WHAT HO! BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS! AND SO THE MADNESS BEGINS ANEW.....
#1
Realm: Are You Ready To Rum-m-m-m-mble?
Subrealm: You'll Need All Your Primitive Skills For This One
Question: Your head is square, your front teeth have never been formally introduced, your voice is that of the Bee Gee brother they kept locked up under thestairs. No, there can be no doubt-- you are Mike Tyson. Across the ring from you is alternate heavyweight champ Michael Spinks. It is generally agreed that he is the only man capable of defeating you. He has never lost. You have never lost. The bell clangs. 91 seconds later, you're standing over your latest hapless pile of meat. Spinks managed to hit you twice before sucking canvas. With 21 million dollars in your pocket-- that's 10.5 mil for each punch you took-- you go to meet the media. They ask you what your impressions were of your victory. What, dear Michael, do you say?
Answer: "How dare they challenge me (us) with their primitive skills?"
Song: "Mama Said Knock You Out," by LL Cool J
#2
Realm: P. h. Duh
Subrealm: Mike Tyson, Scholar
Question: A few years back, Ohio's Central State University gave a doctorate in humane letters to that most erudite of candidates, Mike Tyson. And Doctor Mike lost no time in commencing his studies. In his public acceptance speech, what did Tyson say he hoped that his new doctorate would do for him personally?
Answer: "I don't know what kind of doctor this makes me-- but looking out at all the fine sisters in the audience, I hope it's a gynecologist!" (EXACT WORDING NOT NECESSARY)
Song: "I'm On The Outside Looking In," by Little Anthony & The Imperials
#3: REALM: Naked Babes on the Half-Shell
Subrealm: Mike Tyson, Connoisseur
Question: When Mike Tyson visited the very heart of the Renaissance-- Florence, Italy-- he was stunned by the famed Botticelli painting, "The Birth Of Venus." What was Tyson's immediate reaction to the masterpiece?
Answer: He attempted to buy it.
Song: "Nice To Be With You," by Gallery
#4
Realm: Rock The Vote
Subrealm: Bang On The Drum All Day
Question: In the 1975 Playboy Music Poll's voting for Best Rock Drummer, Led Zeppelin's John "Bonzo" Bonham came in second. What madman of the skins beat him out for the honor?
Answer: Karen Carpenter.
Song: "Hungry," by Paul Revere & the Raiders
#5
Realm: Spending Dough
Subrealm: Spending-- DOH!
Question: According to Homer Simpson, which President is on the 10,000-dollar bill?
Answer: All of them.
Song: "Gimme Some Money," by the Thamesmen (Spinal Tap is NOT correct)
#6
Realm: Art For Art's Sake
Subrealm: God Is In The Details
Question: William Turner's brilliant rococo design features 12 four-petaled flowers, 12 arcs and dots, 90 radial ticks, and assorted curlicues. Where can we all enjoy Turner's detailed work?
Answer: On any Oreo cookie.
Song: "Black & White," by Three Dog Night
#7
Realm: Aquatic Mammals and Crude Slang
Subrealm: With Owls
Question: What do the following have in common-- Watery Fowls, Flay Otters, Fatty Owls, and Flowery Twats?
Answer: All appear scrambled on the sign that should read "Fawlty Towers."
Song: "Suddenly, Last Summer," by the Motels
#8
Realm: I.O.U. One Realm
Subrealm: Finally, A Question Of Interest
Question: Although James Swan ended up in a debtor's prison, the Swanster had seen better days. In fact, in 1795, he paid an outstanding debt of over 2 million dollars. What was that debt?
Answer: The U.S. National Debt.
Song: "This Little Girl," by Gary "U.S." Bonds
#9
Realm: Initial Appearances
Subrealm: The Secret of Acronym
Question: The letters in ESPN stand for "Entertainment & Sports Programming Network." But other networks don't include their networkhood, or else we'd be watching CBSN, MTVN, and CNNN. And in fact, the channel was originally supposed to be just the ESP Network. Why was the name change made official?
Answer: That's the way the stationery came back from the printer's.
Song: "Pretty Paper," by Roy Orbison
#10
Realm: It May Be Just Question Number Ten
Subrealm: But This One Goes To Eleven
Question: On August 26, 1993, Voters For Choice held a benefit concert to commemorate the 70th anniversary of women's suffrage and to support women's rights. Among the performers were Melissa Etheridge, Shawn Colvin, Ann & Nancy Wilson of Heart-- and Spinal Tap. When the enlightened authors of "Big Bottom" and "Sex Farm" were asked why they felt the urge to appear in support of feminist issues, what was their answer?
Answer: "We heard that women might be there."
Song: "College Girls," by Jesse Jaymes
#11
Realm: (remain silent)
Subrealm: (remain silent)
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! The surest way to win an Oscar is to be a woman playing a character who speaks no words. The streak is now 4 nominations, 4 wins. Name the silent actresses and their films. Any two are worth 1 point, or name all four for the THREE-POINT PLAY.
Answer: Jane Wyman-- "Johnny Belinda" (1948), Patty Duke-- "The Miracle Worker" (1962), Marlee Matlin-- "Children Of A Lesser God" (1986), Holly Hunter-- "The Piano" (1994)
Song: "We Don't Talk Anymore," by Cliff Richard
#12
Realm: This Question Stays Crunchy in Milk
Subrealm: And Is Part Of This Balanced Contest
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! Based on market share percentages, we have the list of America's 10 favorite breakfast cereals. Name any seven for 1 point, or all ten for this delicious THREE-POINT PLAY.
