Stand-Up Comedy

Hour 1


From Ye Olde Rimshots to Tonight’s Comedy Central Special

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Name the Comic and Finish the Joke

The follow six sections contain four questions each about the stand-up routines of certain unidentified comedians. Identify the comedians, then answer the questions about them.

  1. Mystery Comic #1:
  2. England conquered the world through the clever use of what?
  3. If the Church of England had fundamentalists, what ultimatum would they give everyone?
  4. This comic envisioned Darth Vader getting into an argument with the person in charge of what?
  5. If God had really written the Bible, what would’ve been the first sentence?
  6. Mystery Comic #2:
  7. What was Pringles originally trying to make?
  8. How hard is it to stop smoking?
  9. What does a “Dry Clean Only” jacket really mean?
  10. What’s the difference between bananas and traffic lights?
  11. Mystery Comic #3:
  12. If Jesus had been killed in the 1940s, what would Catholics wear around their necks?
  13. This comic’s bit once got cut from “The Steve Allen Show” because of a risqué joke involving what four-letter word?
  14. President Kennedy should have introduced all the black men in his administration how (and why)?
  15. How might you get away with putting “tits and ass” on a marquee (and what would be the new problem)?
  16. Mystery Comic #4:
  17. Who is the only Asian role model that Asian-American girls have to look up to?
  18. What does Laura Bush’s vagina taste like?
  19. According to this comic, the gayest establishment in the world is a bar in Scotland named for whom?
  20. Having reading it in an article, what word did this comedian constantly hear in the place of similar-sounding expressions, like “soft drink”?
  21. Mystery Comic #5:
  22. Three signs that the world is crazy are that the French think Americans are arrogant, Germans want peace, and the Swiss have the America’s Cup. Name any two others.
  23. What would be better than gun control?
  24. If you’re a father, what is a clear sign that you fucked up?
  25. What is the one instance in which a white person can use the n-word? (Exact answer unnecessary, but significant detail required.)
  26. Mystery Comic #6:
  27. This comedian bought some batteries, but had to buy them again. Why?
  28. This comic was delivered by C-section. What was its main aftereffect?
  29. Where does this comedian keep his enormous collection of seashells?
  30. This comedian accidentally poured what on his dog, making him disappear?

Catchphrases

Given his or her catchphrase or signature punch-line, name the comic.

  1. “Dee dee dee!”
  2. “Take my wife…please!”
  3. “Git-r-done!”
  4. “I don’t get no respect.”
  5. “Can we talk?”
  6. “Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!”
  7. “Say goodnight, Gracie.”
  8. “What’s the deal with that?”
  9. “I prefer to be called ‘domestic goddess.’”
  10. “I think it might go something like this…”

Alternate Identities

Given the character they recurringly voice(d) during stand-up routines, name the comic who created that character.

  1. Mudbone
  2. Tony Clifton
  3. Geraldine Jones
  4. Al Sleet, the Hippy Dippy Weatherman
  5. The 2000 Year Old Man
  6. Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
  7. Duncan Thicket
  8. Achmed the Dead Terrorist
  9. Fat Albert
  10. Dame Edna Everage

Miscellaneous
  1. According to Bill Hicks, what was the only way to make film action sequences exciting again in the age of special effects?
  2. What does Kevin James think a realistic romantic card from his girlfriend should say?
  3. According to her Bravo stand-up series, where does Kathy Griffin live (metaphorically)?
  4. Woody Allen tells a story in which the Berkowitzes dress as a moose and win at a costume party, but then end up in the woods and get shot and mounted at a club in Manhattan. Why is the joke on the club?
  5. What does Dane Cook call communion wafers?
  6. If Demetri Martin saw an amputee in the gallows, what would he do?
  7. When Dick Gregory was told at a Southern diner that they didn’t serve colored people, what was his response?
  8. What’s the dumbest sentence Lewis Black has ever heard anyone say?
  9. After bombing with a 9/11 joke at the roast of Hugh Hefner, how did Gilbert Gottfried save his act?
  10. What activity does Robin Williams claim could only have been invented by drunken Scotsmen?

Extra Credit

Abbott and Costello. Go.