Attention ex-Organs; if your name is missing, or if you know of an absent Snapper, please send in their names!
Dan Aramini
Ted Benson
Des Devlin
Erika Evander
Wendi Frasca
Nancy Francis
Raf Francis
Rob Greenfield
John Grundy
Leigh Grundy
Rob Kent
Andrew Laitman
Troy Lowry
Helen Mango
Lisa Marr
Greg Pliska
Greg Smith
Jill Smith
Chris Spoor
Jan Spoor
Jeff Sultar
(NOTE: These incredibly long and overwritten bits and rules did not make it on the air as is. Rather than read Question #1 around 12:45, some last-minute editing was done, primarily the "At The Movies" spoof, which was perhaps more nasty than funny anyway. The crack about Cannolis' intro perhaps going on a bit too long is truly bald-faced, considering the endless girth of this monstrosity.
And after that disingenuous snipe, the intro teases Take the Cannolis for their unsupportable "hyperbole," specifically their claim to have won Trivia by the largest margin in history. The H.S. Organs who'd been on Rule Six genuinely believed their earlier win to be the greatest. But Rule Six won by 15 points, Cannolis by 65. Who's hyperboling who?
This contest continued the tradition of mis-numbered trivia contests. It was wrongly claimed that this was the 51st, rather than the 47th. This was based on the Cannolis' incorrect claim of being the 50th contest a semester earlier.
However, the vow to punish phone jamming not with point division, but with systematic sabotage re hints, judgement calls, etc. seemed to work. Basically, everybody knew there was no way in hell a team would dare change a 250-point team to 125, so the danger in jamming anyway was non-existent. But it was VERY possible they would ignore them in a dozen small ways, while focusing favor on the 242-point and 238-point teams. The credibility of this threat is one reason why jamming shenanigans have largely departed the contest.)
**TAPE: WCFM cart with Jim Bakker (With backing vocals lifted from the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want," this tape featured an amazingly cheesy impression of the disgraced TV evangelist. Along with giving the particulars (date, time, we are H.S.Organs), "Bakker" explained that "P.T.L." did not stand for "Praise The Lord," his erstwwhile ministry. Rather, it meant "Play Till Light," which all teams would do. The winning team, "Jim" promised, would get to P.T.L.-- "Pity The Losers" who had to try again next time. "Jim" sent his regrets that he would be unable to participate due to his prison sentence, but was surely looking forward to attending HIS next trivia contest, in the Spring of 2028.)
(**LIVE to WCFM studios**)
Rob: "WCFM Radio regrets to inform its listeners that due to circumstances beyond our control, Harry "Snapper" Organs will be unable to conduct the 51st Semi-Annual Williams Trivia Contest. The details are still sketchy...... something about a shootout in a crackhouse....... the actor Todd Bridges may have been involved in some way....... well, that's all besides the point now.
The facts are simply these. Harry "Snapper" Organs are not here, there will be no contest, and we don't have any further information of any value. Don't bother calling the Pus Line. There IS no Pus Line. It's just me.
Since we at WCFM were kind of expecting them to show up, we didn't make any plans for the time slot. But we've dug up something really good. So we hope that rather than sulking for the rest of the night, you'll keep your dial where it is, as we present "Orange Juice and Paper Roses: The Music and Moments of Miss Anita Bryant."
(**TAPE of Anita Bryant singing "Paper Roses," interrupted after about 20 seconds by ghastly shrieking.)
Greg P.: "Hello. This is indeed Harry "Snapper" Organs on the air. We're very sorry about the confusion, and can offer no explanations, only apologies. Perhaps he was a frustrated DJ who was upset because his namby-pamby jazz show got bumped because of us. Anyway, there will be no more problems of any sort, so just sit back, and get ready for the next TWO HOURS AND 40 MINUTES of Williams Trivia!"
Robert: "What? Only two hours and twenty minutes?"
Greg S.: "Yes, I AM very sorry about that. I ought to have told you before. Every figure that Mr. Thesis gives will be one-third of its actual amount. It's nothing he can help; otherwise, he's quite all right. It merely means that when he says the trivia contest will be two hours and 40 minutes long, it will actually be 80 hours long."
Marc: "And lime will cost a bit extra. And now, for something completely different. A trivia team with 44 buttocks.