Answer: Frosted Flakes (4.2%); Cheerios (4.0%); Frosted Mini-Wheats (3.1%); Honey Nut Cheerios (3.1%); Rice Krispies (2.9%); Kellogg's Corn Flakes (2.8%); Raisin Bran (2.8%); Kix (2.3%); Froot Loops (2.3%); Post Grape Nuts (2.1%)
Song: "Breakfast In America," by Supertramp
#13
Realm: Non-Famous Firsts
Subrealm: Lie Fiercely, Harvard
Question: The very first American college was founded in Rhode Island, in the year 1619. That happens to be a full 17 years before Harvard. This being the case, how can Harvard go around saying they're the oldest U.S. university without fear of contradiction?
Answer: Because the entire student body was massacred by Indians.
Song: "School's Out" by Alice Cooper
#14
Realm: Crimes Against Humanity
Subrealm: The Horror, The Horror
Question: For what incredibly vile act shall Sheryl Leach burn in eternal torment?
Answer: She created Barney the Dinosaur
Song: "The Purple People Eater" by Sheb Wooley
#15
Realm: Love, German Style
Subrealm: Very, Very Unsafe Sex
Question: We all have our individual sexual quirks and peccadillos-- well, you do, anyway. But surely, the erotic obsession of one Sylvestre Matuschka was unique. Herr Matuschka apparently could only achieve orgasm via a highly unusual means. What was it?
Answer: By dynamiting train tracks while masturbating. (They caught him after the 3rd wreck.)
Song: "It Don't Come Easy," by Ringo Starr
#16
Realm: The Wide World of Inter-Species Sports
Subrealm: Don't Make A Wrong Turn At Alberquerque
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! In all the history of this earth, the most primal of struggles is that between rabbit and turtle. Bugs Bunny raced Cecil Turtle not once, not twice, not 46 times, but THREE times! What was Bugs' overall record in these races, and how was the outcome determined in each? Describe any of the finishes for 1 point, or all three end results for the 3-POINT PLAY.
Answer: Bugs' Overall Record: 1-2
RACE ONE: Cecil tricks Bugs with 9 identical turtle cousins, planted all along the race course. BUGS LOSES.
RACE TWO: The race attracts the notice of "the syndicate." They attack Bugs while he's disguised as the turtle, unwittingly allowing Cecil to chug home. BUGS LOSES.
RACE THREE: Using a supersonic turtle shell (and a little strag-ety), BUGS WINS! However, he is then arrested for breaking the speed limit.
Song: "I Ran (So Far Away)," by A Flock of Seagulls
#17
Realm: Urban Renewal
Subrealm: Not Exactly What We'd Call Street Smarts
Question: What are being removed from the streets of Longmont, Colorado-- and why?
Answer: "DEAD END" signs; some residents have complained that they remind them of death.
Song: "Let's Think About Livin'," by Bob Luman
#18
Realm: Classic Literature
Subrealm: Non-Productivity in the Workplace
Question: What famous book got its name from a filing cabinet?
Answer: "The Wizard of Oz" (L. Frank Baum saw one that read, "O-Z")
Song: "Hold The Line," by Toto
#19
Realm: The World According To Vanna
Subrealm: As Easy As A-B-D
Question: According to Vanna White, why is her "Wheel of Fortune" job much more difficult than people seem to think?
Answer: "I have to know all the letters."
Song: "Turn, Turn, Turn," by the Byrds
#20
Realm: The World According To Vanna, Part 2
Subrealm: Can You Spell I.Q.?
Question: Since Vanna knows all the letters, we'll take the opinion of a pro. What is Vanna White's favorite vowel?
Answer: "The one between 'A' and 'E'."
Song: "Don't You Forget About Me," by Simple Minds
OH NO! IT'S THE EVENING'S FIRST HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET!
#21
Realm: Kooky TV Around The Globe
Subrealm: In Japan, Scooby-Doo Is Considered A Genius
Question: One of the most popular children's TV shows in Japan is called Ugo Ugo Ruga, and features the amazing Dr. Puri Puri, who dispenses weird sayings and advice. What is somewhat unusual about the character of Dr. Puri Puri?
Answer: Dr. Puri Puri (Dr. Stinky) is a talking piece of excrement who pops up from a toilet bowl.
Song: "My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames
(NOTE: Oh, crap! The show's title is actually "UgoUgoLhuga.")
#22
Realm: The Wide World Of Sports Firsts
Subrealm: Notable Debuts
Question: The 1960 Orange Bowl featured the very first appearance of which tremendous, all-time sports legend?
Answer: The Goodyear Blimp.
Song: "It Was A Very Good Year," by William Shatner
THE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET #1 IS ONLY HALF OVER.....
#23
Realm: Space
Subrealm: The Final Frontier
Question: Until recent carefulness, math troubles plagued Star Trek stardates-- for starters, they cover 12 years' worth of a 5-year mission. So, Trekkie Bjo Trimble was chosen to provide official explanations, however lame. When 3 full episodes take place in 2 stardates, Bjo offers the feeble excuse that "warp drive distorts time." This totally ignores physics, but what the heck! However, no revisionism can adequately explain the episode "Spock's Brain," which begins on 5431.4, but is suddenly 4351.5 by mid-show. How does Trimble account for this discrepancy?
Answer: "The horror of having Spock's brain stolen does strange things to his friends' minds."
Song: "Watchin' Scotty Grow," by Bobby Goldsboro
#24
Realm: Steel Wheelchairs
Subrealm: Get Off Of My Shroud
Question: "Brown Sugar" topped the American charts in mid-1971, the Stones' 19th Top 40 hit. At the same time, what important event took place in the personal life of bassist Bill Wyman?
Answer: His wife was born.
Song: "The Men In My Little Girl's Life," by Mike Douglas
THAT MARKS THE END (THANK GOD) OF THE FIRST HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET.
UH OH.... THE "FIRST"?
