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Musical Miscreants

THIS SUPER BONUS DOES NOT TRAFFIC IN RUMOR AND INNUENDO!

*Keith Richards did NOT have all of his heroin-clogged blood switched.
*Paul McCartney did NOT "blow his mind out in a car", and was NOT replaced with a wax figure from Madame Tussaud's.
*Mick Jagger and David Bowie-- all right, we admit they WERE in the same bed, naked, but they were just sleeping, okay?
*And the ONLY thing you could pump out of Rod Stewart's stomach is last night's chateau briand. However, all of the following stuff is horribly, awfully, laughably TRUE!!! (Just don't quote us.)

SAY YOU, SAY ME

So, you think Pete Townshend feels foolish about writing "Hope I die before I get old"? Oh, it gets much, much worse. All of the following are frighteningly genuine quotes.
  1. "I merged with the pouring water. I let it in. I became a part of it, it became a part of me. Rain and woman were one. Now I was a rain woman. Again, it was an ecstatic union. I was in a wet dream, and it was all right."
    **Who's the Rain Woman who gave this damp account to describe her ultra-damp Central Park concert?

  2. "Lots of guys fuck their cousins-- at least I married mine."
    **What old-time rocker offered this novel defense for his actions?


  3. **Name the singer. Who took out this newspaper ad. OK? Please.

  4. "They won't grab at you or ask you for favors. I feel comfortable with these figures. They are my personal friends."
    **This is Michael Jackson, describing whom?

  5. "I think it's wonderful to be here tonight-- but I also think it's sad that there are other people who aren't here tonight. People like Paul McCartney, who couldn't be here because he's in a lawsuit with Ringo and uh, Yoko. That's what he sent a telegram to some high-priced attorney in this room, you know? And that's a bummer, because we're talking about harmony, right, in the world. If we can't get it together in America, and England, and harmony within our groups. I mean, believe it- you can believe that the Beach Boys had their own in-terse-tecine, or whatever you call it, squabbles. But that's a bummer when Ms. Ross can't make it, you know? The Beach Boys continue to do-- we did about 180 performances last year. I'd like to see the Moptops match that. I'd like to see Mick Jagger get out on the stage and do "I Get Around" versus "Jumpin' Jack Flash" any day now. Now a lot of people are going to go out of this room tonight thinking that Mike Love is crazy. Well, they've been sayin' that for years. Ain't nothin' new about that."
    **100% sane Beach Boy Mike Love offered these words of love and harmony on what august occasion?

  6. What intense young man announced to his audience, after his band made the cover of a major newsweekly, "Sorry I was late, but I had to go wipe my ass with the new Time Magazine"?

  7. Warner Brothers Records was actually forced to issue this "press release" in order to "explain" why it hadn't released a certain album:
    "Lollipops-- in yours! Stroke after stroke callin' all others a joke. Superfunkycalifragisexi. Camille rocked hard in a funky place, stuck his long funk in competition's face. Tuesday came. Blue Tuesday. His canvas full and lying on the table. Camille mustered all the hate that he was able. Hate 4 the ones who ever doubted his game. Hate 4 the ones who doubted his namexx Spooky Electric must die. Die in the hearts of all who want love. Die in the hearts of men who want change. Die in the bodies of women who want babies that will grow up with a New Power Soul."
    **Who was the subject of this news flash, and what notorious, still-unreleased album were Camille and Spooky Electric fighting about?

  8. There's a homemade video featuring a certain Rock Legend, urinating on a long-legged blonde. When she (understandably) flinches from his #1 hit, he orders her to open her eyes and mouth, asking herif it's "nice and salty." Afterwards, she says she loves him, and asks whether he won't seal this act of love with a kiss. "I can't kiss you, baby," comes his reply, "you smell like piss." What all-time rock forefather gave a grateful planet these grainy moments of true devotion featuring his "sweet little piss stream"?
    (AFTERWORD: Feminists of all sexes, be appeased! The next sequence on the very same video features the same woman defecating on his face. Sadly, you will not find this particular video at Blockbuster. We checked.)

  9. "When I was younger, the only thing I liked better than a big dick was a bigger dick!"
    **What other all-time rock forefather-- whose name, ironically enough, can be taken to mean the opposite of "big dick"-- said this?

  10. "Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complaineex.There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces. Jesus man! Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
    **What happened about 15 minutes after this emasculated, infantile complainee registered this particular complaint? (The "Pisces" part should eliminate 11/12ths of your candidates.)

  11. "It was art. a statement against materialism, against neatness, against order, values, role models."
    ** What rocker used these words to describe his band's longstanding "philosophy" for trashing hotel rooms? (Might explain why he's gone deaf.)
HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US
  1. John Lennon occasionally amused himself at parties by mixing drinks for those he considered sycophantic, imbecilic fans. His specialty was "the Beatle cocktail." What is the prime ingredient in a Beatle cocktail?