(**TAPE-- peppy "At The Movies"-style music begins, and continues underneath talking. The following lines are read in bizarrely perky voices.)
Des: "Hello, this is Des Devlin for "Harry 'Snapper' Organs." "
Ted: "And this is Ted Benson, also for "Harry 'Snapper' Organs"!"
Des: "And today, we'll be reviewing the Spring 1989 contest run by "Leave the Gun, Take the Cannolis." It's just the latest in the Trivia series of contests."
Ted: "Right you are, Des! Personally, I found Leave the Gun's intro to be a tired rehash of shopworn concepts and played-out situations. Like their opening, a parody of "Star Wars." Now that's VERY fresh in the year 1989. The people who did "Spaceballs" laugh at them."
Des: "Well, Ted, what more can you expect by a team that had to go back to 1972 to find a team name? I thought their intro was a tipoff right away. It went on so long in that Oxy-5 drone that I felt as if I were sitting through both of the "Star Wars" trilogies that have yet to be filmed."
Ted: "You should have done what I did, Des, and taken a catnap. When their intro was over at 1:30, I woke up and felt like a new man. It could have been just the edge our team needed for a close win."
Des: "It just goes to show that there's first place, and then there's noplace, Ted! As for the contest, haven't we heard all this before? Once again, we were treated to the same tired threat about dividing teams scores by two. That's got less punch by now than a Zsa Zsa left hook."
Ted: "Well, Des, I got used to their crazed hyperbole when they claimed they'd won by the largest margin in trivia history. I guess they're still trying to deny the reality of Rule Six's 1983 victory, and our gigantic point advantage.
Des: "Well, this is not the time to brag, Ted. I'm just not the bragging kind. Or else I;d be mentioning that Harry "Snapper" Organs was a small team AND an alumni team, and STILL won. And that's never happened before-- except the LAST time we won!"
Ted: "So we're in agreement, Des. Two thumbs sideways for the Cannolis contest. It had its good points, which we're just a little too short on time to mention now. And anyway, after those two snuff-metal contests that preceded it, it isn't like they could have sunk any lower. Besides, who could possibly criticize an entire Hour Bonus on "Moonlighting"?
Des: "Not me, Ted! And this time, teams can look forward to OUR "Alf" Superbonus!"
Ted: "Let's not forget our "That Girl" action trivias, Des! But we're giving away too much. It's just that I'm so excited about the Snapper contest, it's time to cast impartiality to the winds. It's in the bag, Des-- this is gonna be the greatest contest ever!"
Des: "You've never been more right, Ted! And that makes it two big thumbs up for Harry "Snapper" Organs!"
Ted: "But not up each other, eh, Des?"
(Both laugh WAY too heartily, way too long.)
Rob: "Welcome, welcome, a thousand welcomes to you all. We are Harry "Snapper" Oragsn, the reigning magistrates of mediocre music, the fuhrers of frivolous fiddle-faddle, and your trusty trustees of trivia. And THIS is the 51st Semi-Annual Williams College Trivia Contest. Over the ensuing eight hours, wer shall exert an almost-hypnotic sway over you and your radios, causing many of you to risk life, limb and sanity, in your crazed attempts to claw your way to trivial triumph. But even in your most desperate moments, please keep in mind that it's not so bad to finish second. After all, it's the attempt that counts. There's no shame in trying your very best, and falling short. At least we think so, we wouldn't know, because we WON!
We will begin by thwarting convention and announcing the phone numbers FIRST. This will allow you to call in NOW, during the reading of the rules you probably know already, and register your team names early. This will help us all avoid congestion and confusion during Question One. So, get ready-- the six General Numbers are: 597-2284, 597-2456, 597-2150, 597-2383, 597-3150, and 597-2690. (REPEAT NUMBERS.)
If you are using just one or two phones tonight, you are a small team, regardless of how many humans on your team. In this case, size really doesn't matter. Small teams ONLY may phone 597-2052 and 597-2317. That's 597-2052 and 597-2317. Remember, small teams are those with TWO or FEWER phones. Large teams have three or more. Small teams can dial ANY of the eight numbers, but big teams may NOT call the small team lines. Other useful numbers you should write down are our Hour Bonus Hint Lines, which are 597-2373, and 458-4779. (REPEAT NUMBERS) And the ever-popular Pus Line is 597-2197. Feel free to call one of the basic eight numbers now, to announce your existence.