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#25
Realm: Great Broadway Musicals
Subrealm: Springtime For Hitler
Question: Please get in touch with the sloppy Jew within, and give us Mel Brooks' only lines of dialogue from The Producers.
Answer: "Don't be shtupid/ Be a shmarty/ Come and join the Nazi Party!"
Song: "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones
#26
Realm: Eat Me
Subrealm: Um-- That's Just An Expression, Honey
Question: Consider the banana slug. After an act of love between 2 consenting slugs, male and female slug alike join together to chew the male's penis off. (And you thought braces made you nervous.) Why do boy banana slugs not only endure this ritual, but help out?
Answer: Their penises are so enormous that it's easier to regenerate a new one than to withdraw the old one.
Song: "A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You" by the Monkees
#27
Realm: The Wide World of Weird Sports
Subrealm: No Girly Men Allowed
Question: Forget those rubbery, pretty-boy wimps in boxing or hockey! The only real sport for manly men is Florentine Football, which has 1 ball, 2 goals, and just 1 rule. What is that rule?
Answer: "You cannot kick an unconscious opponent."
Song: "Trampled Under Foot," by Led Zeppelin
#28
Realm: The Wide World of Weird Sports, Part 2
Subrealm: Air Tse-Tung
Question: Speaking of real sports, how about the Chinese game oglar tatish? For those of you who haven't oglarred lately, it's very much like American basketball, with two major rule changes. What are they?
Answer: It's played on horseback and a dead sheep is used instead of a ball
Song: "Wooly Bully," by Sam the Sham & the Pharoahs
#29
Realm: Great Musical Players
Subrealm: I Love A Gershwin Tune, How About You?
Question: One of composer George Gershwin's most lush and romantic tunes was never officially published. Why not?
Answer: Gershwin saved it, so he could tell dozens of women that he'd written the song just for them.
Song: "You're The Inspiration," by Chicago
#30
Realm: On-Line Outing
Subrealm: Why Do You Think They Call 'Em "Funny" Pages?
Question: If you're up playing trivia at 3 AM, surely you know the embarrassment of riches that awaits the on-line individual. However, there is one Usenet discussion group whose arcane purpose is exclusively devoted to an ongoing debate about whether or not these two cartoon characters are actually gay lovers. Name these two lovebirds-- or are they?
Answer: Peppermint Patty and Marcie.
Song: "To Sir With Love," by Lulu
#31
Realm: Great Moments In Empathy
Subrealm: I Have a McDream
Question: During Black History Month, McDonald's showed their deep sensitivity and solidarity by using what subtly-altered civil rights phrase as its 99-cent special slogan?
Answer: "Keep Your Eyes On The Fries."
Song: "Black is Black," by Los Bravos
#32
Realm: Seats of Power
Subrealm: The French They Are A Funny Race
Question: What is the significance of the seating arrangements of the French National Assembly of 1789?
Answer: Nobles sat to the President's right, while the 3rd Estate sat to the left. Their respective politics soon gave us the political terminology, "right" and "left."
Song: "I'm Too Sexy," by Right Said Fred
#33
Realm: The Wide World of Amateur Sports
Subrealm: It's Lonely Going Over The Top
Question: On June 13, 1992, Russia's Sergei Bubka broke Finland's Paavo Nurmi's all-time world record for what?
Answer: Breaking world records. (Bubka's 30 pole-vaulting records topped Nurmi's 29 distance running marks.)
Song: "Number One," by the Rutles
#34
Realm: Do We Know You?
Subrealm: I Want My MTV
Question: One of the most visible stars in MTV history is the immortal Heather De Loach. This raises the question-- who?
Answer: She's the tap-dancing Bee Girl in the Blind Melon "No Rain" video.
Song: "Nut Rocker" by B. Bumble & the Stingers
#35
Realm: Little-Known Literary Lore
Subrealm: First Folios and Third Reichs
Question: According to Nazi scholars, the great German playwright Wilhelm Shakespeare is perhaps the greatest of all Teutonic authors. What two factors did they feel were most responsible for his being mistaken for a giant of English Lit?
Answer: He was accidentally born in England. He was forced by authorities to write in English.
Song: "(Just Like) Romeo & Juliet," by the Reflections
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#36
Realm: Williamsiana
Subrealm: And Mighty Tasty Williamsiana At That
Question: Only the highest of the high in show business receive the ultimate honor that can be bestowed upon a celebrity-- their very own sandwich at Papa Charlie's. And yet, only one of those so honored have reciprocated with a signed photograph. Who?
Answer: Dr. Strangepork (Piiigs Iiiinnn Spaaace)
Song: "I'm A Hog For You, Baby," by the Coasters
#37
Realm: Around The World
Subrealm: Geography For Anal-Retentives
Question: If we take every city in the world with at least 300,000 residents, and list them alphabetically, which city will be first on the list, and which city will be last?
Answer: Aberdeen, Scotland; Zurich, Switzerland
Song: "Town Without Pity" by Gene Pitney
#38
Realm: Weird Stuff That Happened A Long Time Ago
Subrealm: When in Rome
Question: What is the collective term for ancient Roman deities worshipped at crossroads?
Answer: "Trivia."
Song: "Right Here, Right Now," by Jesus Jones
#39
Realm: Mapmaker, Mapmaker
Subrealm: Bigger And Better
Question: What nation more than doubled its size on March 10, 1983?
Answer: The United States. (Reagan issued a statement claiming sovereignty over the oceans for 200 nautical miles in every direction.)
Song: "In a Big Country," by Big Country
#40
Realm: Future Shock
Subrealm: Conan The Comedian
Question: The Conan O'Brien show does a feature they call "In The Year 2000," which reveals the incredible changes our culture will have undergone by that far, far-away date. One example-- in the year 2000, the everyday phrase indicating smell, "P.U.", will be replaced by the phrase, "W.X." The bathroom product now known as 2000 Flushes will also change its name-- to what?
