(NOTE: We are including the original page numbers with this contest because of the "trivia index" at the end. It will be difficult enough for an on-line reader to match up the items on the index with the page numbers as reference points, scattered throughout the whole of the contest. Without numbers to guide you, it would be impossible. But surely you have better things to do with your life.)
***PAGE 1***
DECEMBER 11, 1992-- A DATE WHICH WILL LIVE IN INFAMY.
PHASERS ON STUN: THE NEXT GENERATION PRESENTS......
TRIVIA!
(NOTE: Anyone who recalls the Friday-morning nor'easter that postponed, then cancelled Trivia (until January 16, 1993) will certainly agree with the suddenly-far-too-relevant "date which will live in infamy" characterization.)
Ladies and gentlemen, to salute Williams Trivia and this great nation, will you please rise for our National Anthem.
(***TAPE!*** Roseanne's Nat'l Anthem*****)
Classic. And now-- so you can turn the volume down and vote on a team name-- The Reading of the Rules!
To those WCFM listeners wondering what has become of the program usually heard at this time-- there will be NO new wave, NO new age, NO New York Dolls, New Christy Minstrels, or New Kids on the Block. Regular programming has just been rudely ousted by the newest tsars of trivia-- PHASERS ON STUN: THE NEXT GENERATION! (pause) Has the cheering died down yet? Then I'll go on.
Since "Phasers on Stun"-- the Cadillac of trivia team names-- has already been spoken for, you'll be forced to settle for a lesser one. Any peculiar reference will do. Call us NOW, and tell us what it is! The six general numbers-- that is, the six numbers that any team can call, are as follows. Write these down NOW, or agonize later. 597-3150, 597-2317, 597-3052, 597-2284, 597-2283, and 597-2555. For the Lilliputian amongst you-- namely, small teams-- two very special, very private lines are at your disposal. ATTENTION, OLDER TEAMS! Small teams USED to be determined by the number of phones, not the number of players. HOWEVER-- since no large team has even COMPETED, let alone won, in several years, that definition has become outmoded.
***PAGE TWO***
Therefore, a small team will be any team with 9 of fewer members. Ten players or more makes you a large team! If your total looks like it might go up or down a little as the night progresses, make your best educated guesses as to your average manpower. The two small team lines are 597-____ and 597-____. (REPEAT NUMBERS) If you get a busy signal, don't weep like a lost pup. Try, try again! It only means there are other ravenous packs of triv-heads trying to BEAT you. Don't you let 'em! Similarly-- even if you don't know the answers, call anyway! Our operators are notorious gluttons for flattery, and if you pump them properly, you're sure to get valuable hints.
For the benefit of the 3 or 4 reprobates out there who don't know how these things work yet, here goes. We will putz around for the first hour and a half, suddenly realize that we're readinbg Question #11 at 1:30, and proceed to burn rubber in a doomed attempt to hit 100 questions by 8 AM. (ARCHIVE NOTE: Maybe cutting the intro to HALF a gazillion words might've helped.) Each trivia question will be accompanied by a song, which will almost invariably have been a Top-40 toe-tapper. If it wasn't, we will have a darned good explanation for breaking the Top-40 rule. Needless to say, anything sung by any member of the "Star Trek" cast is fair game. Your team has the duration of the song to call in. Answer the question, and get one point. Identify the song and its creator-- get another. NOW you're cookin' with gas. Some of the questions shall be Three-Point Plays, which occur when your team is fouled in the act of answering. If you spot a secret connection between the song and the question-- and many do-- you are probably the same sort of pervert who thinks that Nabisco stamps the subliminal phrase "naked gibbon loins" onto Ritz Crackers to increase sales. Then again, Richard hasn't eaten anything else for weeks.....
Since there will be eight hours' worth of all this rot, the actuaries on our team arrived at the following proposal-- eight Hour Boni! You will receive one Hour Bonus at the top of each hour, and you've got 59:59 to return 'em, as completed as your team can muster. A WARNING! Some of the Hour Boni will be AUDIO ONLY!
***PAGE THREE***
That means that your team should have either an idiot savant to memorize them instantly, or preferably, a blank cassette tape, pre-loaded and ready to roll. The first audio bonus will be at 2 AM-- about 117 minutes from now! Don't call in at 2:05, whining that you weren't ready. PLEASE, folks, we're giving you HOURS of advance notice. If you make us waste time replaying these things because you used those cheap Bosnian tapes, you just cause less trivia for everyone. (ARCHIVE NOTE: That "117 minutes to go" estimate was much too optimistic. 117 minutes to go until the end of this intro, more like.)
Twice, you'll pick up something the cognoscente like to call Super Boni! Except for losing their powers under a red sun, Super Boni are just like Hour Boni, only more vast! That's why we give you four times as long-- that's four hours, Archimedes-- to finish 'em. Bring all Boni down to the radio station in person! We are in the basement of Baxter. Go to the loading dock in back of President Oakley's house, near Food Service, open the door facing Park Street, and walk down one flight of stairs to trivia nirvana. In fact, do it NOW! Super Bonus #1 and Hour Bonus #1 are hereby READY-- we hope your team is, too.
Also on the agenda are those humiliating moments of ultimate shame-- ah, yes, Action Trivia. Periodically, we will summon those of you with motor functions to come down to amuse and astound us with fumbling recreations of our choosing. Our panel of unsmiling judges will grade your performance from 0 to 5, although you'll probably get at least a 1 for just showing up and wheezing. That point range again-- zero to five. SIX IS RIGHT OUT! Remember, though, a good, solid performance will get you a good, solid 3. Four's, and those rarely-seen-in-captivity 5's will only be awarded to those teams who display a shocking lack of common decency, who waggle their privates without shame, or who exhibit the eagerness to injure Ted Benson. Way cool props never fail to impress, but the critical criteria will be your accuracy, ingenuity, and manic frenzy. Always, one unbelievable performer with no props will outscore a mob with no clue. Put us to sleep, and your points will be cheap.
***PAGE FOUR***
Meanwhile, wending its way through these festivities like some swollen, diseased serpent will be the dreaded Ultra Bonus! We provide sets of clues, three or four items an hour, which share a special hidden connection. Your task: identify that common thread with as few clues as possible. The sooner you get your guesses down to be time-stamped at the radio station, the more points your team shall nab. Please-- guess early, guess often! DON'T be afraid to make blind guesses by the bucket-- the more stupider, the more betterful. We'll be reading the most ridiculous ones at 8 AM before the final scores, so go nuts! And do remember to sign your team's name to all Ultra guesses, all Hour Boni, all Super Boni.... in fact, get in the habit of writing it everywhere! After all, if you hadn't signed your SAT's, you wouldn't be hearing this now.
At 8 AM or thereabouts, every team but one will stand defeated, utter losers in the rubble of dismal failure, and every one of them thanking the God that made them that it won't be THEIR job to run the contest next May! Since that fine line between winning trivia and losing has never been more malleable, everybody and their uncle should hurry down to Baxter Hall, where we'll put this sorry spectacle to sleep, once and for all. And if hours of arguing and Xeroxing-- all unpaid-- aren't enough to tempt you, don't forget the ugly green trophy that goes to the winners and makes a handsome addition to any car trunk. The Lowlife Scum Award will come in especially handy as a blunt instrument next April, when the guy who absolutely swore he'd be doing 3 Hour Boni shows up at the last meeting with 2 "Who's The Boss?" questions and a bad rash.
ONE FINAL TIME! The PHONE NUMBERS! This is NOT a test-- write them DOWN! Write them down NOW! 597-3150, 597-2317, 597-3052, 597-2284, 597-2283, and 597-2555. Plus, for small teams only, 597-____ and 597-____. If you have not written down these numbers, you are very, very stupid.
Which brings us to your last line of defense-- the omnipresent Pus Line. This is an emergency line ONLY! Do NOT call for hints on questions, do NOT call to complain about our Rodney King Action Trivia, and puh-LEEZE, do NOT call if you hear us talking on the radio. This isn't Jerry Lewis' telethon, and we DON'T want to hear those phones ringing on the air. The Pus Line is 597-2197.
***PAGE FIVE***
However, if your team has gotten 159 points, and we say on the air that you've got-- oh, six-- THAT'S the time to call. However, some of our members have been playing Trivia since the 1970s. Therefore, any mistakes will not be due to incompetence, but rather, Alzheimer's.
You'll know you've reached Trivia Central when a crusty alum picks up the phone and barks, "Make it so." In fact, why not hear it for yourself, because we've reached......
QUESTION ONE, from the REALM of Space;
Subrealm: The Final Frontier
Question: Fans of "Star Trek" are well-versed in parallel situations and environments. For instance, there's the planet that's exactly like Earth, except the Nazis won. Or the planet that's exactly like Earth, except Chicago gangsters rule. Or, the guy who's exactly like Captain Kirk, except his gut hangs INSIDE his pants. Anyway, even the most rabid Treksters are often unaware of an episode shot-- but never aired-- in which Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Johnson beam down to a planet that is in every aspect identical to Earth--- with one exception. Every phrase spoken on this planet is followed by the extraneous trio of words, "The Next Generation." For instance, "How do you do: The Next Generation," "Do you want fries with that: The Next Generation," or "Oh, God, I broke my spine: The Next Generation." On such a planet, if the valiant crew were confronted by a menace of unknown capabilities, what command would Kirk be obliged to give?
