| 280 | Click Here to Get Huge |
| 241 | Funny, These Fries Don't Taste Like Freedom |
| 231 | Mortal Kumquat |
| 159 | Salted Nut Roll, King Size with Cream |
| 157 | We've Got a Blind Date with Destiny, and It Looks Like She Just Ordered the Lobster |
| 140 | This is Fun, But I've Got an Invasive Vaginal Exam to Get To |
| 112 | Bear Heirs Can't Scratch Mouse's Pooh Suit |
| 109 | My Loyalties Are Flexible |
| 93 | The Fabled King of Chimps and Dwarves |
| 88 | These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty |
| 86 | BOMO |
| 69 | I'll Steal As Many Forklifts As I Like, And I Will Never Regret It |
| 56 | Cunnilingus and Psychiatry Brought Us to This |
| 51 | Ben I. Has a Neat-O Vagina |
| 46 | The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything |
| 33 | We're Just a Teenager, a Powerless Former Demon, and Two Big Geeks |
| 30 | Team Squishy Cow |
| 29 | el Sac |
| 19 | marco.org |
| 18 | Tornado Alley |
| 17 | California Pythons |
| 15 | Little Hamsters |
| 11 | Crotch Ferrets |
| 10 | We Heard Long Team Names Compensate for.... Well, You Know |
| 8 | Viva Ned Flanders! |
| 7 | First Luther Vandross, Then Barry White... Bjork Wonders, "Am I Next?" |
| 6 | I Want to Have Trinity's Firm, Shapely Babies |
| 6 | Adam Bloom is Fighting for His Country. He is in an Undisclosed Location. He is Embedded, Embedded, Embedded. |
| 5 | I Heard Ellen Burstyn Did Her Own Stunts |
| 5 | Squeaky Rubber Communists |
| 5 | Betsy Rosenblatt Needs a Vacation. She is Tired, Tired, Tired. |
| 4 | You Just Can't Have Too Much Booty Lube |
| 4 | Noel Redding's Last Experience |
| 4 | International Communism Rocks My World |
| 4 | Gimli and Galadriel Did Not Get It On, So Shut Up |
| 4 | I Am Cold, I Am Stupid, I Am Dead |
| 4 | Holy Crumbleberry Fucknut |
| 4 | 80 Questions or Bust! |
| 3 | White Like Me |
| 2 | We Keep Getting Older, But the Girls on Campus Stay the Same Age |
| 2 | Trinity Dies in #3; Enjoy |
| 2 | The Manhattan Skyliners |
| 2 | Who Are You Calling a Ho? Untie Me! |
| 2 | How Many More People Have to Die, Before Nobody Ever Dies Again? |
| 2 | Molly Browns |
| 2 | Jeremiah Clockmaker |
| 2 | Messiah Johnson |
| 2 | Vaginal Intercourse |
| 2 | Mister Doobity-Doo-Doo |
| 2 | Bill Fred |
| 2 | I Hate Grapes, All Kinds of Grapes, I Hate Green Grapes, I Hate Purple Grapes, I Hate Grapes with Seeds, I Hate Grapes Without Seeds, I Hate Them Peeled and Unpeeled, I Hate Them Individually, in Bunches and in Small Groups of Twos and Threes, I Fucking Hate Grapes! |
| 2 | Trotsky, If You're Taking the 7 AM Dive, We're Hunting You Down and Killing You |
| 2 | Richard Flynn is a Tearing, Mewling, Watery-Eyed Mama's Boy |
| 2 | Alan Barsten |
| 2 | People Who Have No Idea Where Dom Grillo Is |
| 2 | David Stern's 8-Point Action Trivia! |
| 2 | The computer operator is tired. Please be nice and stop coming up with clever team names. |
| 2 | I Long for the Dulcet Tones of Des Devlin |
| 2 | Vote Tom Stackpole for Everything |
| 2 | People Who Have Located Dom Grillo |
| 2 | Mel Carnahan for Attorney General |
| 1 | Maybe You Should Use Your Long Songs to Cue the Damn CD's Up Correctly |
| 1 | I Love Whales, But They Have to Go |
| 1 | The Megaphone is Not a Urinal |
| 1 | Llamas Need Heath, Too |
| 1 | Make It Fast But Sexy |
| 1 | An Unlimited Supply of "Xena" Tapes and Hot Pockets |
| 1 | Who the Hell is Jim Bergerac? |
| 1 | I Found a Plot Hole in the Matrix |
(SCORING NOTE: Clerical errors undermined the actual scores for this contest. Luckily, these snafus occurred during a contest that was a runaway win. But there were some sizeable mistakes made on the scoring website, most of which are corrected here.
