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- Stay as cool as he is because no other college president knows how to keep it real the way our Morty does.
- Play Beirut with me
- Sponsor "Forties with Morty." On his front lawn. Or perhaps Forties at Morty's.
- Morty Fortyhands!
- Splash some crazy colored paint on those black jeans.
- Three words: water-slide (the third word is just a Napoleon accent).
- Make Mountain Day a daily event
- Come to Stoney Ledge on Mountain Day!
- Deep-six anchor housing. Like, literally. Strap the idea to a big ol' anchor and chuck it in the briny deep.
- See Brent Yorgey's humor piece on that subject here.
- Move New York City 30 mins from campus.
- Make a public speech announcing that he henceforth wishes to be referred to as "The Hammer".
- Use proceeds from the $400M Capital Campaign to buy an iced-out medallion in the shape of the new Student Center to wear around his neck at all times. Then, inscribe the words, "Morton Owen 'Big Thangs' Schapiro" on said medallion.