Answer: "Phasers on Stun: The Next Generation."
Song: "Rocket Man," by William Shatner
(apologize for the poor audio quality of this rare bootleg gem)
(NOTE: Were the name of the team NOT "Phasers on Stun," there is no doubt but that the first song would have been saved until its place of dishonor within a Horrible Song Quartet. However, to appreciate the full nightmarish quality, one must locate a copy of the grainy videotape (taken from the 1978 Sci-Fi Awards) in which "Rocket Man" is performed by not one, not two, but three separate Shatners, each with a distinct "personality." Shatner 1 is a lowbrow, blue-collar Rocket Man; the more cynical Shatner 2 dismisses the "rocket, man"; and party dude Shatner 3, collar askew, is a "Rock It Man." The flop sweat on Bill's brow at the conclusion of this gruesome debacle twinkles like a thousand galaxies.)
***PAGE SIX***
(INTRODUCE the FIRST SCORING UPDATE-- all the teams have two points.)
#2
Realm: The Human Body
Subrealm: Our Copy of "Gray's Anatomy" Doesn't Include the Buzzer Nose
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! We'd like you to name the 12 body parts from the board game, "Operation." You'll get 1 point for any 7 of them, 2 points for nailing any 10.
Answer: The Adam's Apple; The Ankle Bone Connected to the Knee Bone; The Bread Basket; The Broken Heart; The Butterflies in the Stomach; The Charlie Horse; The infamous Funny Bone; The Spare Rib; The Water on the Knee; The Wish Bone; The Wrenched Ankle; and The Writer's Cramp.
Song: "Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)," by Robert Palmer
#3
Realm: Cinema Paraplegic-io
Subrealm: Something Lost in the Translation
Question: When movies make their way around the globe, lingual considerations make it necessary to adapt the title to the country in question. However, exact translations are sometimes impossible. With that in mind, by what name do we know the hit flick Japanese audiences enjoyed as "No Need For Any Doctors"?
Answer: "Doctor No."
Song: "Whodunit," by Tavares
***PAGE SEVEN***
#4
Realm: Gonzo Grandmasters
Subrealm: Still Crazy After All These Years
Question: Chess is not merely a game of the mind, but of the heart, the soul, and the choppers. That's right-- teeth. What dental alteration did former champ and current loon Bobby Fischer make, to improve his chess game?
Answer: He had his fillings removed, to prevent enemy KGB radio transmissions.
Song: "Percolator Twist," by Billy Joe and the Checkmates
#5
Realm: Radio Free Europe
Subrealm: Hope I Die Before I Grow Mold
Question: The BBC has a history of banning hit songs from its airwaves-- "A Day in the Life" because of drug references, "Lola" because of its implied Coca-Cola endorsement, and the Sex Pistols' "God Save the Queen" for treasonous urges. For what reason did BBC Radio initially ban the Who's "My Generation"?
Answer: They feared it would offend stutterers.
Song: "More Than I Can Say," by Leo Sayer
#6
Realm: The Eighth Smallest Nation on Earth
Subrealm: No, Not Tonga
Question: The mighty nation of Maldives never managed to translate that power into Olympic gold. In fact, Maldivian athletes finished dead last in every single event they ever participated in. Until 1992! Yes, all Maldiviacs everywhere were surely on their feet, weeping with a child's joy, as a Maldivian finished.... well, next-to-last. What unique circumstance allowed this singular Maldives legend to boldly go where no Maldivian had gone before?
Answer: Another Maldivian finished last.
Song: "One Nation Under a Groove," by Funkadelic
(NOTE: Despite the explicit "No, Not Tonga" subrealm, many Tonga-related guesses were given. The trust has been systematically beaten out of the trivia community.)
***PAGE EIGHT***
#7
Realm: Give the Gift That Keeps on Giving
Subrealm: "Taxi"
Question: According to the sitcom "Taxi"-- specifically, the wedding of Latka and Simka-- what is the most precious gift one person can give another?
Answer: 5100 dollars.
Song: "I Must Be in Love," by the Rutles
#8
Realm: Hotel Mismanagement
Subrealm: We'll Leave a Light On
Question: The movie "Psycho" was the first film to show a certain disgusting, repulsive thing on-screen. What was it?
Answer: A toilet.
Song: "Go Now!", by the Moody Blues
It is my sad duty at this time to inform anyone who had previously been enjoying tonight's contest that they are about to be subjected to the evening's first Horrible Song Quartet. Please keep the radio no closer than 22 feet, 6 inches from aquariums, pacemakers, newborn kittens or glassblowing equipment. WCFM is not responsible for any damage resulting from these....for lack of a better term, "songs"...... including but not limited to damage of a physical, mental or emotional nature. WCFM wishes to disassociate itself from this charade entirely-- in fact, the station's executive board is currently dressed in black body suits, and are lying on Route Two as a protest. With that said.... on with the crap!
***PAGE NINE***
#9
Realm: All This Can Be Yours
Subrealm: If the Price is Right
Question: Walter Cronkite said, "And that's the way it is." Carol Burnett tugged on her ear. The Beverly Hillbillies invited everybody to "come on back now, y'hear?" What is "Price is Right" host Bob Barker's personalized signoff?
Answer: He tells viewers to get their dogs and cats spayed or neutered.
Song: "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," by Telly Savalas
(Telly Savalas had a #1 hit in England with Bread's "If.")
#10
Realm: The Sweet Science
Subrealm: It's a Beautiful Day Upside Your Head
Question: "SCTV" fans surely remember the Battle of the PBS Stars, which culminated in a tremendous boxing match between Mr. Rogers and Julia Child. Sugar Fred Rogers won the bout, but only by using a highly illicit and underhanded strategy-- what?
Answer: He hit Julia Child with the King Friday the 13th puppet.
Song: "Thank God It's Friday," by Love and Kisses (hit #22 on the Top 40)
THE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET CONTINUES........
#11
Realm: Pythons Named Monty
Subrealm: Of Course, When He Said the Man Had Three Legs, What He Actually Meant Was That He Had 90 Legs
Question: We saw the man with two noses, the man with a tape recorder up his nose, and the man with three buttocks. Why didn't the man with nine legs appear on the show?
Answer: He ran away.
Song: "Daddy, Don't You Walk So Fast," by Wayne Newton (hit #4)
***PAGE TEN***
#12
Realm: Up With People
Subrealm: Calvin and Hobbes
Question: While taking pains to point out that tigers are perfect, Hobbes concedes that people are not 100% useless. What are we humans' major contribution?
Answer: An important source of protein. (Do NOT accept: food, dinner, to be eaten, etc.)
Song: "Delicious!" by Jim Backus and Friend (hit #40)
Thus endeth Horrible Song Quartet Number One. I don't like those two words-- "Number One." It does not sound promising.
#13
Realm: Meet the Press
Subrealm: Press the Meat
Question: We all recall the famous photo of Harry Truman holding up the Chicago Tribune headline, "DEWEY BEATS TRUMAN," although many of the people playing this contest were only kids in 1948. Bill Clinton tried to recreate that magic during his campaign, by holding up a newspaper this past August. What paper did he pose with, and what was the front-page news that made Slick Willie so happy?
Answer: "The Weekly World News"; the fickle space alien who had supported Bush, then Perot, had finally committed to Clinton.
Song: "Smiling Faces Sometimes," by the Undisputed Truth
#14
Realm: It Pays to Advertise
Subrealm: Thank You for Your Support
Question: In the early 1930's, the Ford Motor Company received a highly unusual, unsolicited endorsement. What was it?
Answer: John Dillinger wrote a letter to Henry Ford, saying his cars were the best, and that whenever possible, he tried to steal Fords for his getaways.
Song: "Been Caught Stealing," by Jane's Addiction
***FLIP TAPE #1***
***PAGE ELEVEN***
#15
Realm: The U.S. of A
Subrealm: States' Rights
Question: What do the following states have in common that the other 40 do not-- Vermont, Connecticut, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, New York, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, and North Carolina?
Answer: They're squares in "Monopoly."
Song: "While You See a Chance," by Steve Winwood
(NOTE: The states are even listed in their precise order around the board.)
#16
Realm: The Sport of Kings
Subrealm: For example, Moondog King, and King Harley Race
Question: At the one and only Slammy Awards pageant, the WWF had a category for "Animal of the Year," which featured the likes of Matilda the bulldog, Damien the boa constrictor, and Frankie the parrot. Unfortunately, these mascots had to waddle, slither, and flap home losers. Who won the coveted award?
Answer: George "the Animal" Steele.
Song: "For Everybody," by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper
(Desmond feels that this would be a good point to mention that Roddy Piper is God.)
(NOTE: Since this contest was held, the WWF has resumed holding Slammy Awards. And a grateful nation sleeps soundly once more.)
#17
Realm: I'll Never Be Your Beast of Burden
Subrealm: The Call of the Wild
Question: What do the following animals have in common any year: swallows, hawks, buffaloes, whales, lions, and tigers, and carp (oh my)?
Answer: All are nicknames of Japanese baseball teams.
Song: "When I Was Young," by the Animals
***PAGE TWELVE***
#18
Realm: A Team That Radiates Confidence
Subrealm: How Come Nuke LaLoosh Isn't Pitching?