Two omissions loomed especially large: the 6th Hour Bonus scores (Art Montage) and the Ultra Bonus points were never added. Other than that, ther ewere random blips and bloops. Some online teams reported that their submitted bonuses vanished into the cyberether. And a few on-air question points went AWOL.
We have located announced scores, and asked teams to report their discrepancies. However, it is likely that, like Part Four, this archive hasmissed a stray point here or there. What makes us more nervous than usual about the post-contest mopping-up process is that we have substantially updated thescores of the 1st- and 3rd-place finishers, but not the runners-up, Freedom Fries. We trust that the adjusted totals do not diminish the Fries' un-retouched performance.
These are the on-air announced scores for the Art Montage Hour Bonus:
7-- Click Here
6-- Mortal Kumquat; Salted Nut Roll
5-- Bear Heirs; Invasive Vaginal Exam
Part Four also announced during the awards ceremony that Click Here was the first team to solve the "Shakespeare plays" Ultra Bonus, fairly late in the game. Mortal Kumquat also reports that they supplied the correct answer, and BOMO says they IM'd the solution circa 7:30. We are assuming that Click Here's Ultra score was a 3, Kumquat's was a 2, and BOMO gets the 1.
BOMO also gets a 4 for an announced bonus score that didn't make it onto the website. Click Here gets 2 on-air points which went missing. The fake team "I Found a Plot Hole in the Matrix" which had gone unrecorded gets its existence restored (and a 1).
Vaginal Exam, Salted Nut Roll, Loyalties and Bear Heirs all made efforts in bonuses that are not reflected in the scores above. Vaginal thinks they may have submitted their Space bonus (Hour #2) too late for credit. Nobody heard them scream. Salted Nut Roll worries that their responses to the Instrumental audio (Hour #1) and the Hour of Power (#3) may have been emailed to the wrong address. Loyalties received no credit for their Theater (#5) efforts. And Bear Heirs say they're missing an Anime score (#7). Because no scores were ever announced or acknowledged, and because we cannot estimate any results, we have not added these possible points. Salted Nut Roll believes that they could have earned another 6 or 7 points between their two mystery submissions. Vaginal Exam, Loyalties and Bear Heirs made no predictions as to their possible points.
These are the archival score revisions:
Click Here to Get Huge +12
Mortal Kumquat +8
Salted Nut Roll, King Size.... +6
Bear Heirs Can't Scratch.... +5
Invasive Vaginal Exam.... +5
BOMO +5
I Found a Plot Hole in the Matrix +1
POSITIONAL CHANGES: With the above additions, Salted Nut Roll has advanced from 5th to 4th place overall. Bear Heirs move from 8th place to 7th. Click Here's margin of victory goes from big to very big.)
There were two games going on this semester. As the teeny-weeny 72-point dropoff between 3rd and 4th place might suggest, just three on-campus teams battled it out for the honors this time. However, this three-way fight occurred atop a mountain of long-distance players.
Click Here to Get Huge took control immediately, building its lead bit by bit for about 3 hours. They then lurched abruptly upwards in the scores, totally changing the complexion of the game. In other words, they Got Huge. One sleepy player even sent a general email at 5:30 before heading to bed, offering his preemptive congratulations to Click Here. So it wasn't a suspenseful night.