Answer: A Flush A Year Since Christ Was Born.
Song: "In The Year 2525," by Zager & Evans
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#41
Realm: Williams Trivia Trivia
Subrealm: Short Songs, Long Memories
Question: The otherwise brilliant trivia contest by The Purpose of the Military featured a question which asked teams to name the longest and shortest songs ever to hit #1 on the Billboard charts. However, since that contest, one of the songs has been usurped by a different song. And as for their other song-- well, guess what-- that one was always wrong! So, take it from a team that knows. Our question is simply this: Name the longest and shortest songs ever to hit #1 on the Billboard charts.
Answer: THE LONGEST: "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" by Meatloaf, THE SHORTEST: "Stay" by Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs (a full 13 seconds shorter than any other #1 song in history, no matter what certain trivia teams have claimed in the past)
Song: "Couldn't Get It Right," by the Climax Blues Band
#42
Realm: Secret Messages
Subrealm: Lick It Good
Question: United States postal regulations prohibit any kind of hidden images or text on stamps. This rule has been waived only once. Why?
Answer: The stamps were designed by Al Hirschfeld, who was allowed to include NINAs.
Song: "99 Luftballons," by Nena ("99 Red Balloons" acceptable)
#43
Realm: From The Big House To The Penthouse
Subrealm: Top O'The World, Ma!
Question: After a prisoner managed to climb on top of the roof of Boston's Deer Island Jail, he refused to come down until prison officials told him some important information. What?
Answer: The names of all 6 Brady Bunch children.
Song: "Up The Ladder To The Roof," by the Supremes
#44
Realm: The Wide World of Sports That Involve Midget Clowns
Subrealm: Professional Wrestling
Question: Very few men can stand up and shout to the world, "By jingo, I was WWF Heavyweight Wrestling Champion!" (Well, actually, anybody can if they want,but only 14 are being honest about it.) Bruno Sammartino was the very last W-WWF champ, because they shortened the name to just WWF. So after Bruno, name 8 of the last 14 champs for 1 point, or 12 of the 14 for both points! That's right-- THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! (And too bad, but multiple championships only count once.)
Answer: "Superstar" Billy Graham; Bob Backlund; The Iron Shiek; Hulk Hogan; Andre The Giant; The Million Dollar Man--Ted DiBiase; Randy "Macho Man" Savage; The Ultimate Warrior; Sgt. Slaughter; The Undertaker; "Nature Boy" Ric Flair; Bret "Hit Man" Hart; Yokozuna; Diesel.
Song: "Macho Man," by the Village People (This would be a good spot to point out that Roddy Piper is God.)
#45
Realm: 1,000 Grunting Japanese Men
Subrealm: What, You Need a Subrealm?
Question: If you are listening to the soothing sounds of a grinding cheese grater, combined with 1,000 grunting Japanese men stomping on a wooden floor, what, pray tell, are you listening to?
Answer: The theme for NYPD Blue
Song: "Blue Moon," by the Marcels/ Caruso
#46
Realm: Young Clintons In Love
Subrealm: I'll Feel Your Pain If You'll Feel Mine
Question: Hillary Rodham says she was first attracted to the young studmuffin William J. Clinton when she overheard him at the Yale Law Library bragging about the huge size of-- what?
Answer: Arkansas watermelons
Song: "Me & Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul
#47
Realm: Questions, Identical Questions
Subrealm: Questions, Identical Questions
Question: When SCTV was looking to fill those pesky holes on its schedule, it turned to the old Patty Duke Show for inspiration. You know, the one about "Cousins....identical cousins..." Three SCTV series were advertised, each one using the "identical" theme. Name them.
Answer: Identical Bellhops; Identical Cheese Hostesses; Identical OPEC Oil Ministers
Song: "Hold Me Now," by the Thompson Twins
#48
Realm: Comics That Make "Ziggy" Look Entertaining
Subrealm: Hope You've Been In A Dentist's Office Lately
Question: What are the two comic strips that continue to appear in each and every exciting issue of Highlights for Children?
Answer: "Goofus & Gallant"; "The Timbertoes"
Song: "Nee Nee Na Na Na Na Nu Nu," by Dicky Doo & the Don'ts
#49
Realm: Post-Modern Rock
Subrealm: Sorry, But Subrealms Are Just So 1993
Question: When the group Roxette hit #1 with their song, "Listen To Your Heart," it marked the end of an era. Explain why.
Answer: It was the first #1 song not available on vinyl.
Song: "Overnight Sensation (Hit Record)," by the Raspberries
#50
Realm: Questions You Haven't Heard Before
Subrealm: NOT!
According to David Letterman, the movie Wayne's World earned even more money than what?
Answer: The gross national product of Tonga.
Song: "Deja Vu," by Dionne Warwicke.
YE GODS! IT'S THE SECOND HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET!
#51
Realm: Spunk Rock
Subrealm: God Save The Cream
Question: During the heyday of punk rock, Sex Pistol Steve Jones once ejaculated into fellow Pistol Glen Matlock's sandwich, and watched him eat the whole thing before telling him. However, this was not a pointless attack without a valid motive. According to ex-Pistol Johnny Rotten, why did Matlock deserve this anarchy in his B.L.T.?
Answer: "He liked the Beatles."
Song: "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I've Got Love In My Tummy," by Ohio Express
#52
Realm: Space
Subrealm: The Truly Final Frontier
We still recall the very first words spoken on the moon's surface-- Buzz
Aldrin's "The eagle has landed." However, a couple of years later, Eugene A.
Cernan had the slightly less prestigious honor of uttering what are so far
the last words ever spoken on the moon. What are they?
Answer: "Let's get this mother out of here."