Question: On "The Simpsons," robber baron Montgomery Burns is so desperate for his nuclear power plant to win the softball champeenship that he imports a ringer or two. All right, nine. Yes, an entire major league team of All-Stars accepts Monty's irradiated moolah for the greater glory of plutonium. If you had this team in rotisserie, you'd kick major booty: Roger Clemens, Mike Scioscia, Don Mattingly, Steve Sax, Ozzie Smith, Wade Boggs, Jose Canseco, Ken Griffey Jr. and Darryl Strawberry. For one point, tell us the eventual fates of any four of these players, and for the THREE-POINT PLAY, tell us about any seven.
Answer: P Roger Clemens-- hypnotized into thinking he's a chicken; C Mike Scioscia-- got radiation poisoning from power plant; 1B Don Mattingly-- kicked off team for refusing to shave sideburns; 2B Steve Sax-- wrongly arrested for murder; SS Ozzie Smith-- wrenched into mysterious limbo of nether world; 3B Wade Boggs-- punched out in bar room argument over who was the greatest Prime Minister of England (he said it was William Pitt the Elder; Barney's fists supported Lord Palmerston); LF Jose Canseco-- detained saving possessions of burning house; CF Ken Griffey Jr.-- doses of brain tonic gave him case of gigantism; RF Darryl Strawberry-- played 8 2/3rds innings; in bases-loaded, 2-outs, 9th-inning situation, Burns sent in pinch hitter Homer Simpson, playing those righty-lefty percentages.
Song: "Superstar," by the Temptations
***PAGE THIRTEEN***
#19
Realm: Sex Around the World
Subrealm: Daj Hammerskold Gets Us Hot
Question: According to the Letterman Top 10 List, the United Nations' international sex survey contained many surprising findings. One of the greatest shocks was that, worldwide, 45% of all women cry out one word at the moment of orgasm. If you have the time, and no fewer than 20 women on your team to assure scientific accuracy, tell us that one word.
Answer: "Ebert."
Song: "Stairway to Gilligan's Island," by Little Roger and the Goosebumps (the only song in history co-written by Robert Plant and Sherwood Schwartz)
#20
Realm: Front Page News
Subrealm: Presidential Pressure
Question: In 1960, one national magazine featured President-elect John F. Kennedy on its cover before any other-- the morning after the election, in fact. Given the physical requirements for printing and shipping, and given the razor-thin Kennedy victory, what magazine dared to beat the deadlines.... and how could they be certain that they wouldn't be sitting on a few million embarrassing copies, if Nixon had pulled it out?
Answer: MAD; the issue had a JFK cover on one side, Nixon on the other. (One said, "We were with you all the way, Jack!", the other read, "We were with you all the way, Dick!")
Song: "What's It Gonna Be-- Him or Me?" by Paul Revere & the Raiders
#21
Realm: Executive Privilege
Subrealm: But It Would Be Wrong
Question: What act did Chester A. Arthur commit while out of the country, in blatant violation of the Constitution?
Answer: He got born.
Song: "Baby Got Back," by Sir Mix-a-Lot
***PAGE FOURTEEN***
#22
Realm: "The Odd Couple"
Subrealm: The Shortest Question in Trivia History
Question: So what?
Answer: "Sew buttons!" (Felix's brilliant rejoinder)
Song: "Little Drummer Boy/ Peace on Earth," by David Bowie and Bing Crosby
(truly an odd couple)
#23
Realm: Mass Circulation
Subrealm: I've Got You Covered
Question: Of the 52 editions of "People" magazine in 1991, the biggest-selling issue featured what glitzy celebrity on its cover?
Answer: Jeffrey Dahmer.
Song: "Land of 1,000 Dances," by Cannibal & the Headhunters
#24
Realm: The Bleak Nothingness of Existential Doom
Subrealm: The Boston Red Sox
Question: Before this past season, Dan Shaughnessy of "The Boston Globe" did a little statistical research that absolutely proved the Red Sox were pre-destined to win the World Series. What was it that made victory such a surefire lock, historically speaking?
Answer: The Red Sox ALWAYS win the World Series the year after a Russian Revolution.
Song: "A Wonderful Dream," by the Majors
***PAGE FIFTEEN***
#25
Realm: Why did we ask this question?
Subrealm: Because it was there.
Question: If you asked your Tibetan mountain guide exactly how high you'd have to climb to straddle the peak of Mount Everest, he'd tell you 29,028 feet. Why would he tell you this?
Answer: An official survey found that Everest was exactly 29,000 feet tall, but they feared that this would sound like a rough guess, and added 28 feet.
Song: "Higher Ground," by Stevie Wonder
(NOTE: The above question was the source of multiple Pus Line complaints, some questioning the Everest info, others arguing about other motivations that the guide might arguably have. (That's why trivia questions should never begin, "Can you name....," because some joker will claim that "No" is a perfectly valid answer.) Anyway, it's probably a good thing that the ORIGINAL version of Question #25 was changed; it was supposed to have been "Why is Mount Everest 29,028 feet tall?" Phasers chose the lamer grammatical wording, fearing lots of peeved Pus Line calls-- which they got anyway. The thin air of the Himalayas does funny things to us all.)
#26
Realm: Great Educators (SUBREALM ON TAPE)
Subrealm: (DON'T READ! ON TAPE!) What a Waste It Is to Lose One's Mind, or Not to Have a Mind at All.... How True That Is
Question: What is the greatest contribution to the field of education by Cliff Hillegasse?
Answer: He invented Cliff's Notes.
Song: "Make It Easy on Yourself," by the Walker Brothers
(NOTE: The subrealm was an audio speaking clip from then-outgoing Vice President Dan Quayle.)
#27
Realm: Pushing the Envelope of Success
Subrealm: I'm Your Biggest Fan
Question: What movie star received the most fan mail in one year?
Answer: Mickey Mouse (800,000 in 1933; Shirley Temple had 730,000 in '36).
Song: "Round and Round," by Ratt
***PAGE SIXTEEN***
#28
Realm: And Justice for All
Subrealm: Don't Do the Crime If You Can't Do the Time
Question: In Elkton, Maryland, a mock jury was convened to try a famous criminal case. This jury convicted the defendant on breaking-and-entering charges, but deadlocked on the theft issue. What was unusual about this jury, and who was the guilty-in-abstentia defendant in the case?
Answer: The jury, made up of 3rd graders, convicted Goldilocks. (Actual prosecutor Thomas Klenk suggested a suspended sentence and community service, due to Goldy's clean rap sheet.)
Song: "Close Your Eyes," by Edward Bear
***END OF TAPE #1-- GOT TO TAPE #2***
#29
Realm: Great Islands in Trivia History
Subrealm: What Do YOU Think?
Question: Although the mighty island of Tonga will never die, trivia-wise, we cannot say the same for its residents. What unique item is traditionally used to decorate Tongan graves?
Answer: Beer bottles.
Song: "Shame," by Evelyn "Champagne" King
#30
Realm: Read My Lips
Subrealm: I'm a Dork
Question: It is September 28, 1987. You are then-Vice President George Bush, and you are touring the Auschwitz death camp in Germany. Once a feared compound for Hitler's maddest of plans, now a memorial site commemorating the depths of man's soul, hundreds of thousands died screaming here. Our greatest poets have been struck mute in conveying the abject black horror of humanity lost. But you are George Bush, and you must try. What do you say?
Answer: "Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
Song: "Shame, Shame," by the Magic Lanterns
***PAGE SEVENTEEN***
#31
Realm: Inspect Our Gadgets
Subrealm: The Misfortune 500
Question: The following rarely-advertised products have a similar background: The Giant Kite Kit; Leg Muscle Vitamins; Jet-Propelled Roller Skates; Burmese Tiger Trap; Batman Outfit; Explosive Camera Kit; Suction Cups; Instant Icicle Maker; and Invisible Paint. What is that background?
Answer: All are products brought to you by the fine folks at Acme, Inc.
Song: "Shame, Shame, Shame," by Shirley & Company
(We hope that you've enjoyed our MYSTERY TRILOGY OF SHAME, which started with the song "Shame," by Evelyn "Champagne" King, proceeded on to "Shame, Shame," by the Magic Lanterns, and just featured the haunting "Shame, Shame, Shame." If you can think of a Top 40 song called "Shame, Shame, Shame, Shame," start calling in for Question 32 now!)
#32
Realm: Agricultural Disasters
Subrealm: We're Not Anti-Em, We're Pro-Em!
Question: During the tornado scene in "The Wizard of Oz," five distinct items spin by Dorothy's window--- name 'em.
Answer: Chicken coop; men in rowboat; woman sewing in rocking chair; cow; Emma Gulch on bike/Wicked Witch on broom.
Song: "Going in Circles," by the Friends of Distinction
#33
Realm: Dead Dried-Up Egyptians and Ailments That Sting
Subrealm: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things
Question: What do the following have in common: sarcophagus, eczema, psoriasis, chihuahua, croissant, incisor, luge, narcolepsy, and Purim?
Answer: All are winning words in the National Spelling Bee.
Song: "Alphabet Street," by Prince
(NOTE: Unintentionally (but humorously), one of Phasers was pulled out of the phone room cold to tackle this tongue-twister, the first question he would ever get to read on-air. Nice one to debut with.)
***PAGE EIGHTEEN***
#34
Realm: Great Bundies of History
Subrealm: Besides Ted or King Kong
Question: According to Al Bundy, why did he never get a vanity license plate for his car?
Answer: Because "KILL ME" was already taken.
