and Me"?
Whose home was (nearly) decorated with enormous stuffed teddy bears and picture frames draped with large tartan bows--a decor so hideous that one journalist commented that it was a pity they had been stopped, since it would have been funny to see family portraits taken in such vulgar rooms?
In the early 80's, the Queen's horse (whose portrait hangs outside her bedroom) died. This presented a problem for the annual Trooping the Color, since the monarch is supposed to ride a horse. How was this problem dealt with?
Why doesn't Princess Anne like being pregnant?
Why doesn't Diana like to ride horses?
Who was photographed...
1. ... urinating outdoors?
2. ... pregnant in a bikini?
3. ... nude during a 1991 holiday in Madagascar?
4. ... wearing a red nose for Comic Relief?
Who is the royal patron of "Relate", a marriage counseling service?
Which member of the royal family generally undertakes the most public engagements per year?
A German tourist was found sleeping in the back garden of Buckingham Palace one fine summer morning a few years back. When questioned by police, where did he say he thought he had been sleeping?
What aspect of the back garden of Buckingham Palace (besides the fact that it's pretty obviously the back garden of Buckingham Palace) makes this answer a little suspicious?
Why did Mrs. Peter Shand-Kydd (born Frances Fermoy) write a letter to the "London Times" requesting that Lady Diana Spencer not be hounded by the press?
When Charles and Diana announced their engagement, what did each reply to the question, "Are you in love"?
Name three positions held by Diana before she married rich.
Name three things Diana trained to do before she married rich.
During her formative years, which member of the royal family did Diana's parents openly confess they wanted her to marry?
Diana and her sisters excelled at one sport in school to such an extent that a certain maneuver became known as the "Spencer Special". What sport was it, and what (approximately) was the "Spencer Special"?
Both Charles and Diana have suffered the loss of someone they knew to AIDS. Whose companion was the "louche" whose memoirs were barred from being printed in Britain?
Who knew the "vulgar" man who left his royal friend his collection of diamonds?
With whom did William and Harry spend last Christmas?
And where did they spend New Year's?
Where did they go with their mother on summer vacation this year?
What security codenames were they given on that trip?
Name Fergie's parents and step-parents.
1. Mother and stepfather--
2. Father and stepmother--
Where did Fergie's stepfather and mother live, and what did they do?
How did he die?
Lesley Player wrote a book about being Fergie's father's mistress. Which of Fergie's boyfriends did she also sleep with?
Most people would agree that quite generally there are few good reasons for publishing nude photographs of public figures in newspapers. Regardless, one British tabloid wanted to publish its nude photographs of Prince Andrew a few years ago. (Well, maybe it's a good way to show the public in a way they'll understand that Britain is In Decline ... ) What claim did they make arguing for the necessity of publishing the photos?
And what were they told in response to their claim?
What is the name of the dog Andrew gave Fergie in 1988 to keep her from getting lonely while he was at sea?
What percent cocoa solids are the shells of the famous bittermints made by the London-based chocolate company with which the dog shares a name?
The Duchess of York wrote some children's books about a character called Budgie. Who, or what, is Budgie? A: A talking helicopter.
Artistic Endeavors, Part Deux Describe (or draw) the swimsuits Fergie was (sort of) wearing during the infamous St. Tropez photo shoot in August 1992.
What other two royal women have been photographed topless?
Describe (or draw) the outfit Diana was wearing during the infamous L.A. Fitness Club photo shoot of November 1993.
After the initial publication of these photos, what reasons did Mirror spokespeople give for the publication? What reason did they give when they were told they were being ridiculous? And what comment did they finally make about the published photographs?
In the dark ages B.D. (Before Diana), the young Princess Margaret was quite a sensation. What was the name of the lipstick created in her honor?
When Fergie went to New York in 1987, she was seated next to Norman Mailer at a formal dinner. She asked him what his novel "Tough Guys Don't Dance" was about. He responded, "Pussy." This really isn't a question. We just wanted to put this in.
One of Serena Stanhope's relatives described her in 1992 as a bright girl who was smart enough to stay away from the royal family. Who is Serena, and what is she doing in this bonus?
Which member of the royal family has been nicknamed...
1. The Great "I am"?
2. Princess Sourpuss?
3. II Tampochino? (Please provide English translation.)
To which British soap opera do the speakers in the 'Squidgygate" tapes allude?
Name the participants and the contents (any part, we know them all, frightening as that is) of the following Gates:
1. Camillagate--
2. Squidgygate--
3. Highgrovegate--
4. Fergiegate--
5. Queenmumgate--
Whose mitochondrial DNA was used to determine whether the bones found in Ekaterinburg were actually those of Nicholas II and his family?
Because no member of the royal family has ever passed a high school science exam (even if the Queen did work as an automotive mechanic as a teenager during World War II), explain scientifically why this person's mitochondrial DNA would work.

Okay, it's been a whole bonus and the Queen's youngest child has only been mentioned once (if you got the answers all right). It's time for the Prince Edward mini-bonus!

What college did he attend at Cambridge?
How many A-levels (entrance exams) did he pass?
What branch of the military did he join?
How long did he stay with it?
Prince Edward went to New York City and attended a baseball game in which the Expos beat the Mets. He said he was happy that the commonwealth team had won, but what presents did he bring home for William and Harry?

Finally, a thought for the unemployed, the temp workers, the class of '94, and those of you coping with general career anxiety:

"If you can't get a job playing a piano in a bordello, you can always be a royal journalist."
--Some British Newspaper. I forget which.