Song: "We Gotta Get Out Of This Place," by the Partridge Family
YOU'RE HALFWAY HOME TO MAKING IT THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET!
#53
Realm: Unusual Modes of Transportation
Subrealm: The Whirlydog
Question: Woodstock may have a little difficulty flying in a straight line, but put him behind the controls of a whirlydog, and he's a top gun. According to an episode of the comic strip "Peanuts", exactly where did Woodstock learn to pilot a whirlydog?
Answer: "In 'Nam." (Charlie Brown Don't Surf!)
Song: "The Battle Hymn of Lt. Calley," by C Company (feat. Terry Nelson) (Lt. Calley supervised the mass killing of citizens at My Lai.)
#54
Realm: You're Gonna Make It After All
Subrealm: Under The Following Conditions
Question: The creators of The Mary Tyler Moore Show originally planned to make Mary Richards a divorcee-- but the network said absolutely not. Why did NBC insist on making Mary an icon for single women everywhere?
Answer: They feared that viewers would assume she was divorced from Rob Petrie (of The Dick Van Dyke Show)
Song: "Tell Laura I Love Her," by Ray Peterson
WHEW! ANOTHER HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET HAS ENDED! BUT THERE'S STILL SO MUCH TIME LEFT TO GO.....
#55
Realm: Great Literature
Subrealm: And You Can Dance To It
Question: What great poet's works can almost uniformly be sung, to the tune of "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"?
Answer: Emily Dickinson. (Try it-- it's fun for all!)
Song: "Poetry In Motion" by Johnny Tillotson
#56
Realm: Canadian Comic Books About Megalomaniac Pope Aardvarks
Subrealm: Cerebus
Question: Cerebus the aardvark has a drunken vision of his future, withered self. The ghostly geezer warns the young Cerebus that his lifestyle of liquor and low living is pre-destined to cut his life short. Furthermore, Cerebus is told that if he fails to reform, he will die stinking of bad whiskey, face down in the gutter, and absolutely no one will care. Fortunately, Cerebus does take this vision to heart. What important lesson does he learn from the encounter?
Answer: Cerebus should avoid bad whiskey, and stick to premium brands.
Song: "I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night," by the Electric Prunes
#57
Realm: The Eclectic Ouevre of the True Cineast
Subrealm: I Give It A Thumb Into My Pants
Question: Al Bundy's favorite video rental of all time is the film opus, Breast Monsters From Jupiter. As every schoolchild knows, in this epic, Breast Gladiators from beyond duel to the death with liquid cheese. Of course, Al doesn't want to give away the surprise ending of Breast Monsters From Jupiter, but we do get one small clue. What is that clue?
Answer: "It involves breasts."
Song: "Day By Day," by the Hooters
#58
Realm: The Wide World of Homosexual Sports
Subrealm: Triumph of the Ice Queens
Question: At the 1994 Gay Games, what was the name of the team to win the women's ice hockey championship?
Answer: The Mighty Dykes
Song: "G.L.A.D. All Over," by the Dave Clark 5
#59
Realm: NORM!!!
Subrealm: Actually, This Question Has Nothing to Do With Mr. Peterson-- We Just Like Shouting, "NORM!!!"
Question: On the very last episode of Cheers, Diane comes back into the alcohol-soaked lives of the gang when they see her win a cable ACE award. Earlier in that same awards ceremony, the ACE for Best Comedy Program was given. Name the two co-presenters of that ACE Award.
Answer: Margaret Thatcher, and LL Cool J.
Song: "How Long," by Ace
#60
Realm: Peculiar Stuff That Nobody Should Know
Subrealm: And So We Ask You Here
Question: When we refer to "One Hundred Fifty Murderous Passions, Or Those Belonging to the Fourth Class, Composing the Twenty Eight Days of February Spent In Hearing The Narrations of Madame Desgranges, Interspersed Amongst Which Are the Scandalous Doings At the Chateau During That Month," well, you guessed it-- what the hell are we talking about?
Answer: It's the longest name for a band in music history (according to Melody Maker)
Song: "So Long," by ABBA
#61
Realm: Sing
Subrealm: Sing a Song
Question: We waited until you were tired, weak and slowing down before we sprung this on you. It's time for you to SING!! Please regale our unwitting operators with your version of EITHER the theme song to "Speed Racer" OR the Oscar Mayer bologna song.
Answer:
Here he comes My bologna has a first name Here comes Speed Racer It's O-S-C-A-R He's a demon on wheels My bologna has a second name He's a demon and he's It's M-A-Y-E-R gonna be chasin' after someone Oh, I love to eat it every day He's gainin' on you, And if you ask me why, I'll say so you better look alive 'Cause Oscar Mayer has a way He's busy revvin' up the With B-O-L-O-G-N-A. powerful MACH FIVE! And when the odds are against him, And there's dangerous work You bet your life Speed Racer Will see it through GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER GO!!! He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track He's jammin' down the pedal like he's never comin' back Adventure's waiting just ahead GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER! GO SPEED RACER, GO!!Song: "Driver's Seat," by Sniff 'N The Tears
#62
Realm: Television
Subrealm: Really Bland Television
Question: We see Teddy, and Dominic, and Flo, and Moishy, and we see you, too. What insect made watching "Romper Room" so much fun?
Answer: The Do-Bee. ("Bee" is very, very wrong)
Song: "I Got Stung," by Elvis Presley
#63
Realm: Promises, Promises
Subrealm: Holy Moses!
Question: When Moses Malone was shopping his services to our nation's college basketball coaches years ago, various enticements were offered to the young star. Typically, these would include money, girls, and cars. However, what unique offer was made to Malone by Oral Roberts University?
Answer: Oral Roberts himself would personally heal his mother's ulcer.