Song: "Cruel to Be Kind," by Nick Lowe
#35
Realm: Ragging on Dan Quayle's a Tough Job
Subrealm: But Somebody's Got to Do It
Question: Dan Quayle was asked if he could describe the awesome responsibility of being Vice president in one word. What word did he choose?
Answer: "To be prepared."
Song: "Hey Stoopid," by Alice Cooper
The fact that you are still upright, still listening, and still able to take solid food can mean only one thing-- maybe, just maybe, you have what it takes to survive Horrible Song Quartet Number Two! Ugh! Yes! Just when you thought it was safe to dig the gravel out of your ears, the agony returns. If you start to honestly feel you can't take it, keep repeating one thing to yourself-- at least it isn't a William Shatner rock block.
#36
Realm: War is Hell
Subrealm: Horrible Song Quartets are Worse
Question: As that noted philosopher Conan the Barbarian once said, the three greatest joys in life are to crush your enemies, to have them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. With that in mind, tell us the names of the men who conquered the greatest number of square miles in their bloody careers. You get one point for naming five, with only the gorethirstiest of you nailing down the THREE-POINT PLAY by naming the top seven.
Answer: Ghengis Khan (4,860,000); Alexander the Great (2,180,000); Tamerlane (2,145,000); Cyrus the Great (2,090,000); Attila the Hun (1,450,000); Adolf Hitler (1,370,000); and Napoleon (720,000).
Song: "Deck of Cards," by Wink Martindale (hit #7) (The host of "Tic Tac Dough" only conquered 490,000 square miles.)
***PAGE NINETEEN***
#37
Realm: Your Tax Dollar at Work
Subrealm: Read My Lips
Question: If you travel to the Netherlands, what is assessed an 18 1/2% tax?
Answer: Prostitution.
Song: "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Donny Osmond (hit #14)
THE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET CONTINUES.......
#38
Realm: Getting Back to the Basics
Subrealm: Basic Cable, That Is
Question: The Comedy Channel's greatest program is "Mystery Science Theater 3000," in which Joel and his robot buddies are consigned to a never-ending rocket ride around the universe, watching the worst movies ever made. Not only are these tin men Joel's only companionship, but his captors failed to include any necessary staple of life-- other than bad movies. According to the show's theme song, how does Joel manage to stay alive on his endless mission, without ample food, medicine, or oxygen?
Answer: It's just a TV show.
Song: "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by a drug-crazed Elvis Presley (the more lucid version hit #1 for 6 weeks)
(NOTE: The show's theme song reveals, "If you're wondering how he eats and breathes, and other science facts (la, la, la), just repeat to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax.")
***PAGE TWENTY***
#39
Realm: Military Intelligence
Subrealm: The Few-- The Proud-- The Israelis
Question: Every schoolchild knows that when you gotta kick some Arabian butt, who you gonna call? The Israeli army! Man for man, they've got to be as fine a fighting force as any group extant. However, never in the history of Israel has any man ever achieved a perfect score on the induction exam. Tell us why, and give us the lead singer of this recording.
Answer: You lose one point if you're circumcised.
Song: "Hey Jude," by Linda McCartney (hit #3 on Alpha Centauri)
(DO NOT ACCEPT Paul McC, Wings)
(A mischievous sound guy isolated Linda's mike during Paul's world tour.)
(NOTE: The above question was in the mix for years, never making it into a contest because it seemed so patently a shaggy dog story. But after hearing it from three separate sources over time, this urban legend acquired the plausible deniability of "good enough." Obviously if the internet had been in full swing back then, Phasers could have learned that the weight of all those penis nubs caused the crash of TWA Flight 800. But Phasers swears they didn't just make this up-- someone else did. Anyway, dick jokes are the classiest jokes, don't you agree?)
We have but four words: the horror, the horror. Could we be so cruel, so callous, so-- deaf, that we might inflict a THIRD Horrible Song Quartet upon you before trivia's end? Hey, what do YOU think? For now, all we can say is that time constraints-- and the philosophy of Friedrich Nietzsche-- will tell.
#40
Realm: All That Jazz
Subrealm: Sometimes You CAN Be Too Cool
Question: Jazz afficionados know Bix Beiderbecke (Bye-der-beck) to be perhaps second only to Louis Armstrong as a master of the cornet. Sadly, whereas Satchmo enjoyed a 50-year career, Bix was the James Dean of jazz, dying at the age of 28. A 20-mile taxi ride during a raging blizzard may have caused the pneumonia that killed him..... it certainly didn't help. Where was Bix headed on that ride?
Answer: A jazz concert at Williamstown (where he passed out mid-concert).
Song: "A Question of Temperature," by the Balloon Farm
***PAGE TWENTY-ONE***
#41
Realm: Praise the Lord
Subrealm: And Pass the Ammunition
Question: Legal scholars will recall that Jim Bakker's trial on tax evasiuon and other charges was interrupted when the defendant-- Jim, that is-- went a little funny in the head. When he was ordered to exit the building at the end of one day, Jim preferred instead to stay huddled in the fetal position underneath the sofa in the judge's chambers. As he was forcibly removed to a kinder, more padded place, he was weeping and gibbering. What specific explanation did Jim offer for being afraid to leave the premises?
Answer: That there were large animals waiting outside the courthouse that wanted to hurt him.
Song: "Uh Oh! Part 2," by the Nutty Squirrels
***FLIP TAPE #2***
#42
Realm: Notable Nicknames
Subrealm: Mutable Nicknames
Question: Sporst teams often change their name when moving to a different city-- but in the mid-1950's, one team changed names while staying put. They have since returned to their original name. What were the two names, and the reason for the switcheroo?
Answer: The Cincinnati Reds changed to Redlegs, because of Commie pinko connotations.
Song: "Holding Back the Years," by Simply Red
***PAGE TWENTY-TWO***
#43
Realm: Pythonabilia
Subrealm: And Now For Something Completely Esoteric
Question: One of the longest-running radio shows in history is the BBC's "Desert Island Discs," in which guests ranging up to and including England's Prime Ministers are invited to choose the ten records they would bring with them to a desert isle retreat. They are also permitted to select two books, and one object. When John Cleese appeared, he asked if he might bring ONE book and TWO objects. What two objects did he wish to include?
Answer: A papier-mache replica of Margaret Thatcher, and a baseball bat. (ABSURDLY HARD-- be lenient, folks!)
Song: "Walk This Way," by Run-DMC and Aerosmith
#44
Realm: It's Soft, Warm and Mushy
Subrealm: And You Stick It In Your Mouth
Question: Why did Quaker Oats remove that mush-loving Popeye the Sailorman from its packages of Instant Oats?
Answer: Because the Society of Friends (the Quakers) objected to Popeye's use of violence to settle his disputes.
Song: "No Milk Today," by Herman's Hermits
#45
Realm: Eat Them Up
Subrealm: Yum
Question: According to those noted oceanographers Barnes and Barnes, what are roly-poly Fishheads never SEEN doing?
Answer: Drinking cappucino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women (yeah).
Song: "C'mon and Swim," by Bobby Freeman
#46
Realm: Today Milton Bradley
Subrealm: Tomorrow the World
Question: You lucky dogs-- it's another THREE-POINT PLAY! NAme the twelve countries comprising the tempting-to-grab-yet-oh-so-difficult-to-hold continent of Asia in the board game "Risk." You'll get 1 point for 7, and 2 points for all 12.
Answer: Afghanistan; China; India; Irkutsk; Japan; Kamchatka; Middle East; Mongolia; Siam; Siberia; the Ural; and Yakutsk.
Song: "Back Stabbers," by the O'Jays
(If you've ever played "Risk," you'll understand the choice of this song completely.)
***PAGE TWENTY-THREE***
#47
Realm: Modern Philosophy
Subrealm: Stupid Modern Philosophy
Question: Listen closely to the following quote-- it's a tad long. "To me, it's much bigger than a film or an event. The world is in need of direction and help. Everyone's looking for the answers. So this can be a great educator. It's a film very much about good and evil, about the two great things on this earth-- love and fear. The only two emotions there are. You choose which one to be-- good or evil. You choose love or fear. Everything else stems from fear-- anger, hatred, jealousy, greed, which causes war, devastation, terrorism, everything that's happening in the rain forests, the way the earth is now. And when something like this happens, it's a real symbol that help is there, and that it's in ourself. If you love yourself, and give out that love, then you can get it back. You can change the earth with that." Who spoke these words in 1989, and about which film?
Answer: Kim Basinger, on "Batman."
Song: "Rave On," by Buddy Holly & the Crickets
#48
Realm: Playing a Hunch
Subrealm: Now is the Winter of Dis Contest
Question: King Richard the Third inspired not one, but TWO great works of literature. This is a ONE-POINT PLAY--- you get zero points for naming one of the works, and one point if you can name both!
Answer: "King Richard III (duh!), and "Humpty Dumpty."
Song: "Off the Wall," by Michael Jackson
***PAGE TWENTY-FOUR***
#49
Realm: We Can Work It Out
Subrealm: Hey, We All Gotta Start Somewhere
Question: When he first got engaged to that saucy bitch Marge Bouvier, what job did Homer Simpson have to support them?
Answer: He turned the crank inside the windmill at the miniature golf course.