  2. Who started those Michael-Jackson-in-the-hyperbaric-chamber rumors?

  3. What super-huge band is always late starting its concerts, reportedly because the lead singer waits until his personal psychics have "cleansed" the stage before going on?

  4. How did Janis Joplin wish to celebrate the signing of her record contract with Columbia Records?

  5. A few years back, Madonna was spotted visiting New York City's "Club Nine," a local hotspot of note. What was the club's most notable membership requirement?

  6. Axl Rose's plea bargain resulting from his St. Louis stage dive (and the ensuing riot) was somewhat involved. Aside from fines and community service, Axl was forbidden to associate with known felons. What one exception was written into the legal agreement?

  7. What rap star was forced to cancel a lucrative tour, because his court-mandated ankle beeper couldn't sustain the range required?

  8. Following his teen crooning heyday, Frankie Lymon exchanged his super-lucrative half of the publishing rights for "Why Do Fools Fall In Love" for what?

  9. Once he was Prince Rogers Nelson. Then, he was simply Prince. Now, of course, he is a self-designed symbol. (Paisley Park, his ex-record company, helpfully pointed out that the symbol "has no pronunciation.") Please write, print, or script his current name/squiggle.

  10. The drummer for this band had his teeth knocked out on stage at Woodstock II. Which band?

  11. The most beloved story in the Led Zeppelin canon allegedly involves 1 nude groupie tied spreadeagle to a bed, 1 live, wriggling baby shark, and.. well, perhaps we should leave it at that. However, the band's head roadie Richard Cole says the tale is a terrible, terrible lie! What does Cole say was really the case?

  12. Ozzy Osbourne is forever banned from San Antonio, Texas. Why?

  13. Why didn't Marvin Gaye buy his dad a Father's Day card in 1984?

  14. In the documentary Cocksucker Blues, an unfortunate woman is grabbed by a lusty roadie, forcibly stripped nude, molested, and generally disempowered. Naturally, your Rolling Stones aren't the sort of guys to just stand by and do absolutely nothing. Mick and the boys plunge into the action by racing to the scene and doing what?

  15. What, in Beatle parlance, was a "knee-trembler"?

  16. What, in Michael Jackson parlance, is a "rubba"?

  17. In the days before channel clickers, how did Elvis Presley switch away from programming not to his liking (especially featuring Robert Goulet)?

  18. The Doors' Jim Morrison got into major trouble as a result of which scientific experiment in light refraction?

  19. Country legend Waylon Jennings did the Big Bopper a personal favor. Why wasn't the Big Bopper all that grateful?

  20. When James Brown was finally pulled over by police after his angel dust-driven interstate car chase, did the Godfather of Soul:

  21. Cher has had at least four longterm liaisons with famous music slugs. Name them.

  22. What was Cynthia Plaster Caster's claim to fame in music?

  23. What does David Bowie consider his fondest memory of the years 1974 and 1975?

  24. Ringo Starr sued in court to prevent the release of an album recorded by him. What explanation did he offer for wanting to quash the album?

  25. What difficulty did Sinatra wanna-be Harry Connick, Jr. have with his luggage at New York's JFK Airport?

  26. In the Madonnamentary, Truth Or Dare, Madonna pleasantly greets Kevin Costner, only to brutally mock him the moment his back is turned. What does Costner do to merit such treatment?

  27. Jimi Hendrix' headband served more than just a decorative function. Explain how.

  28. What country singer had to put out an album for the sole purpose of paying off part of his massive IRS tax bill?

  29. What vegetarian post-punk mama has advocated violent terrorist actions against the imperialist running dog McDonald's?

  30. He gave the world the beautiful love ballads "Scabs On My Dick" and "Stinkfinger Clit". But the great G.G. Allin's inadvertant overdose ended his often-stated dream to do what on stage? Also, please describe the stage act of this misunderstood poet and genius.