Song: "(You've Got) The Magic Touch," by the Platters
#64
Realm: Post-Modernist Philosophical Theory
Subrealm: Yeah, Right
Question: According to Jack Handey's "Deep Thoughts," if you ever find yourself falling off a tall building, why should you go limp?
Answer: Because someone might look up and go, "Hey-- free dummy."
Song: "Freedom" by Wham! ("Freedom"......"free dum-my"-- WHAM!-- get it?)
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Realm: The Yellow Peril
Subrealm: The Simpsons
Question: What, according to the Simpsons, is the catchy slogan for Fox-TV?
Answer: "Watch Fox, and be damned for all eternity."
Song: "Oooh, My Soul," by Little Richard
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YOU ALL SURELY RECALL, WITH SOME DISCOMFORT, THE FIRST TWO HORRIBLE SONG QUARTETS OF THE CONTEST. WE FEEL YOUR PAIN. WILLIAM SHATNER, MIKE DOUGLAS, VIETNAM WAR CRIMINAL BALLADS-- IT WAS UGLY. AND YOU'VE PROBABLY BEEN LIVING IN FEAR EVER SINCE THAT THERE JUST MIGHT BE A THIRD HORRIBLE SONG QUARTET IN STORE. FEAR NOT! DO YOU GUYS THINK WE'RE A BUNCH OF SADISTIC SICKOS? THERE WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO MORE HORRIBLE SONG QUARTETS IN THIS CONTEST.
AND NOW-- THE EVENING'S FIRST HORRIBLE SONG QUINTET.
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THREE DOWN, TWO TO GO-- AND THE AGONY CONTINUES---
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FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK TONGA ALMIGHTY, WE'RE FREE OF HORRIBLE SONGS AT LAST! OR ARE WE?
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THE FOLLOWING ARE QUESTIONS WE DIDN'T GET TO..........
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Realm: His Purple Badness
Subrealm: The Question Formerly Known As Number 66
Question: When purple dwarf genius Prince changed his name to
Answer: An enterprising musician had his name legally changed TO "Prince," then tried to claim the vacant 100-million-dollar contract with Warner Brothers. (He lost.)
Song: "I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man," by Prince
Realm: Not-So-Great Moments in Feminism
Subrealm: It's Pat
Question: According to Pat Robertson, if the Equal Rights Amendment were ever passed, what five things would it make women do?
Answer: Leave their husbands; kill their children; practice witchcraft; destroy capitalism; become lesbian.
Song: "Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra
Realm: Truly Twisted Moments in Advertising
Subrealm: 20 Years Later, We Still Have Nightmares
Question: During the 1970's, A&P supermarkets had what must be the strangest advertising campaign in history, featuring the immortal slogan, "We're Always Working For Your WEEEE-O." Our question is, what the hell did this mean?
Answer: A&P's prices and selection were so terrific that customers would be forced by a unseen power to stand in the aisles and shout out, "WEEEE-O!"
Song: "Let Me In," by the Sensations
Realm: Santa Claus Slasher Movies
Subrealm: Massacre on 34th Street
Question: By contrast to A&P, the film "Don't Open Until Christmas" featured the greatest advertising tag line in cinema history. What was this monster horror chiller classic's slogan?
Answer: "T'was the night before Christmas/ And all through the house/ Not a creature was stirring/ They were all DEAD!"
Song: "Christmas In Hollis," by Run-DMC
Realm: Movie Giveaways
Subrealm: It's
Question: At the United States premiere of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the first 1000 lucky fans received a special something on their way into the theater. What?
Answer: An autographed coconut.
Song: "Arthur's Theme" by Christopher Cross
Realm: The Legal Profession
Subrealm: Insulting Subrealm Removed On The Advice of WCFM's Attorneys
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! When the National Law Journal polled Americans-- it seems that lawyers are always polling Americans-- they found out who are the seven most admired lawyers ever. Name 5 for one point, or all 7 for the THREE-POINT PLAY.
Answer: 1) F. Lee Bailey 2) Perry Mason 3) Abraham Lincoln 4) Thurgood Marshall 5) Janet Reno 6) Matlock 7) Hillary Rodham Clinton
Song: "Court Of Love," by the Unifics
Realm: Abortion Hijinks
Subrealm: Life-- What a Beautiful Sentence
Question: Anti-abortion activist Rachelle Shannon says she now regrets her August 1993 shooting of Dr. George Tiller at his Wichita clinic. Why?
Answer: Shooting people is a man's job.
Song: "Overkill," by Men At Work
Realm: Non-Secular Theme Parks
Subrealm: Be Sure To Try The Water-Into-Wine Slide
Question: Holyland U.S.A, in Bedford Virginia, is a 400-acre Christian retreat in the shape of Israel. The layout features replicas of the Dead Sea and Bethlehem, but you'll surely want to stop by the gift shop. And for budget-conscious worshippers, the lowest-priced item is just a3 acents!c What holy trinket is it?
Answer: 3-penny nails, advertised as "just like the ones used to crucify our Lord."
Song: "U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer
Realm: The Yuck Of The Irish
Subrealm: They're Magically Delicious!
Question: Name the eight items in Lucky Charms cereal, and their corresponding colors.
Answer: Pink hearts; yellow moons; orange stars; green clovers; blue diamonds; purple horseshoes; red balloons; rainbow rainbows.
Song: "Neon Rainbow," by the Box Tops
Realm: Safety First
Subrealm: Calvin & Hobbes
Question: When Calvin enters the school contest for Best Safety Poster, what slogan does he submit, and what unique artistic aid does he use?
Answer: "Be Careful, Or Be Roadkill"; rendered in chunky spaghetti sauce.
Song: "Life Is A Highway," by Tom Cochrane
Realm: Hanna
Subrealm: Barbera
Question: When Peter Potamus really needed to get his hot air balloon in gear, what special maneuver did he use?