Song: "Keep the Ball Rollin'," by Jay & the Techniques
#50
Realm: A is for Aardvark
Subrealm: B is for Bug
Question: From the most successful independent comic of all time, "Cerebus," name the various incarnations of the Roach. Give us four for 1 point, or the whole swarm of 8 for the THREE-POINT PLAY!
Answer: Captain Cockroach; Moon Roach; Wolveroach; the Purely Platonic Priest Roach; the Secret Sacred Wars Roach; normalroach; Sgt. Preston Roach; and Punisherroach. (ACCEPT: Loboroach; Venomroach; Ghost Roach)
Song: "My Ever-Changing Moods," by the Style Council
#51
Realm: Pituitary Philately
Subrealm: Maybe That's Why Michael Always Sticks His Tongue Out
Question: The U.S. Post Office recently issued a 29-cent stamp commemorating the centennial of basketball, featuring two sets of hands, one ball, and one hoop. What grievous error did they make?
Answer: The play shown would be called "goaltending" by the ref.
Song: "Tower of Strength," by Gene McDaniels
***PAGE TWENTY-FIVE***
#52
Realm: Great British Drama
Subrealm: "Sesame Street"
Question: The more high-class among you are surely aware of that most cultural, uplifting and genteel of TV programs-- we refer, of course, to "Monsterpiece Theater." Hosted by the ever-sophisticated Alistair Cookie, it features only the apex of the playwright's craft. Like its cheap imitation "Masterpiece Theater," "Monsterpiece Theater" begins with stirring music, as the camera sweeps across a desk littered with candelabras, quills, snuff boxes, and tinted portraits. Also included are several beautifully-bound volumes of classic literature, replete with embossed lettering. We'd like to concentrate on one of these books. The title is identical to that of a cheesy drama produced on that low-rent "Masterpiece Theater," except for the difference of one word. What is the title of the "Monsterpiece Theater" volume?
Answer: "Me, Claudius."
Song: "Cookie Puss," by the Beastie Boys (one of the very few rap songs to sample Steve Martin)
#53
Realm: It's So Funny to Be Alcoholic
Subrealm: "Cheers"
Question: Quite against her will, Lilith discovers that Frasier had earlier induced some post-hypnotic behavior in her. Certain words would trigger certain behavior. Name the three words, and Lilith's three involuntary reactions.
Answer: "Brie cheese"-- she takes off her shoes; "Tambourine"-- she takes off all her clothing; "Tractor"-- she sings "Tomorrow" from "Annie."
Song: "A Groovy Kind of Love," by the Mindbenders
***PAGE TWENTY-SIX***
#54
Realm: Wretched Cinema
Subrealm: We Still Think Tor Johnson Was Cheated Out of an Oscar
Question: In that brilliant sci-fi classic, "Plan Nine from Outer Space," transvestite director Ed Wood got the faux-psychic Criswell to narrate his opus. Criswell tells us that one reason to watch the film is because "we are all interested in the future." WHY are we all interested in the future?
Answer: "Because that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives!"
Song: "As The Years Go By," by Mashmakhan
#55
Realm: It's a Bird! It's a Plane!
Subrealm: It's a Blatant Super-Plug!
Question: In the 1950's, the "Superman" TV series was periodically interrupted by--- Superman! As Clark Kent grinned at the camera, he misused his super-influence by telling kids that Special K cereal was the most important part of a Kryptonian breakfast. Why was Lois Lane not allowed to add her Earthly endorsement in these TV ads?
Answer: Because viewers might infer that Clark and Lois were sharing breakfast after a "super-night before."
Song: "Morning Girl," by the Neon Philharmonic
(NOTE: The Phasers reader gave the on-air answer as "after supper the night before," thoroughly undoing the question's meaning. It was never corrected. We now believe he was under the influence of Red Kryptonite, whose effects are always unpredictable.)
#56
Realm: Eensy-Weensy Ultra Boni
Subrealm: Nine of the Ten Greatest Men of All Time
Question: Edward G. Robinson, Art Linkletter, Santa Claus, Don Ho, Sammy Davis Jr., Dick Clark, the Green Hornet, Jerry Lewis, and Lurch from "The Addams Family" all share one achievement-- what is it?
Answer: They all made sideways window cameos on the "Batman" TV show.
Song: "Look Through Any Window," by the Hollies
***END OF TAPE #2-- GO TO TAPE #3***
***PAGE TWENTY-SEVEN***
#57
Realm: Oui, Oui, Monsieur
Subrealm: Not-So-Great Moments in French History
Question: The Flame of the Unknown Soldier in Paris' Arc de Triomphe has only gone out once since it was dedicated. What happened?
Answer: A drunken American soldier urinated on it.
Song: "Eternal Flame," by the Bangles
#58
Realm: Ideas Ahead of Their Time
Subrealm: Original Sin
Question: What 1977 movie was advertised as "the Most Original Motion Picture of All Time"?
Answer: "King Kong" (the remake).
Song: "Ape Call," by Nervous Norvus
#59
Realm: Woody Allen, Criminal
Subrealm: Oh No, We Don't.....
Question: According to his wife in "Take the Money and Run," why didn't Virgil Starkwell ever make the Ten Most Wanted List?
Answer: "It's very biased-- it's who you know."
Song: "Catch Us If You Can," by the Dave Clark Five
#60
Realm: Adapt or Die
Subrealm: Dammit, We Were SO Sure That "MacGyver" Would Make It, Too!
Question: In a world where we think back to the OLD "Beverly Hills 90210" shows, can you name the most ancient survivors on prime time TV; that is, any program that's been on since 1986? We'll give you one point for naming any five, and you'll complete the THREE-POINT PLAY by naming all seven.
Answer: "60 Minutes" ('68); "Monday Night Football" ('70); "20/20" ('78); "Knots Landing" ('79); "Cheers" ('82); "Murder, She Wrote" ('84); and "L.A. Law" ('86).
Song: "Explosion in My Soul," by the Soul Survivors
(NOTE: "Perfect Strangers," which began in 1986, was originally on this list (with the two- and three-point levels coming for naming 6 and 8). Though semi-cancelled the previous spring, the remaining episodes were due to return to ABC's lineup before the contest. But they didn't, so Phasers cut it. Several teams complained about giving what they considered to be valid answers such as "Entertainment Tonight," "The Price is Right," or "Late Night with David Letterman"-- but they clearly missed the caveat that all shows had to be "PRIME TIME." How sad for them. As Phasers pointed out in slapping down their objections, "Meet the Press" has been on since 1948.)
***PAGE TWENTY-EIGHT***
#61
Realm: Hooray For Hollywood
Subrealm: Art for Art's Sake
Question: According to its President, Lloyd Kaufman, what film company's name comes from a Latin word meaning, "excellence on celluloid"?
Answer: Troma.
Song: "It's Wonderful," by the Rascals
We've received a lot of phone calls, and a few people have come down, all asking the same question. Unfortunately, this is the answer. Although the Federal Communications Commission is endowed with the means to punish obscenity, libel, knowingly false news reports and sexually explicit content, they are powerless to halt Horrible Song Quartets. Makes democracy ring a little hollow, doesn't it? Although our aplogies are scant consolation to you, the good people of trivia, it's the best we can do. And so, confront your inner dread once more, with Horrible Song Quartet Number Three!
#62
Realm: Great Authors
Subrealm: Curse You, Red Pencil!
Question: Snoopy quits writing his novel, in favor of the short story. What leads him to this authorial decision?
Answer: He only has one sheet of paper.
Song: "Oh! Susanna," by the Singing Dogs (hit #22)
#63
Realm: Innovators of Sport
Subrealm: Steal This Question
Question: What led Montreal Expo Tim Raines to develop the headfirst slide that made him such a fearsome threat during the 1980's?
Answer: He didn't want to wreck the cocaine in his back pocket.
Song: "Saturday in the Park," by the Brady Bunch (hit #12 in Lower Zimbabwe)
THE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET CONTINUES.......
***PAGE TWENTY-NINE***
#64
Realm: Today (today) We Consider Ourselves (sider ourselves)
Subrealm: The Luckiest Trivia Team (team) on the Face of the Earth (earth)
Question: If you saw the actual Yankee uniform worn by Gary Cooper in the film "Pride of the Yankees," what would look out of place about it, and why?
Answer: Since Gehrig was a lefty, and Cooper a righty, he wore a backwards uniform, complete with reversed "4." During all baseball scenes, Cooper ran from home to third, and the image was then reversed.
Song: "!Aaah-Ah, Yawa Em Ekat Ot Gnimoc Er'yeht," by Napoleon XIV (hit #3)
(ACCEPT: " 'They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!' backwards")
(This song was the B-side of the hit version, and played on a jukebox, reportedly once cleared out an entire restaurant in under a minute. Hope you're still there.)
#65
Realm: Jinky the Fruit Bat
Subrealm: We Just Love Saying "Jinky the Fruit Bat"
Question: One recent TV cancellation was all the more tragic, because it meant the end of.... Jinky the Fruit Bat. What show was once a happy home for..... Jinky the Fruit Bat?
Answer: He was the mascot of "The Dennis Miller Show."
Song: "Tutti Frutti," by Pat Boone
(Pat Boone's version hit #12; Little Richard's only #17. Pat's is therefore five better.)
Another Horrible Song Quartet has ended-- or as they say in France, les quatour de les ballades horribles. And since the state, it's us, the malevolent despots of Phasers on Stun: TNG chortle, "Let them eat Brady Bunch music!"
