The Tonga Tribune: The Newspaper Super Bonus

YESTERDAY'S HEADLINES

Given the date and the source, you supply the headline. Exact wording will be rewarded. One was not a front page headline.

December 20, 1860-- Charleston Mercury
THE UNION IS DISSOLVED!
December 24, 1897-- New York Sun
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
January 13, 1898-- L'Aurore
J'ACCUSE
May 1, 1898-- New York Journal
HOW DO YOU LIKE THE JOURNAL'S WAR?
April 15, 1912-- Baltimore Evening Sun
ALL TITANIC PASSENGERS SAFE
February 26, 1913-- The Onion
ARCHDUKE FRANZ FERDINAND OF AUSTRIA BOASTS: "NO MAN CAN STOP ME"
January 13, 1928-- New York Daily News
DEAD!
October 30, 1929-- Variety
WALL STREET LAYS AN EGG
July 17, 1935-- Variety STIX NIX HICK PIX
July 8, 1947-- Roswell Daily Record
RAAF CAPTURES FLYING SAUCER ON RANCH IN ROSWELL REGION
November 3, 1948-- Chicago Tribune
DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN
February 20, 1964-- Melody Maker
WOULD YOU LET YOU DAUGHTER GO OUT WITH A ROLLING STONE?
November 25, 1968-- Harvard Crimson
HARVARD BEATS YALE, 29-29
October 30, 1975-- New York Daily News
FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD
January 13, 1976-- Daily Guardian
THE FILTH AND THE FURY!
April 19, 1981-- The Onion
HINCKLEY, FOSTER TO WED
April 15, 1983-- New York Post
HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR
June 23, 1992-- Weekly World News
BAT CHILD FOUND IN CAVE!
September 25, 2001-- The Village Voice
WISH YOU WERE HERE
USA Today's headline was "UNDISPUTED CHUMP." The London Sun's was "SUCKER MUNCH." What were they talking about?
Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear.
The Philadelphia Daily News' headline was "IT'S A RAP." The New York Post's was "CAPUT!" What were they talking about?
The death of Tupac (2Pac) Shakur.
What newspaper published the headline "BEER BARON BEATS BANNER"?
The Springfield Shopper.
What, according to the Motley Fool, is the headline which is more classic than any other?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
Inverness Caley Thistle beat heavily favored Celtic, 3-1, in the 2000 Scottish Cup final. What brilliantly goofy headline did the Scottish Sun print on February 9, 2000?
SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC, CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS
The earliest newspaper-like format was a one-page daily sheet posted at various points around its city of origin. Who ordered this?
Julius Caesar.
One-sheets and pamphlets published in late-1400s Germany were the first tabloid-style newspapers. (Sensationalized tormenting of public figures didn't begin with Winona, O.J., Martha, and Wacko Jacko, you know.) What person's atrocities were reported-- or invented, when necessary-- by these forerunners of today's press?
Vlad the Impaler.
What was the first newspaper published in the Americas?
"Publick Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick."
The term "yellow journalism" comes from a circulation war between New York tabloids, each publishing competing versions of the same comic strip character-- which?
The Yellow Kid.
The top story in the July 29, 1926 edition of the New York Times was the arrest of Frances Hall for the murder of her husband, a reverend. The 2nd story was a boycott by Mexico City women protesting state regulations. According to The Paper Of Record, what was the third-most important story to occur on July 28, 1926?
The first demonstration of television.
What was the lengthiest article published by the Washington Post in 1997?
The Unabomber's manifesto.

COLUMNISTS

In order to create the illusion that their news coverage ISN'T skewed and massaged into a form pleasing to their corporate masters, newspapers like to run opinion columns. This cleverly implies that the rest of the paper is above special interests. Well, we can be clever ducks, too. However, we don't need to waste your time with political drivel (gee, which side of free trade shall the Wall Street Journal come down on today?), inane pop culture simplitudes (yeah, nice Pulitzer, Dowd; can't wait for your Bush = Matrix column the week after the movie opens), or heart-tugging appeals to bourgeois emotionalism (Please, God, We've Seen "Please, God, I'm Only 17" 17 Times Before-- DIE Already!). We only care about one thing: those fabulous headshots! Please identify the columnist from their grainy, unpleasant mug.

(going clockwise >>>)

Of course, all observers of the American scene must tip their caps to the undisputed master of the opinion column. Ed Anger is pig-bitin', beer-spittin', wife-kickin' mad from the first moment he sits down at the typewriter. But exactly HOW mad is he?

He's madder than Ted Williams _______________. locked in a meat cooler
He's madder than a grease monkey _________________. with a crooked dipstick
He's madder than a brain surgeon ___________________. in a stalled golf cart
He's madder than a window washer _______________. with a busted squeegee
He's madder than a hungry lion _______________. gnawing on a skinny Christian
He's madder than Monica Lewinsky _______________. with lockjaw
He's madder than a swami ________________. on a rusty bed of nails
He's madder than a Nazi prison camp commandant ______________. with a foggy monocle
He's madder than a rooster ________________. in an alarm clock factory
He's madder than an Italian _________________. with a soggy meatball

In the space remaining, please write a paragraph or two in the style of Dave Barry. Your topic: the dating scene at Williams College.

POLITICAL CARTOONS

This newspaper is an unbiased conduit of pure information. We dance to the tune of no political faction, be it conservative or liberal. However, we still feel an obligation to present the viewpoints of America's foremost political cartoonists. To avoid offending anyone, however, we choose to publish 19 of them all at once. Each reader will surely find somebody here to affirm their existing worldview, without the smallest whiff of intellectual challenge to annoy them. Your only challenge is to name the 19 artists.

CROSSWORD

Normally, the ability to write English is a skill that will help you finish a crossword. But not tonight. This puzzle is guaranteed to contain a misspelling, intentional or otherwise, in every answer. All clues come from the world of music. Please give us the right wrong solution.

CLASSIFIEDS

Great literary characters come alive on the page. But after that, what? Most likely, the same mundane concerns of work, shelter, commerce, and personal relationships that any of us contend with every day. Each of the following classified notices reflects upon a noted work of literature. Name the title and its author.

COMICS

What a horrible bungle! For no apparent reason, all of the comic strips got mixed up at the printers. Now there's only one panel from each strip! And even worse, the panels don't have any of the characters in them! The editor has given up hope. It's up to YOU to identify each comic strip title, based solely on the background settings that remain.

PAGE ONE:

PAGE TWO:

PAGE THREE:

SPORTS

The following baseball box scores are all unique in some way. Tell us the significance of each-- a play, a result, a first, a mistake, a moment. Taking Roger Clemens as an example, we might have chosen the box scores where he struck out 20 batters (twice), or the game where he drilled Mike Piazza in the skull. The very first All-Star Game, or the very first appearance of the San Diego Chicken. You may now throw out the first guess.

Oh, go ahead, look it up. What was the name of Portugal's first gay newspaper?
TRIVIA

This is the last question of the Newspapers Super Bonus. Therefore, what number should go here?
--30--