At last, the reality coordinates you've all been waiting for: The Reading of the Rules. We will read a question over the air, which will be followed all but immediately by some peppy tune, usually a Top 40 classic. You will have the duration of the song to call us, using some foolish and obtuse team name. You will earn one point for correctly answering the question, and a second for identifying both the song's title and artist. Occasionally, there will be opportunities to earn a third point; these shall be announced as they present themselves. The canny triviaphile will notice a relation between the song and question. These connections are completely coincidental; we apologize in advance.
Each and every hour, there shall be an Hour Bonus, worth 10 points for a perfect score. Be on your guard! Many of these Hour Boni will be broadcast over the air! The prepared trivia team will have a blank cassette pre-loaded at ALL TIMES, in order to tape these ephemeral audio boni. Like the Impossible Mission Squad, we will play these self-destructing boni ONCE, never to be heard again-- except by you and your team huddling over somebody's Casio. Hour Bonus Hint Lines will be open two minutes after the Boni have become publically available.
In a similar, yet swollen vein, there will be two Super Boni, each worth 35 points in the event of perfection. These will be due at 4 AM, and 7:45 AM, sharp. Please don't annoy us with tardiness. All Boni answers must be run in by a messenger, so do limber up.
Since we Organs believe that sound body is nearly as critical as sound mind, we will also be calling upon all trivial types with motor functions to engage in Action Trivia performances for our amusement. These public displays will be graded from 0 to 5, although you'll probably get at least a 1 for just showing up and wheezing. A decent humdrum effort will net you a 2 or a 3, accelerating to a possible 5 for those teams showing a willingness to bare their privates, shatter their spleens, and otherwise exhibit a total disregard for human decency. Props, vim, and accuracy are essential.
If the preceding potpourri of pop culture hasn't left you permanently addled, we'll also be featuring an Ultra Bonus, which will span the entire length of the contest. There will be more gruesome details about this particular nastiness later.
At 8 AM, we'll all be tired, but not especially wiser. However, one groggy squad will revel in their new status as Temporary Trivia Gods, and will receive their cheap plastic bowling trophy at the Baxter Hall awards ceremonies around 8:30. In exchange for this worthless honor, they will then be obliged to provide a panting public with the Spring 1990 contest. And as always, in the event of a tie, the winning team will be determined by a voice vote of the Tonga Parliament.
One last time, the main phone lines are as follows: 597-2284, 597-2456, 597-2150, 597-2383, 597-3150, and 597-2690. Small team lines ONLY are 597-2052 and 597-2317. Answers to songs and questions will NOT be accepted on any other lines. The Hour Boni Hint Lines are 458-4779, and 597-2373. And the Pus Line-- to be employed only in the event of a major meltdown, is 597-2197. Do NOT call the Pus Line if you hear us talking on the radio, becaues then you will hear a phone ring on the air, and we'll be that much grumpier and unwilling to listen to you. We've been winning these things since 1983, so if you want to be friends, play along.
In a similar vein, clogging the trivial works with that foul virus known as "phone jamming" will be met with swift and cruel reprisals. Not the old "divide-by-two" threat that nobody ever carries out, but even worse--- we'll just get sick of you. And you won't get a bit of help from us the rest of the night. We are a small winning team, and our sympathies lie with the small. We don't have the time or patience for this nonsense. So remember-- jam phone BAD! Organs ANGRY! NO DO!!!
As a small team running this whole shebang, we're gonna be pretty busy, so we cannot track down scoring discrepancies more than two hours old. THAT'S what the Pus Line is for. However, as it happens, we won't be making any mistakes, so you won't need to complain.
You will know that you've reached us when the phone is answered by an overburdened alumnus from the real world, barking "Dimsdale!"
The first Hour Bonus is due at 1 AM, the first Super Bonus is due at 4 AM, and they're both available NOW in the basement of Baxter Hall. So, dispatch your swiftest member, fly like the wind, scurry down the staircase by the back entrance, and pick up both Boni NOW! Of course, that fleet fellow will miss the first question of the contest, because here it comes........