***PAGE THIRTY***
#66
Realm: It's My Third Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Subrealm: Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Jinky the Fruit Bat
Question: Not counting good old H. Ross, only five third-party candidates this century have managed a paltry 6% or more of the Presidential vote. Name them!
Answer: 1912-- Teddy Roosevelt (27.4%) 1924-- Robert LaFollette (16.6%) 1968-- George Wallace (13.5%) 1980-- John Anderson (6.6%) 1912-- Eugene Debs (6.0%)
Song: "Ready Teddy," by Little Richard (always nice to have a rebuttal to Pat Boone handy)
#67
Realm: Advertising
Subrealm: It's Two! Two! Two Characters In One!
Question: We know Bartles and Jaymes-- Arm and Hammer-- Johnson and Johnson-- Count Chocula and Frankenberry-- but who are Larry and Vince?
Answer: TV's crash test dummies.
Song: "I Go To Pieces," by Peter & Gordon
#68
Realm: So Close to Tonga, You Could Hit It With a Flat Rock
Subrealm: Yet Another Question About Aborigine Leaders
Question: Assuming you are not one yourself, what then is the greatest significance of "CAZIQUES"-- that is, "native chiefs of West Indian aborigines"?
Answer: It provided the highest single turn score (392) in competition Scrabble.
Song: "Pop Muzik," by M
***PAGE THIRTY-ONE***
#69
Realm: Looks at Books
Subrealm: Bigger and Better
Question: Author Richard Wright rejected a film offer for his novel "Native Son," because of what contractual condition for its sale?
Answer: All of the characters would be changed to white.
Song: "I Don't Wanna Be Called Yo Niga," by Public Enemy
#70
Realm: The Best Things in Life Are Free
Subrealm: DAVE-TV
Question: In the halycon days of the early 1980s, "The David Letterman Show" gave out special "Late Night" premiums. Name the three on-air giveaways.
Answer: The Late Night sponge; the Late Night facial blotter; the Late Night collapsible drinking cup.
Song: "I've Got So Much to Give," by Barry White
#71
Realm: Decomposing Composers
Subrealm: A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss
Question: Mick Jagger received a job offer from Trend Connections, an Australian company. However, Mick wouldn't begin working for TC until after his own death. What was the nature of the position?
Answer: They would sell small portions of his cremated ashes in eggtimers. (He turned them down.)
Song: "Out of Time," by the Rolling Stones
#72
Realm: Job Security
Subrealm: "Repo Man"
Question: In "Repo Man," our hero Otto loses his job as a supermarket aisle boy for what personal failing?
Answer: Not paying attention to the proper spacing of cans.
Song: "Let's Work Together," by Canned Heat
***PAGE THIRTY-TWO***
#73
Realm: Throat Culture
Subrealm: Waking the Neighbors
Question: In the grand tradition of making you sing at 5 AM, we want your entire team to regale one of our phone operators with the theme from "The Love Boat." And we mean your ENTIRE team!
Answer: "Love-- exciting and new. Come aboard, we're expecting you. And love-- life's sweetest reward, Let it float-- it floats back to you. The Love Boat! Soon we'll be making another run. The Love Boat! Promises something for everyone. Set a course for adventure, Your mind on a new romance. And love-- won't hurt anymore, It's an open smile on a friendly shore. It's LOVE! Welcome aboard-- it's love!"
Song: "Float On," by the Floaters
(NOTE: "Float On" replaced the original intended song, Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart.")
***FLIP TAPE #3***
#74
Realm: Great Scandinavian Sculptures of American Indians
Subrealm: What Do You Mean, SUBrealm?
Question: In Billund, Denmark, a 25-foot statue of Sitting Bull, as measured from toe to feather, is the world's largest of its type. What type?
Answer: Made out of Lego.
Song: "One Piece at a Time," by Johnny Cash
***PAGE THIRTY-THREE***
#75
Realm: The Round Mound of Dumbfounded Sound
Subrealm: I Am-- I Said
Question: In 1990, Philadelphia 76er Charles Barkley was quoted as saying that teammate Armon Gilliam was not a consistent scorer or rebounder, and that giving up a #1 pick to get Manute Bol was a bad move. An outraged Chuck B. complained that he never, ever said such things about his beloved teammates. What made his complaint even less believable than the other 900,000 athletes who cover their tracks by yelling, "Misquote!"?
Answer: The quotes came from Barkley's autobiography. (Charles later explained that he hadn't gotten around to reading it.)
Song: "Talking Loud and Saying Nothing," by James Brown
#76
Realm: Bo Jackson
Subrealm: Yeah, Yeah, I'm Hip, I'm Hip
Question: Although a hip injury has jeopardized his baseball and football careers, Bo Jackson isn't ready to know unemployment benefits just yet. In a recent ad promoting the CBS lineup, Bo hypothesized that he might be just the man to energize the network's ratings, with an all-new, all-Bo TV schedule. What three programs did Bo suggest that CBS pick up?
Answer: Murphy Bo; Designing Bo; Murder, Bo Wrote.
Song: "Who Do You Think You Are," by Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods
#77
Realm: Number Please
Subrealm: Finally, A Question You Can Count On
Question: The lowest is 1,312.4. The highest is 5,943.7. Lowest and highest WHAT?
Answer: Stardates on the original "Star Trek" series. (No, NOT the age of the people on Phasers.)
Song: "Big Log," by Robert Plant
***PAGE THIRTY-FOUR***
#78
Realm: Last of the Lukewarm Lovers
Subrealm: Steven Wright
Question: When Steven Wright had a crush on his dental hygenist, he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. What plan helped him to succeed?
Answer: While in the waiting room, he ate an entire box of Oreos.
Song: "Mister Jaws," by Dickie Goodman
#79
Realm: Another Thrilling Mini-Ultra Bonus
Subrealm: Featuring the Greatest Man of All Time, Even if He Never Met Batman
Question: Besides being vital cogs in the success of Question #79, what do the following people or items have in common: Barry Manilow, Jerusalem, Ping Pong, Michelangelo, Fu Manchu, April Fool's Day, Friday the 13th, Yankee Doodl e, Holocaust, Lucifer, Autumn Leaves, and Splat?
Answer: All are evil, annoying computer viruses.
Song: "Don't Bring Me Down," by ELO
(The Barry Manilow virus makes your PC continuously play his greatest hits!)
#80
Realm: Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
Subrealm: You Read His Answers Upside-Down
Question: In the last Trivia Contest, we were reminded of Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown's arch-adversary, the hellspawn Bugs Meany. However, other Idaville citizens were less intent on destroying the boy sleuth. For instance, Charlie Stewart. Charlie appeared in many mysteries, often centering around his incredible collection. A collection of what?
Answer: Teeth-- human and animal.
Song: "Hey Leroy, Your Mama's Calling You," by the Jimmy Castor Bunch
***PAGE THIRTY-FIVE***
#81
Realm: Nightmarish Deja Vu
Subrealm: 10th-Grade English
Question: We have the list of the Top Ten books assigned in our nation's high schools. Many of our team died in obtaining it. Honor their memories by giving us six of those books for one point-- and if you name 9 out of 10, you've notched the THREE-POINT PLAY!
Answer: Romeo & Juliet (90%); Macbeth (81%); Huckleberry Finn (78%); To Kill A Mockingbird (74%); Julius Caesar (71%); The Pearl (64%); The Scarlet Letter (62%); Of Mice and Men (60%); Lord of the Flies (56%); The Diary of Anne Frank (56%).
Song: "High School USA," by Tommy Facenda
#82
Realm: Help Wanted
Subrealm: I'm Afraid I Have No References You Can Contact
Question: In September, 1965, Charles Manson answered a newspaper classified ad. If he'd gotten the job, history would have been changed in unfathomable ways, not to mention our definition of reality. Why?
Answer: He would have been one of the Monkees. (The ad read, "MADNESS! Four insane boys wanted!")
Song: "Want Ads," by Honey Cone
#83
Realm: There's No Business Like Show Business
Subrealm: You Have To Learn How To Project
Question: One of the top performers in Japan is Jiro, whose act consists of a demonstration of "Bush-usuru." Describe his act for us Americans.
Answer: Jiro is a monkey, who sways from side to side before imitating George Bush vomiting. "Bush-usuru" means "to do a Bush."
Song: "The Girl I Knew Somewhere," by the Monkees
***PAGE THIRTY-SIX***
#84
Realm: Who Are You
Subrealm: Who, Who, Who, Who
Question: The time: Christmas Eve. The place: Mount Crumpet. That dastard, the Grinch, has just looted Whoville of its Yuletide swag, and has hauled it all up to the apex of the great mountain, to hurl it into the abyss. Suddenly, as the unmistakeable chorus of "Avu Doray, Davu Doray" reaches his Grinch ears, the Who carol literally enlarges his Grinch heart-- three sizes, in fact. But just as he is imbued with the true spirit of Christmas, the Whos' holiday booty begins to teeter over the brink. Desperately, the Grinch tries to undo his foul deed, but the laws of physics would appear to have the best of him. Until, without warning, he is blessed with a strength greater than he has ever known, which enables him to save all the Who hooters AND the roast beast. Exactly how strong does the Grinch become?
Answer: He gets the strength of ten Grinches, plus two. ("12 Grinches" is decidedly incorrect.)
Song: "Muscles," by Diana Ross
#85
Realm: Advertising
Subrealm: Obscene Advertising
Question: In 1915, what shocking, depraved word was used in printed ads for the first time?