Answer: The "Hippo Hurricane Holler."
Song: "Shout, Shout (Knock Yourself Out)," by Ernie Maresca
Realm: The Wide World of Hypothetical Sports
Subrealm: Major League Baseball
Question: A few years ago, lumpy Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott fired most of the Reds' scouts. What reason did Marge give for the mass layoffs?
Answer: All they do is sit around watching baseball games.
Song: "The Last Game of The Season (A Blind Man In The Bleachers)," by David Geddes
Realm: U.S. History
Subrealm: Go West, Dead Meat
Question: During the process of going westward ho, many of the western natives resented the expansionist movement. The single bloodiest massacre of would-be settlers in U.S. history came at the hands of what group of people?
Answer: The Mormons.
Song: "D.O.A." by Bloodrock (The only Top 40 hit sung from the point of view of a corpse)
Realm: War Is Hell
Subrealm: We Shall Eat Them in the Fields, We Shall Eat Them in the Trenches....
Question: A popular type of candy had to cease production during World War II. Which one, and why?
Answer: Hershey's Kisses-- because there wasn't enough silver foil.
Song: "Get Up And Boogie," by the Silver Convention
Realm: The Indifferent World of Sports
Subrealm: Hooray, We Lost!
Question: By losing to the Chicago Bulls in the 1993 playoffs, Knicks coach Pat Riley made a fortune. How did the greasy genius win by losing?
Answer: He had copyrighted the word "three-peat", and was thereby paid for a zillion T-shirts, posters, etc.
Song: "Yogi," by the Ivy 3
Realm: We're Off To See The Wizard of Menlo Park
Subrealm: Great Americans Named "Alva"
Question: The last thing ever made by inventor Thomas Alva Edison is displayed under glass at his Menlo Park lab. What was Edison's final creation?
Answer: His dying breath.
Song: "You Take My Breath Away," by Rex Smith
Realm: The Rules of Grammar
Subrealm: Queen Victoria Style
Question: During the Victorian Age, libraries and private collectors were bound to abide by certain cultural conventions. A proper bibliophile was not permitted to place certain types of books next to each other on a shelf, with one exception. What kinds of books, and what was that exception?
Answer: Books written by men and women-- unless, of course, the authors were married.
Song: "I Can't Get Next To You," by the Temptations
Realm: International Flights
Subrealm: Current Chinese Secret, Hmmmm?
Question: If you fly out of China on what they call "That Which Must Be Happily Preserved" Airlines, in what terminal will you arrive at, here in the West?
Answer: Virgin Airlines.
Song: "Don't Touch Me There," by the Tubes
Realm: (in a low voice) "jam."
Subrealm: (repeat) "jam."
Question: In the video game "NBA JAM," when you tire of the Shaq Attaq, or Sir Charles' Court, just use secret code ARK. Then, hit Super Nintendo, Button L, Buttons R and X, Genesis, Start, Button A, and presto! You may now begin play as which basketball superstar?
Answer: Bill Clinton. (A hidden Al Gore option is also available.)
Song: "Slam," by Onyx
Realm: I Scream, You Scream
Subrealm: But This Guy Talks Really Softly
Question: What is unusual about the ice cream truck in comedian Stephen Wright's neighborhood?
Answer: It plays "Helter Skelter."
Song: "Popsicles And Icicles," by the Murmaids
Realm: The Wide World of Cow-Worshipping Sports
Subrealm: Soccer To Me!
Question: Why did India voluntarily withdraw its team from the 1950 World Cup?
Answer: To participate, they would have been obliged to wear shoes.
Song: "Get On The Good Foot," by James Brown
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Realm: The Death of Superman
Subrealm: And Yet Cathy Lives
Question: Everybody remembers exactly where they were when they heard that we had lost Superman. His untimely death came at the hands of Doomsday, an escapee from a cosmic insane asylum, whose incredible strength and powers were the equal of the Man from Krypton. And after a multi-issue, one-on-one, mano-a-mano battle to the death, they both did. However, the entire saga was officially protested in real life by a particular interest group. What group, and why?
Answer: Advocates for the mentally ill objected to Doomsday's Superman- killing motives being ascribed to his cosmic insanity.
Song: "It Must Be Love," by Madness
Realm: Popular Music
Subrealm: Do-Re-Mi
Question: What do the following songs have in common-- "Hello, Dolly"; "Mister Sandman"; "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"; "Peggy Sue"; "The Notre Dame Victory March"; "Stormy Weather"; the theme to "I Love Lucy"; and Minnesota's official state song -- but not "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey"?
Answer: All rights to those songs (plus thousands of others) are owned by Paul McCartney.
Song: "My Melody Of Love," by Bobby Vinton
Realm: Say No To Fur
Subrealm: Only You Can Prevent Calvert DeForest Fires
Question: THIS IS A THREE-POINT PLAY! Important, ongoing socio-urban research is currently being done by the David Letterman Show. Which seven things did they check to see whether a guy in a bear suit could or could not do? Name any four for 1 point, or all seven for the THREE-POINT PLAY.
Answer: Be admitted into a strip club; Get a hug from a stranger; Hail a cab; Get someone to hang up phone for an emergency; Get a free hot dog from a vendor; Get into Hard Rock Cafe; Get a free pumpkin for Halloween.
Song: "Running Bear," by Johnny Preston
Realm: Children Were Our Most Precious Resource
Subrealm: Hey, Mom, What Happened to Little Jimmy?
Question: In 1987, 8 million U.S. children disappeared with one stroke of a pen. Please explain how.
Answer: The IRS began requiring proof that children claimed as tax dependents actually existed.
