My Dad

My dad was in the navy. He still has a sword from it. Does your dad sail a yacht? How would he feel about a huge-ass destroyer with loads of missiles? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well my dad played pro basketball in Greece and was on the team that won the European Championship. He's 6 feet, 8 inches tall and can still dunk with with ease. Does your dad have mad hops? How would he feel about a little 1 on 1? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

So? My dad was an army artillery officer. He also has a black belt (3rd dan) in tae kwon do. Does your dad want my dad to kick his ass? How would he feel about sparring? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh, really? Yeah, well, my dad used to fly a stunt helicopter in movies. Did your dad see that movie, "Apocalypse Down?" Is it true that your dad can't make his riding lawnmower work? How would your dad feel about my dad showing him how to mow the lawn - with a helicopter? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Ya? Well my dad was in the Coast Guard. He was a tableman, which is super hard core Coast Guard talk for a waiter. His boat released weather balloons in the north atlantic. Could your dad wipe an officer's butt? How would your dad feel if he was waiting for his food and he found my dad's pubes in it? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that all? Well my dad used to be a bounty hunter. He tracked down hardened criminals like a great white shark following a trail of blood in the ocean. Could your dad lay the smack down on a mafia leader? How would your dad feel about my dad subjecting him to a full cavity search? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Really? Well, I would like to counter by asserting that my father was and is one of the world's most accomplished sophists. His rhetorical skills are at their best when employed in a totally cynical matter, and when they are so employed they are truly devastating. His insincerity and histrionics are the non pareil. So how would your dad feel about having the weaker argument come to appear the stronger, and thereby finding himself unexpectedly overthrown from a seemingly secure rhetorical position -- in short, about having the proverbial rug pulled out from under his proverbial feet through the dark arts of unabashèd sophistry? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Okay? My dad used to be a robot bodyguard for Jim Morrison. He could understand lasers, speak 6 robot languages, and walk sideways... while spinning his head 360 degrees to scare intruders. How would your dad feel about never having to take a break from using designer rockstar drugs to sleep, eat, or wash his hands? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that so? My dad is the narrator from Robert A. Heinlein's -All You Zombies-. He was born a functional hermaphrodite and grew up to be a time-travelling bartender. Then he t.t.ed to his own past to kidnap himself and forced himself to come with him back in time to when he was 17 to seduce and impregnate himself. A year later, just before his 18 year old counter part had the sexual identity reconstruction operation, he stole her/his baby and took it back in time to be trained as a bartender. So in conclusion, my dad is my mom AND their only child, who is also me. How would your dad feel if he knew were he came from, but then had to ask somebody else about all the zombies? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Huh? Well, my dad is actually Your Mom. How would your dad feel if he had another family on the side AND had to hide his pregnancy for nine months? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

But, anyway... My dad is strong and powerful. You know it, cuz he lives in Green Up. One time, he and my mom were driving on the highway in a bad snowstorm, and my mom hit some ice and skidded so that the front of the car was off the road and the back of the car was still in the righthand lane of traffic. She tried to steer the car out of this position, but the snow prevented her from doing that. There were cars approaching at high speeds, and visibility was so bad that they might not have braked in time. So my dad got out of the car, picked up the back end of it, and moved that end off the road. How would your dad feel if he was colorblind? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh? Actually, my dad used to be a travelling salesman. All up and down the East Coast, that was his territory. In all of the small towns, they knew him by name. In all of the big cities, they knew him by name. Even when he was older and kind of ugly, he had an affair with this hot young lady. How would your dad feel about talking to his dead brother that went off adventuring to find gold? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that a fact? Well, my dad is God. How would your dad feel about total omnipotence? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh really? Well, my dad is an atheist. When I was a little boy, my dad told me that your dad is all a big lie. How would your dad feel about my dad not giving a shit? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Don't be so sure. My dad is Morty Schapiro. He heads up the best school in the Purple Valley, not to mention in the country, or the rest of the world, and sports a wicked white beard. Everyone loves Morty, and even if they try to tell him what to do, he doesn't listen, because he's a total badass. He is also the little-known leader of an underground street racing circuit in Bennington. How would your dad feel about getting the liberal arts kicked out of him? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Are you serious? Well, my dad weighs two and a half tons. He keeps sandwiches in his back pocket and strung around his waist in a little backback that looks like a purse next to his gargantuan figure. How would your dad feel if my dad were ahead of him in line at Subway and bought EVERYTHING? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Hold up! My Dad actually invented crack, opium, and morphine. Not only that, but he makes new and improved batches every day, which he tests personally. How would your dad feel about playing the "who's feeling worse emotional pain" game with my dad. I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Let the games begin...