THESE PEOPLE FELT THE LOVE:
SPEAKER: And now, we bring you a Russian tale of struggle.
TROTSKY: Oy! The snowstorms! The frostbite! The bitter cold! Why did I ever leave comfortable Russia for Williamstown, Massachusetts? The delicatessen on Spring Street doesn't even serve a decent Leonid Brezhnev sandwich! But what I miss most are the simple songs of my people. Where can I find comrades in this town who have experienced decades of ruthless interrogation? Hark! Do I hear a musical cue?
(Sung to the tune of "Tradition"):
When is the contest? Sometime in December, the last day of classes, that's the way it is.
And that's when the geezers come to play their 18th contest like they always have!
TRADITION! TRADITION! .... TRADITION!
TRADITION! TRADITION! .... TRADITION!
But this year the schedule is a little wrong, it's five weeks late, what's going on?
Why did Trotsky make the thing so goddamn late, and throw off everyone's internal clock?
ATTRITION! ATTRITION! ....ATTRITION!
ATTRITION! ATTRITION! ....ATTRITION!
Well, we don't really give a crap, we moved it anyway.
We knew you'd show up anyhow. Guess why we did it?
THE FRESHMEN! THE FRESHMEN! ....THE FRESHMEN!
THE FRESHMEN! THE FRESHMEN! ....THE FRESHMEN!
You wanted this last month? You should have won last May.
We run this show so there's a thing we don't require.
PERMISSION! PERMISSION! ....PERMISSION!
PERMISSION! PERMISSION! ....PERMISSION!
TROTSKY: Ach, this generation and their crazy new ideas! They don't respect the history of Williams Trivia!
LENIN: Not true! Most of the old ways are still the good ways. The hosts will read a question on the air, then play a song. Teams have the length of the song to phone in with the trivia answer, and to name the song and artist. They'll get 1 point for each! They'll also notice that every song relates in some way to the question! The connections might provide valuable clues to any team that needs a boost.
TROTSKY: Every song matches the question? How do they do it?
LENIN: It's not easy....
(Sung to the tune of "Matchmaker, Matchmaker"):
Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a song,
Give us a clue that's really strong.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, download some tunes and give us a perfect match.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, burn those CDs.
The folks who play are tough to please.
Make sure to find that insane obscure song, so we can all sing along.
Each song match must be a winner, but it can't be too easy or tough.
The experts and the beginners must both agree that every song's great stuff!
Matchmaker, matchmaker, choose what is new.
And classic rock, we like that too!
Pick lots of different things, and then we'll cry, "There's nothing we
recognized."
TROTSKY: Eight hours of questions and songs doesn't sound so brutal. So why do they call Williams Trivia the gulag of the brain?
STALIN: You haven't heard of the bonus? Every hour, teams receive a collection of trivia devoted to a single topic. They have 60 minutes to answer as much as they can and return them to the judges. Two of the boni won't even be on paper, which we can burn for heat. They'll be audio bonuses, which will be played over the air, and which teams will need to tape themselves. Any Hour Bonus is worth up to 10 points. Then, there are two Super Bonuses, which are 4 hours apiece, and can destroy point spreads like the Cossacks destroyed my village! The first one is at midnight, and the second one comes at the 4:00 am break! Those are worth 25 points each!
TROTSKY: These bonuses. Can they be on any topic?
STALIN: Anything.... and more.
(Sung to the tune of "Sunrise, Sunset"):
Is this the contest I expected?
Is this the reason that I play?
Who wanted a whole Super Bonus
On Dr. Dre?
When will I get to show my talents?
When will I get to strut my stuff?
I've watched each episode of Tough Enough.
Sunrise, not yet
Sunrise, not yet
There's too much to do
Each bonus crueler than the last one
Name every sample of shampoo.
TROTSKY: Monsters! If only I could face these leaders who have betrayed their brothers, I would give them a piece of my mind!
KRUSHCHEV: You'll have 7 chances to do that! Every hour on the half-hour, teams must physically go down to Baxter and perform an Action Trivia. Each one is a skit or scenario of some kind, which may or may not be based on existing source material. They're graded on a 6-point scale, with half the points going for demonstration of legitimate trivia knowledge, and the other 3 points being awarded to teams that show creativity, flair, or nipples.
TROTSKY: But I am a simple peasant. I could never handle such a contest alone.
KRUSHCHEV: Comrade! You are part of a team! Not only is there the traditional trophy for the winning team, but the best Frosh-Heavy team is also saluted at the awards ceremony! Any team that's more than 50% Class of '06 qualifies for this incredible honor. Look, here comes someone who can tell you more about playing with others.
(Sung to the tune of "If I Were a Rich Man"):
If I played with Rich Flynn,
BOMO BOMO BOMO Wham-o Judo Grillo Grillo pus....
All night long he'd talk about the butt,
If I got stuck with Rich Flynn.
HEY!
He doesn't like to work hard,
Betsy Betsy Betsy Bruneau Sandy Maura Ethan Dill....
What a pain when....
TROTSKY: Wait a minute! Shut up! Quiet! What makes you think you can use a contest intro to abuse people without any justification?
TRADITION! TRADITION!
GORBACHEV: There is more, of course. The dreaded Ultra Bonus haunts the contest like the secret police. The 4:00 am bonus is where you must toil, while the rulers relax. But all of that will be explained. What cannot be explained is this: are you nuts? Why are you playing this loony contest?
(Sung to the tune of "Anatevka"):
Williams Triv-ya, Williams Triv-ya
Asinine overtime Williams Triv-ya
Where else could we have such dumb fun?
Williams Triv-ya, Williams Triv-ya
Magical tragical Williams Triv-ya
Your night of madness has begun.
SPEAKER: Because what is there to life, really, besides 363 days of waiting for.... for.... for TRIVIA! TRIVIA, ON THE AIR!
(musical crescendo)