Song: "Use Ta Be My Girl," by the O'Jays
Realm: The Cold, Cold Specter of Death
Subrealm: Tyrone, We Hardly Knew Ye
Question: Surely, you too shed a tear when we lost Tyrone Fletcher to cancer this past June at the tender age of 9|. How will we best remember the late, great Tyrone?
Answer: As Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car
Song: "What's New Pussycat?" by Tom Jones
Realm: Great Men Of Our Age
Subrealm: Just Ask The Iron Shiek
Question: He's the Fashion Plate of Wrestling, he's the King of Men, he's the great Fred Blassie! And the master manager had only three rules that he tried to impart to his stable of talent-- and, of course, you egg-sucking pencil-neck geeks in the audience. What were Blassie's three rules?
Answer: Win if you can-- lose if you must-- but CHEAT at ALL times!
Song: "The Crusher," by the Novas (This would be the evening's second and last good time to point out that Rowdy Roddy Piper is God.)
Realm: A Story Based On Sworn Testimony
Subrealm: Can You PROVE It Didn't Happen?
Question: Hard to believe, but even after creating such masterpiecess as Jail Bait, Bride Of The Atom, and Glen Or Glend
Answer: I Changed My Sex, auteur director Ed Wood, Jr. still had problems getting financing for his next project. Eventually, the money for Plan Nine From Outer Space came through, but under what particular condition?
Answer: The cast and crew all had to be baptized.
Song: "Dirty Water," by the Standells
Realm: Can't We All Just Get Along?
Subrealm: If Only Them Foreigners Didn't Talk So Funny-Like
Question: What unfortunate lapse of translation marred Frank Perdue's attempts to market his poultry in certain non-English-speaking countries?
Answer: The longtime Perdue slogan was mis-translated as, "It takes a tough man to get a chicken pregnant."
Song: "In The Mood," by the Henhouse Four Plus Too
Realm: Stuff
Subrealm: Trivial Stuff
Question: The most ubiquitous version is the Gem, but you'd also recognize the Gothic, the Nifty, the Ideal, or even the Niagara. What are they?
Answer: Various designs of paper clips.
Song: "Hold On Loosely," by 38 Special
Realm: One of Lucy's Crazy, Hair-Brained Schemes
Subrealm: Sign Right Here, Ethel
Question: During all her years as Lucille Ball's sidekick on "I Love Lucy" and "The Lucy Show," Vivian Vance had a highly unusual clause in her TV contract. What did it stipulate?
Answer: That Vivian's weight be at least 15 pounds heavier than Lucy at all times.
Song: "Disco Lucy," by the Wilton Place Street Band (William Frawley compared Vance's figure to "a sack of doorknobs.")
Realm: Great Men in History
Subrealm: Little Teeny-Weeny Men of History
Question: Calculated in terms of ratio, he is 1/6th the size of the average human. He wields a powerful, deadly weapon. He is 99% brittanium. And he is absolutely nude. Who is this man?
Answer: Oscar (as in an Academy Award).
Song: "Little Man," by Sonny & Cher
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Realm: No Se Apoye Contra El Queso, Por Favor
Subrealm: Married....With Children
Question: Why does Kelly Bundy watch Spanish TV without any question or complaint?
Answer: She just assumes they're English words she doesn't know.
Song: "Rico Suave," by Gerardo
Realm: Use the Force
Subrealm: And If Appropriations Get Cut, Try To Re-Use It
Question: The Strategic Defense Initiative may have been a multi-billion dollar flop, but only if you look to the heavens. The heat-retaining mesh developed for the "Star Wars" program is now most commonly used for what earthly purpose?
Answer: To keep Pizza Hut pies hot during delivery.
Song: "98.6," by Keith
Realm: Ever Notice How The "Oscar" Is a MAN?
Subrealm: And How Those "Coming" Attractions Last Just 2 Minutes?
Question: Deep thinker Camille Paglia has said that phallic agression is intrinsic to Western conceptualization. This can be seen in the medium of film. According to Paglia, why is every movie ever made-- regardless of its intentions, its sympathies, or its actual content-- only a vital cog in the worldwide penile plot?
Answer: Because of the beam of light emanating from the movie projector.
Song: "I Saw The Light," by Todd Rundgren
Realm: Answer This Question
Subrealm: Or We Shall KEEL You!
Question: For either Ren or Stimpy, what does it mean when you wake up with two dimes in your ear?
Answer: You've been visited by the Bloody Head Fairy.
Song: "A Change Is Gonna Come," by Sam Cooke
Realm: In The Not Too Distant Future
Subrealm: MST3K
Question: During the Mystery Science Theater 3000 viewing of the classic film, "The Amazing Colossal Man," Joel and the 'bots crack wise as the humongous bald dude destroys old Army film footage and downtown Las Vegas. During his senseless rampage, the Amazing Colossal Man suddenly changes direction. According to the gang, why does he now head towards the Transamerica Building?
Answer: "To fill all his insurance needs."
Song: "Cover Me," by Bruce Springsteen
Realm: Great Moments In Arbitration
Subrealm: Pointed Arguments
Question: Why did one Mark Cienkowski shoot one Michael Klucznik in his chest with one arrow?
Answer: They were playing Monopoly, and Mark wanted to be the car, not the thimble.
Song: "Ready To Take A Chance Again," by Barry Manilow
Realm:
Subrealm: Get On The Good Book
Question: A recent (1993) adaptation of the Holy Bible was done in order to make the scripture more relevant to inner city youth. Accordingly, it begins, "Now, when the Almighty was first down with His program, He made the heavens and earth." In this stupid-dope version, what is the funky-fresh Third Commandment?
Answer: "You shouldn't diss the Almighty's name." ("Thou shalt not steal" is translated as "You shouldn't be takin' nothin' from your homeboys.")
Song: "From The Beginning," by Emerson Lake & Palmer