Answer: "Underarm."
Song: "Drip Drip," by Dion
#86
Realm: Scarlett O'Hara and Pink Flamingos
Subrealm: As God is My Witness, I'll Never Eat Dog Feces Again
Question: After the bidding war on the knockoff novel "Scarlett," a "Gone with the Wind" sequel is in the bag. "The New York Times" solicited opinions on casting for this future epic. Who did director John Waters suggest for the roles of Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler?
Answer: Brigitte Nielsen and Ice-T.
(DIFFICULT QUESTION-- be lenient!)
Song: "Gonna Fly Now," by Bill Conti
(NOTE: Reportedly the song led to many, many guesses of Sylvester "Rhett" Stallone, rather than his ex-wife Nielsen.)
***PAGE THIRTY-SEVEN***
#87
Realm: More Looks at Books
Subrealm: Well, Obscure Books, Anyway
Question: What do the following novels have in common: "Tote the Weary Load"; "Milestones"; "Ba! Ba! Black Sheep"; "Jettison"; "None So Blind"; "Not in Our Stars"; and "The Bugles Sang True"?
Answer: All were working titles for "Gone with the Wind."
(All you Ice-T fans should have gotten that one.)
Song: "My Own True Love," by the Duprees (based on the "Gone with the Wind" theme)
#88
Realm: Equestrian Psychoses
Subrealm: "Young Frankenstein"
Question: Viewers of the film "Young Frankenstein" no doubt noticed the reaction to the name..... Frau Brucher! (MASS WHINNY) Besides Mel Brooks' comic invention, what possible explanation is there for the horses' reaction to the name.... to the name....... Frau Brucher! (MASS WHINNY)
Answer: "Brucher" is German for "gluemaker."
Song: "Crazy Horses," by the Osmonds
**END OF TAPE 3-- GO TO TAPE 4***
***PAGE THIRTY-EIGHT***
It's been a long night, and we've all been through a lot. Our team figures you could probably use a break now. After all, don't you feel not just physically tired, but mentally fatigued as well? You do? And SO, like the cobra, we strike! Presenting Horrible Song Quartet Number Four! Just because the sun has risen doesn't mean the quality has to follow suit.
#89
Realm: International Communication
Subrealm: Our Team Loves Strange Tongues
Question: In Italy, he says, "Che succede, amigo?" In Portugal, though, he'll say, "O que ha, velhino?" Who is he, and what does he say in America?
Answer: Bugs Bunny; "What's up, Doc?" (LITERAL TRANSLATIONS: Italian: "What happens, friend?" Portugese: "How are you, old timer?")
Song: "John Shaft," by Sammy Davis, Junior (hit #1 in North Yemen)
#90
Realm: Really Tiny Ultra Boni
Subrealm: Three Jobs They Don't Offer at the Career Center
Question: What do TV evangelism, the mid-1970s Worldwide Wrestling Federation, and the Fillmore East have in common?
Answer: Billy Graham; Superstar Billy Graham; and plain ol' Bill Graham.
Song: "Three Stars," by Tommy Dee (hit #11)
(The first and the worst of the "tribute" songs to newly-dead musicians.)
THE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET CONTINUES.......
***PAGE THIRTY-NINE***
#91
Realm: When in Rome
Subrealm: Great Public Servants
Question: It's always the bad senators with concealed daggers that give the entire institution a bad name. What was the most distinguishing feature of Roman Senator Incitatus' benevolent leadership?
Answer: He was a horse.
Song: "Desiderata," by Les Crane (hit #8)
(Tim Swankey points out that he always voted "neigh.")
#92
Realm: Movies
Subrealm: Movies That Make You Want to Claw Your Own Eyeballs Out
Question: In David Cronenberg's film adaptation of "Naked Lunch," how does Peter Weller prove to the Annexian border guards that he is, in fact, a professional writer?
Answer: He holds up a pen and says, "See..... I have a writing implement."
Song: "Open Letter to My Teenage Son," by Victor Lundberg (hit #10)
Surely, no one could be so callous, so vicious, so iredeemably DEMENTED, that they could even CONSIDER a FIFTH Horrible Song Quartet in the short time left. After all, time constraints and decency both are united in opposing such a sick notion. And so, that HAD to be the bloody end at long last, right? (pause) No fair telling.
(NOTE: Coming as it did at literally 8:05 AM or so, the ominous threats above were never more empty. (8:05? Well, the contest ran a smidgen long because Phasers' main DJ really wanted to get to Question #93. And since the whole contest was five weeks late anyway, after the infamous nor'easter, he figured five weeks and nine minutes made no difference.))
***PAGE FORTY***
#93
Realm: Sing.....Sing a Song
Subrealm: We're Just Gluttons for Punishment
Question: We felt that your soulful renditions of the "Love Boat" theme were so richly textured and vocally marvelous, we demand an encore! As we hold our lighters over our heads, and suck deeply from our bongs, please assemble your entire team to sing the haunting love theme from the Mounds/Almond Joy TV commercials.
Answer: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't Al--mond Joy's got nuts..... Mounds don't. Almond Joy's got rich (real) milk chocolate, coconut and crunchy (munchy) nuts too; Mounds got deep down chocolate, and chewy coconut.... ooooh. BE--cauuuuuuusssse..... Sometimes you feel like a--BWEEP! Sometimes you--HONK!"
Song: "I Want Candy," by the Strangeloves
(ATTENTION PHONE PEOPLE-- Since subtle variations of these lyrics are used in different ads (see above), accept anything that is fundamentally correct.)
(NOTE: Question #93 was the last question read on-air.)
#94
Realm: Great Philosophers
Subrealm: Great Philosophers with Yellow Skin and Eight Fingers
Question: In a tender father-son moment, Homer Simpson imparts the three secrets of life to his young charge Bartholomew. What are they?
Answer: "Cover me," "It was like that when I got here," "Oooh! Good idea, boss!"
Song: "Nee Nee Na Na Nu Nu," by Dicky Do & the Don'ts
#95
Realm: "People" Magazine Cover Boys
Subrealm: Besides Jeffrey Dahmer
Question: Nine studly dudes have appeared on the cover of "People" magazine next to those four testosterone-tinged words, "THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE." Without dealing with the logistical problem of having nine living Sexiest Men Alive, name six for 1 point, and all 9 for the THREE-POINT PLAY.
Answer: Sean Connery; Kevin Costner; Tom Cruise; Mel Gibson; Harry Hamlin; Mark Harmon; Jay Leno (joke headline); Nick Nolte; Patrick Swayze.
Song: "In the Mood," by the Henhouse Five Plus Too
***PAGE FORTY-ONE***
#96
Realm: Darkness on the Edge of Fanboyism
Subrealm: Born to Run Dry
Question: Some lunatic actually went through every word of every Bruce Springsteen lyric, and came up with the three most common nouns in the Boss' ouvre. But his madness is your gain-- name those three nouns.
Answer: #1-- "NIGHT"; #2-- "GIRL"; #3-- "STREET."
Song: "Bedrock Rap," by Bruce Springstone (contains all 3 words)
#97
Realm: Science Marches On
Subrealm: "Calvin & Hobbes"
Question: In "Calvin & Hobbes," Dad's scientific explanations aren't always the soundest. When Calvin asks why old photographs are in black-and-white, Dad helpfully explains that there WAS color film back then--- rather, it was the world itself that was in black-and-white. Therefore, what appear to be old monochrome memories are actually color photos of a black-and-white world. Things cleared up, of course, when the world changed from black-and-white to color, back in the 1930's. So far, so good. Calvin next asks Dad how come all the classic paintings that predate the 30's are in color. If the world was black-and-white, wouldn't the great masters have painted it the same way? How does Dad explain this seeming contradiction in his otherwise flawless argument?
Answer: "Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane."
Song: "Nut Rocker," by B. Bumble and the Stingers
***PAGE FORTY-TWO***
#98
Realm: In Your Face
Subrealm: ESPN
Question: Chris Berman's shtick on ESPN's "Sportscenter" includes concocting peculiar nicknames for baseball players. What are the Bermanizations for the following players: California's Bert Blyleven; San Diego's Jim DeShaies; and Oakland's Lance Blankenship?
Answer: Bert (Be Home) Blyleven; Jim (Two Silhouettes on) DeShaies; Lance (You Sunk My) Blankenship.
Song: "Silohouettes," by the Rays
#99
Realm: The Great Masters
Subrealm: It Ain't Just Paint
Question: About 440 years ago, the Italian painter Bronzini produced the classic "Venus, Cupid, Folly & Time." It is one of the masterpieces of the Mannerist school. The figures crowd the space, blocking the front plane, the contours of the figures are strong and sculptural, and the surfaces have an almost enamel smoothness. Of special interest are the heads, hands, and feet, for as every schoolchild knows, the Mannerists considered the extremities to be the carriers of grace, and the clever depiction of same to be the highest evidence of artistic skill. So-- what does this have to do with Monty Python's Flying Circus?
Answer: The source of the foot that comes crashing down during the credits.
Song: "Stomp!" by the Brothers Johnson
***PAGE FORTY-THREE***
#100
Realm: A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy
Subrealm: Amherst
Question: May, 1987-- a happy, carefree time. But as lazy Williams students idled through the "We Begin Bombing in Five Minutes" contest, 4,160 Amherstians were equally active, setting a recognized world's record. What?