The race for second place was far more spirited. Freedom Fries' hold on 2nd place was sure and steady for several hours. But the frosh supersquad Mortal Kumquat briefly nosed ahead of the veteran team somewhere around 6 o'clock. Freedom Fries soon righted themselves, and with a solid performance down the stretch, reclaimed the runner-up position.
Winning team Click Here to Get Huge was driven by the same ol' group who'd just come off running Trivia four months earlier (as "Joanie Loves Trotsky"). Still an undergrad-alumni hybrid, they were assisted in their quest by the addition of the trio behind Team Squishy Cow. However, the squad was also missing several of its regulars (including Paul Kahn, who'd gotten married on the previous weekend and was honeymooning in Hawaii). All told, the team was marginally smaller than the Trotsky squad, which had also won handily.
Funny, These Fries Don't Taste Like Freedom was a motley assortment of mostly-alums playing out of Bronfman. Their ranks boasted many of the Neutered Vampires veterans who'd run Trivia a year previous (as "Neutered Vampires"), plus a few current students and guests for flava. The team began with ~20 players, but attrition and the siren song of the soft pillow took its toll, knocking off almost half the team by daybreak.
Putting up a very impressive fight against the above two trivia factories was Mortal Kumquat. Taking home their second Best Frosh-Heavy Team title, they were the same gang as Mortal Kombat Intelligence Squad from last semester, plus sophomores Matt Kugler and Rich Rodriguez (while sober). They also enjoyed part time help from fellow frosh Evan Miller, Alan Cordova, and Tom Brennan.
Teams littered with ringers came in 4th and 5th from afar. Salted Nut Roll (4th) was Karl Hein's group from Portland, Oregon. Blind Date with Destiny (5th) was Mark Conger's merry Michigan marching band. The teams featured 7 and 6 players respectively, but only 2 of them were actual Williams alumni (one apiece, Mark and Karl).
Vaginal Exam (6th) was a farflung cluster of 4 or 5 players who linked up online from as many separate locations. Had they managed to attend the game in person, many if not all of the Vaginal players might have ended up on the winning Click Here team. Two California teams made the Top Ten. My Loyalties Are Flexible (8th) was Toby and Jen Elliott, aided by a friend (Tom Wang) and the occasional unwitting passerby. Thirsty Pretzels (10th) were Joe Francis and Maggie Heamon, both approaching 20 years of play, plus two work pals who lasted until 5 o'clock. BOMO (11th) was Tom Gardner and Steve Wertimer, of the original 1970s behemoths. And whirling out of the midwest was Tornado Alley(20th). That team was Bob Buckner (rested and ready after hosting Trivia 21 years earlier), his wife, and possibly an friend or two.
Also scattered across the U.S. map were several one-person teams featuring Trivia longtimers. Bear Heirs (7th) was Betsy Rosenblatt. Fabled King (9th) was Tom Bernard. Two Big Geeks (16th) was Tom Tomlinson. And California Pythons (21st) was Rob Kent. He led off the pleasingly serendipitous triad ofteam names from 21st to 23rd place: California Pythons, Little Hamsters, and Crotch Ferrets. Awwww.
It is not known whether the 2 points credited to the Manhattan Skyliners (40th) belong to the legitimate guy, or were phoned in by an admirer. Another perennial semi-team that could have used an admirer was the TasmanianTreebiters of the North, suffering a very rare non-appearance this spring. Perhaps after a decade of eating trees, their native ecosystem needed a break.
It was noted by the hosts that this semester's names were a lot more fixated on sex than normal. And with two penis allusions in the top 4 teams (including the winners), four vagina-related names (and that doesn't include "Kumquat"), plus various references to bondage, bestiality, urination,pregnancy, substandard penis size, and Booty Lube among other quirks, Part Four make agood case.
Whether the focus on these sorts of names is because the players have been getting too much sex lately, or too little, is a question we do not care to investigate any further.