Edward Fortyhands Turbo

Edward Fortyhands Turbo is an extreme, Williams-born variant of Edward Fortyhands, a game played by revelrous college students throughout the Union. A regular round of Edward Fortyhands consists of duct-taping forties to the palms of participants; they are forbidden from removing the bottles until all of the liquid has been consumed. Since the forties are served chilled, the constant dermal contact with the bottles can hurt, and so players drink to simultaneously alleviate and dull the pain.

However, once upon a time, a Williams student observed a disheartening sluggishness in his peers' consumption. Perhaps the cold January wind had already numbed all their digits to the bottle's chilly ache; perhaps they wished to savor longer this two-dollar honey-hued ambrosia; but regardless of the cause, his friends sipped their malt liquor with a troubling apathy. If not the pain of cold--if not the pleasure of drink--what could impel these men to imbibe with a zeal proper to this ancient sport?

"Men," he announced to the room, "you have about eight minutes to finish your forties."

They looked bemused. "The hell are you talking about?" someone asked.

The proud shine of genius entered his eye.

"I just called Security."

Thus was born Edward Fortyhands: Turbo.