Answer: The biggest mass game of Twister.
Song: "Twistin' Matilda," by Jimmy Soul
#101
Realm: Three Little Letters
Subrealm: Definitely Not the Recall Code in "Dr. Strangelove"
Question: Where would you be most likely to find the letters "YKK"?
Answer: On any zipper-- go ahead and check each other, if you like.
Song: "Don't Stand So Close To Me," by the Police
#102
Realm: Imagine There's No Fact-Based Shlock-u-Dramas
Subrealm: It's Easy If You Try
Question: Sadly, an anxious world had to wait even longer than originally planned to see that made-for-TV masterpiece, "John & Yoko: A Love Story." The reason for the delay was that the actor portraying John Lennon had to be replaced suddenly, when an incident from his past became public knowledge--- what?
Answer: He'd had his name legally changed FROM "Mark Chapman"-- a truly unfortunate coincidence.
Song: "Who Can It Be Now?" by Men at Work
***FLIP TAPE #4***
***PAGE FORTY-FOUR***
#103
Realm: Do You Pop Out at Parties?
Subrealm: Are You Un-Poop-ular?
Question: Bon vivant and raconteur Gilbert Gottfried claims that he met Jackie Onassis at a fancy party, but that they didn't have much in common. In an effort to make small talk, what question does Gilbert say he asked her?
Answer: "Where were you when Kennedy got shot?"
Song: "Jackie Blue," by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils
#104
Realm: Musical Newcomers
Subrealm: A Prodigy of His Environment
Question: Taro Hart holds the distinction of being the youngest recording artist ever. Describe the circumstances that surrounded his first musical effort.
Answer: The son of Grateful Dead dummer Mickey Hart, his heartbeat was recorded through a fetal pulse monitor while in utero, and used as the backbeat for Mickey's "Music To Be Born By" album.
Song: "Heartbeat-- It's a Lovebeat," by the DeFranco Family
#105
Realm: Clapton is God
Subrealm: Except God Never Sold "Ave Maria" to Proctor & Gamble
Question: After Michelob used Eric Clapton's "After Midnight" song in an ad campaign in 1987, where was the guitar god when he first saw the results on TV?
Answer: In the rec room of an alcohol treatment clinic.
Song: "Guitar Man," by Bread (the rumor that it's actually Clapton wailing out on those kickass axe solos is unconfirmed)
***PAGE FORTY-FIVE***
#106
Realm: Five People Who Have Never Been in Cliff Clavin's Kitchen
Subrealm: Five People Bill Tullick Will Smoke or Drink
Question: Besides having played left wing for the Quebec Nordiques, what do Richard Nixon, Charles Manson, Patty Hearst, Malcolm X, and Leon Klinghofer have in common?
Answer: Each is the subject of an opera.
Song: "I Hear a Symphony," by the Supremes
#107
Realm: Ho, Ho
Subrealm: Ho
Question: Of the 10 most popular Christmas carols, only one was written in the past 25 years. Which tune?
Answer: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."
Song: "Trampled Under Foot," by Led Zeppelin
(NOTE: "Most popular" being defined by radio airplay; you're still rather unlikely to hear the Elmo & Patsy classic being played in Vatican City during Midnight Mass.)
#108
Realm: People Named Woody
Subrealm: That Are Happily Married
Question: On "Cheers," Woody has said that there is one thing that his mother has always wanted to be. What is it?
Answer: A drummer in a power trio.
Song: "Travellin' Band," by Creedence Clearwater Revival
#109
Realm: The Origin of Specious Reasoning
Subrealm: You Say You Want an Evolution
Question: At the end of "Diner," we hear a conversation between the guys. One of them disputes the validity of the theory of evolution, saying that people just do NOT come from swamps. Where, then, DO people come from?
Answer: Europe.
Song: "A Change is A-Gonna Come," by Sam Cooke
**PAGE FORTY-SIX***
#110
Realm: You Better You Better You Bet
Subrealm: Louie DePalma
Question: In one episode of "Taxi," Louie gleefully relates the story of a fare who led him into three bets-- a kid en route to boading school. Louie loses the first two bets, before winning the third, along with the kid's money for the year. What are the three bets?
Answer: That the kid can't say all 50 states in five seconds (he says "all 50 states"); that the kid can't tell him that night's Knicks-Celtics score before the game even starts (it's "0-0"); and a breath-holding contest, which Louie wins by pretending to pass out, getting the kid to yell in alarm.
Song: "Go Down Gamblin'," by Blood Sweat & Tears
#111
Realm: Size Isn't Everything
Subrealm: It's Circulation That Matters
Question: "Reader's Digest," the miniaturized magazine, has the smallest one in the country. Smallest what?
Answer: Zip code (00401).
Song: "Zip Zip," by the Diamonds
#112
Realm: Information Please
Subrealm: Great Pythagorean Cover-Ups
Question: In 500 BC, the Pythagoreans discovered a piece of information that was so terrible, and liable to cause riots, that they assigned it top classification. In fact, revealing this information to the public was punishable by death. What was it?
Answer: That the square root of 2 is an irrational number.
Song: "Count on Me," by Jefferson Starship
Bye bye.
(NOTE: The following occupied the back page of the contest used by Phasers:TNG. The items below refer to all manner of things, from themes or content to stray remarks or implications to visual imagery used on the original pages. The original page numbers have been included with the questions above, so that you may use this index to locate what is being referred to, if you like. There are no red herrings below; each item does in fact refer to something concrete, however pointless.)
Aborigines, 30 Academy Awards, thievery of, 26 Alcoholism, hilarity of, 25 "Annie," posthypnotic recall, 25 Archimedes, 3 Barbarian, Conan the, 18 Benson, Ted, willingness to injure, 3 Bol, Manute, 33 Boys, Beastie, 25 Bradley, Milton, 22 Bucket, as unit of measurement, 4 Bundy, Al, 18 Bundy, King Kong, 18 Bundy, Ted, 18 Buttocks, 9 Cans, improper spacing of, 31 Carp, 11 Chocula, Count, 30 Commie pinkos, godlessness of, 7, 21 Couch, as hiding place, 21; as tool for casting roles, 36-37 Cow, 17 Crusader, Caped, 26 Debs, Eugene, 30 Disease, that of serpents, 4; as spelling problem, 17; of Lou Gehrig, 29 Dumpty, Humpty, 23 Ears, gross abuse of, 8, 18, 28, 38; circular and black, 15; gravel in, 18; belonging to Ross Perot, 30; Grinch, 36 Ethnic differences, xenophobic mockery of, 3, 6, 7, 16, 19, 20, 35, 38 Etymology, unprovable, 28 Feces, dog, 36 Flav, Flavor, 31 Fruit Bat, Jinky the, 29, 30 Gibbon loins, the nudity of, 2 Glassblowing, 8 Golf, as a prelude to sexual intercourse, 24 Gravas, Latka, 8 "Gulliver's Travels," as source for adjective, 1 Ho, Don, 26 Ho, Ho Ho, 45 Holocaust, humorous wisecracks about, 16 Horses, frenzied status of, 37; political ascension of, 39 Human flesh, importance to diet of, 10, 14 Idiot savants, 3 Infants, unconstitutionality of, 13; musical accomplishments of, 44 Jazz greats, murdered by Williams, 20 Jet-propelled roller skates, 17 Jews, the secret rituals of, 17, 20 Jordan, Michael, the tongue of, 24 Kirk, James T., the gut of, 5 Knee bone, ankle connected to, 6 Kong, King, 27 Kryptonian powers, the loss of, 3 Legs, the absence of, 9; vitamins for, 17; as food, 14; stepping on man's head, 28 Love, as force for good, 23; for Jinky the Fruit Bat, 29; exciting and new, 32; obtained through use of cookies, 34 Manchu, Fu, 34 Manson, Charles, 35, 45 Meany, Bugs, 34 Mental health, the fragility of, 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12, 14, 15, 19, 21, 23, 24, 25, 26, 29, 35, 37, 41, 43 Minstrels, New Christy, 1; the racist depiction of, 31 Mush, 22 Narcolepsy, caused by trivia, 1-46 Nether world, mystic power of, 12 Nudity, as strategy for Action Trivia success, 3; misleading suggestion of, 8; taxation of, 19; for purposes of elective surgery, 20; posthypnotic inducement of, 25; see Gibbon Loins Ono, Yoko, 43 Orgasm, interference with, 9; the moment of, 13; as economic unit, 19; inside golf course windmill, 24 Physics, Grinch's ability to ignore, 36 Piper, "Rowdy" Roddy, divinity of, 11 Porridge, theft of, 16 Reprobates, 2 Sideshow Bob, 12 Space alien, political activity of, 10 "Superstar," as R&B hit, 12; as wrestling nom de mat, 38 T, Ice, 37 Teeth, extraction of, 7; decay of, 34; jar of, 34 Thatcher, Margaret, physical abuse of, 22 "Tic Tac Dough," 19 Toes, the tapping of, 2 Tonga, 7, 16, 30, etc. Ultimate shame, humiliating moments of, 3 Unorthodox economic revenge, 24 Urine, the destructive powers of, 27 Vise, disturbing illustration of, 8 Vomit, the entertainment value of, 35 Wheezing, 3 Yakutsky, 23 Yeah, the gratuitous inclusion of, 22 Zeppelin, Led, 13, 45