  31. Why was Paul McCartney's world tour interrupted for 10 days in 1980?

  32. Exactly half the members of the group Badfinger ended their career in what fashion?
WHODUNIT?

**From the accompanying list of 51 names, identify the rock star to experience the 31 following incidents: 

David Bowie             Michael Jackson       Prince
Boy George              Mick Jagger           Keith Richards
James Brown             Billy Joel            Lionel Richie
Johnny Cash             Elton John            Kenny Rogers
David Cassidy           Brian Jones           Axl Rose
Dick Clark              John Lennon           Slash
Phil Collins            Huey Lewis            Phil Spector
Ray Davies              Madonna               Bruce Springsteen
John Denver             J. Mascis             Steven Stills
Robin Gibb              Paul McCartney        Sting
Al Green                Freddie Mercury       Pete Townshend
Hammer                  Keith Moon            2Pac
George Harrison         Rick Nelson           Eddie Van Halen
Debbie Harry            John Oates            Sid Vicious
Jimi Hendrix            Yoko Ono              Joe Walsh
Whitney Houston         Jimmy Page            Barry White
Englebert Humperdinck   Elvis Presley         Frank Zappa

YOUR DISS, YOUR DISS, IS ON MY LIST

When musicians want to fight back against other musicians, what better way to do it than by misusing their God-given gifts? Give the insulterr and insulter for each of the following:

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SHOOBY-DOO-WOP-BA-DAAAH!

  1. What band got its name from a dildo?

  2. What band got its name from the British slang for men who gerbil?

  3. What two bands got their respective names from the average amount of male ejaculate per orgasm?

  4. What band named themselves after vaginal discharge, then tried to cover their tracks by claiming it was really a tribute to their favorite NBA star?

BEAVIS & BUTT-HEAD 5-SECOND REVIEWS

  1. Those inveterate musicologists have shown an uncanny knack for encapsulating an artist or a video in one concise, pithy sound byte. From the B & B-H quote, identify the person/group being discussed.

  2. "Why does that guy keep saying he can dance? His dancing sucks!"

  3. "That isn't Manute Bol-- Manute Bol sings better than this!"

  4. "These guys are cool-- for a bunch of mimes!"

  5. "Hey, Beavis-- I thought you were Daddy's little cutie!"
    "Shut up, bunghole!"

  6. "That's not Pearl Jam, dumbass!"
    "I'm glad to see you're learning, Beavis."

  7. "This sounds like folk music!"
    "Yeah, but it gets cool later."

  8. "I heard that *BAND NAME HERE* is French for 'we're wusses'."

  9. "This must be that band with George Michael, Kenny G, and Snow."

  10. "He's that old dude from Africa who used to be in the Beatles."

RANDOM QUESTIONS

  1. The cover of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Abbey Road EP differed in two distinct ways from the original cover of the Beatles album. How so?

  2. As for the Beatles, their most notorious album cover was for Yesterday & Today, until Capitol Records yanked it off the printing presses. Describe this gory collectable.

  3. A Beatles-related album cover that was not censored-- unfortunately- was John Lennon & Yoko Ono's Two Virgins. Describe that cover.

  4. A naked woman, slathered in oil, on all fours, wearing a dog collar, with a black leather glove being thrust in her face. Now that's an album cover. Whose?

  5. Another censored LP cover was for the Rolling Stones' Beggars Banquet. It wouldn't be seen officialy until released on CD over 20 years later. Describe this shocking, shocking cover.

  6. What do the covers of the eponymous Blind Faith and Nirvana's Nevermind have in common?

  7. What do the covers of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here and the eponymous Rage Against the Machine have in common?

  8. When some stores refused to carry Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking album because of the cover art, what did the band replace it with?

And now, the musical group that is by far the most sex-crazed, drug-addled, bitterly divided, and just plain demented in the history of rock 'n roll! Yes, ladies and gents, will you join me please in welcoming---

THE BEACH BOYS!

  1. How did the Wilson boys' deranged daddy use his glass eyeball to punish the young lads?

  2. Another borderline-insane punishment in the Wilson household involved Brian Wilson and a newspaper, for the entertainment/enlightenment of the entire family. Please elaborate.

  3. What unique design arrangement was made to Brian Wilson's living room, in order to inspire his beach life songwriting?

  4. Mike Love is never seen without his stupid baseball caps, because Boys should not be bald. After an inebriated Dennis Wilson ripped off Mike's hat onstage, how did Mr. Love react?

  5. What was Mike Love's reaction to the death of Dennis Wilson?

  6. A certain L.A. figure attached himself to the Beach Boys in the hopes that their influence would get him a record contract. However, even though the Beach Boys recorded one of his songs, it didn't happen. What did this songwriter have to do to get his album Lie released?

  7. For two years, Brian Wilson didn't want to do this because he feared that fire might come out-- or gas-- or snakes-- or, most terrifying of all, nothing at all. What everyday activity did the surfin' psycho skip?

  8. Eugene Landy is credited as co-writer of Brian Wilson's "Love And Mercy" and "Melt Away." Who is Eugene?

  9. Pick a Beach Boy (Brian Wilson, Murry Wilson (Dad), Dennis Wilson, Mike Love) who did one of the following:

EVERY PICTURE TELLS A STORY, DON'T IT

Since we will probably never get to see them, please draw your best approximation of those police photos taken of Michael Jackson at the height of his boy-sex scandal.