Shatner Sings!

The Action Trivia was simple: come down as William Shatner, and sing any song that the real Shatner has not yet sung. Since this eliminated only about 8 or 9 songs from the whole history of the world, there was still a decent assortment to select from.

Here's how the eight teams (of the nine that were still playing) did.

Audio scores

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

An odd combination of "Star Wars" and a lounge act a la Bill Murray's "SNL" skits. Not much content. They did scream "Bones!" repeatedly, for no special reason, and they did patiently wait for us when the judges got distracted by an in-studio crisis.

SCORE: 2

BUTT

The songs were a little generic-- "The Star-Spangled Banner" into "Mary Had a Little Lamb." But we'd never quite heard the latter go, "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, Mary had a little lamb, those damn Romulans-- they murdered my son!"

SCORE: 2

INDEFATIGABLE BROBDINGNAGIAN FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFACATRICES

They brought down a lifesize Mr. Spock cardboard cutout, dressed in a Williams Band shirt and hat. The singer, in full "Trek" costume, sang a rendition of the Raposo-Roddenberry classic, "Rubber Spockie, you're the one," while seducing the cardboard cutout. ("I want a Vulcan fella who's kinda yella and frigid....") Another I.B.F.er played drums and slide trombone. There was no Shatner impression whatsoever.

SCORE: 2

CHAOS THEORY (freshmen)

A Kirk and a Spock in full costume, eventually topless, coming over and fondling the judges, singing "I'm Called Little Buttercup." The worst precision dancing imaginable. "Three Amigos" references appropos of nothing. Their team name was well-chosen. For sheer audacity with no content....

SCORE: 2

ASSWIPE JONES (freshmen)

Very minimal performance-- one woman, no costume, singing a song we'd just played about 40 minutes earlier in the contest. But the song WAS "I'm Too Sexy," and the Shatnerisms were dead on: "So sexy....it HURTS!" "WHAT....do you think about THAT?" "I'M too sexy FOR this GAME.... too sexy for THIS game.... I think it is so LAME." While nonsense like the first four teams offered made us grin, only quality Shatner impressions and inspired music selections made it to the mountaintop, starting here.

SCORE: 3

CAN'T..... DO..... PLAID (thud)

Delightful female flesh in the chorus. They did their version of "Shat." (i.e. "Who is the man who would risk the lives of 345 crew members for his fellow man.....SHAT! Can you dig it?") Somehow their Shatner managed to pronounce the phrase "Right on!" with about 7 syllables and 4 inflections. The guy playing Shatner also had some sort of tribble strapped to his head as a hairpiece. The song was shockingly interrupted by a lengthy fight scene in which everyone else tilted back and forth in defiance of gravity and physics, while the original Shatner was none-too-surreptitiously replaced by a body double.

SCORE: 4

THE WEAK AND COWARDLY HAVE NO PLACE IN SHUFFLEBOARD

The best choreography of the night, replete with timing, steps, and flesh. Their Shatner had a LOT of Unshatnerian hair, but we let that slide. He was snazzily dressed in a gory leisure suit. Shuffleboard sang a full funk medley, including "Baby Got Back," "There's a Party Over There," "Whoomp! There It Is!", "Give Up the Funk (Tear The Roof Off the Sucker)," "Uncut Funk," and "P.Funk Wants To Get Funked Up." Shatner was forcing out the words as if he had severe colon blockage. Emphasis-stressed highlights included "I get.....SPRUNG!", "I GOTS ta have the FUNK-- the P!....FUNK! I likes my funk unCUT!" and the classic countoff, "ONE! One! One-TWO! Two-THREE-Four!" No weaknesses anywhere.

SCORE: 5

THE THIN RED LINE/ LET'S GET A TACO (freshmen)

Less frenetic than Shuffleboard or Plaid. No costumes, flesh, or fuss. But of all the teams, only they picked a song that sounded like one Shatner might really HAVE done. ("Whoomp! There It Is" or "I'm Too Sexy" went the easier "ridiculous contrast" route, we thought. Taco got a lot of credit for going WITH Shatner instead of against him.) They sent down TWO Shatners, both of whom were simply great. We preferred to think of them as "good" Kirk and "evil" Kirk, though Taco didn't explicitly state this. Their brilliantly-chosen song was Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here." The lyrics to said song are printed below, and you are most strenuously invited to repeat them in your head in full Bill Shatner style:

"So..... so you think you can tell.... Heaven from Hell.... blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish.... how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here....."

SCORE: 5