My Dad

My dad was in the navy. He still has a sword from it. Does your dad sail a yacht? How would he feel about a huge-ass destroyer with loads of missiles? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well my dad played pro basketball in Greece and was on the team that won the European Championship. He's 6 feet, 8 inches tall and can still dunk with with ease. Does your dad have mad hops? How would he feel about a little 1 on 1? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

So? My dad was an army artillery officer. He also has a black belt (3rd dan) in tae kwon do. Does your dad want my dad to kick his ass? How would he feel about sparring? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh, really? Yeah, well, my dad used to fly a stunt helicopter in movies. Did your dad see that movie, Apocalypse Now? Is it true that your dad can't make his riding lawnmower work? How would your dad feel about my dad showing him how to mow the lawn - with a helicopter? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Ya? Well my dad was in the Coast Guard. He was a tableman, which is super hard core Coast Guard talk for a waiter. His boat released weather balloons in the north atlantic. Could your dad wipe an officer's butt? How would your dad feel if he was waiting for his food and he found my dad's pubes in it? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that all? Well my dad used to be a bounty hunter. He tracked down hardened criminals like a great white shark following a trail of blood in the ocean. Could your dad lay the smack down on a mafia leader? How would your dad feel about my dad subjecting him to a full cavity search? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Really? Well, I would like to counter by asserting that my father was and is one of the world's most accomplished sophists. His rhetorical skills are at their best when employed in a totally cynical matter, and when they are so employed they are truly devastating. His insincerity and histrionics are the non pareil. So how would your dad feel about having the weaker argument come to appear the stronger, and thereby finding himself unexpectedly overthrown from a seemingly secure rhetorical position -- in short, about having the proverbial rug pulled out from under his proverbial feet through the dark arts of unabashèd sophistry? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Okay? My dad used to be a robot bodyguard for Jim Morrison. He could understand lasers, speak 6 robot languages, and walk sideways... while spinning his head 360 degrees to scare intruders. How would your dad feel about never having to take a break from using designer rockstar drugs to sleep, eat, or wash his hands? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that so? My dad is the narrator from Robert A. Heinlein's All You Zombies. He was born a functional hermaphrodite and grew up to be a time-travelling bartender. Then he t.t.ed to his own past to kidnap himself and forced himself to come with him back in time to when he was 17 to seduce and impregnate himself. A year later, just before his 18 year old counter part had the sexual identity reconstruction operation, he stole her/his baby and took it back in time to be trained as a bartender. So in conclusion, my dad is my mom AND their only child, who is also me. How would your dad feel if he knew were he came from, but then had to ask somebody else about all the zombies? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Huh? Well, my dad is actually Your Mom. How would your dad feel if he had another family on the side AND had to hide his pregnancy for nine months? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

But, anyway... My dad is strong and powerful. One time, he and my mom were driving on the highway in a bad snowstorm, and my mom hit some ice and skidded so that the front of the car was off the road and the back of the car was still in the righthand lane of traffic. She tried to steer the car out of this position, but the snow prevented her from doing that. There were cars approaching at high speeds, and visibility was so bad that they might not have braked in time. So my dad got out of the car, picked up the back end of it, and moved that end off the road. How would your dad feel about being colorblind? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh? Actually, my dad used to be a travelling salesman. All up and down the East Coast, that was his territory. In all of the small towns, they knew him by name. In all of the big cities, they knew him by name. Even when he was older and kind of ugly, he had an affair with this hot young lady. How would your dad feel about talking to his dead brother that went off adventuring to find gold? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that a fact? Well, my dad is God. How would your dad feel about total omnipotence? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh really? Well, my dad is an atheist, and around the time you learned that Santa Claus was really your parents, I learned that God is really a fabrication of the priest class designed to dupe everybody else into renouncing reason and believing that human freedom is unimportant and that misery will be rewarded in some sort of afterlife. How would your dad feel about being told that existence is a fleeting, meaningless void? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Don't be so sure. My dad is Morty Schapiro. He heads up the best school in the Purple Valley, not to mention in the country, or the rest of the world, and sports a wicked white beard. Everyone loves Morty, and even if they try to tell him what to do, he doesn't listen, because he's a total badass. He is also the little-known leader of an underground street racing circuit in Bennington. How would your dad feel about getting the liberal arts kicked out of him? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Are you serious? Well, my dad weighs two and a half tons. He keeps sandwiches in his back pocket and strung around his waist in a little backback that looks like a purse next to his gargantuan figure. How would your dad feel if my dad were ahead of him in line at Subway and bought EVERYTHING? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Hold up! My dad actually invented crack, opium, and morphine. Not only that, but he makes new and improved batches every day, which he tests personally. How would your dad feel about playing the "who's feeling worse emotional pain" game with my dad? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that all? My dad spent our entire family fortune buying somebody else's soul on Ebay. Since then, our family has found countless uses for this extra soul. I can't even begin to explain how much better our lives have been because of it. "The truth of a single soul is inexpressible," my dad told me while our mom was softly crying in the corner. How would your dad feel about not being able to forcefeed his youngest son a second soul? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Are you kidding me? My dad drinks gasoline to wash down his lunch. This one time, he walked into a gas station and just pumped that golden liquid straight down his throat in front of everybody. How would your dad feel if he were to pull into a gas station and realize that his hummer was more fuel-efficient than my father? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Big deal. My dad is really rich. He basically does whatever he wants. How would your dad like it if, on your parents' 25th anniversary, my dad reserved every table at every restaurant in America, and didn't let your parents sit at any of them? How would your dad like it if my dad bought up all the adult diapers in the country and dumped them on your front lawn? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

So what... My dad is really an alien. He has sweet telepathy skills, and he invented the internet. How would your dad feel if he saw my dad's thirty-foot retractable penis? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Whoopdeefreakindoo. My dad? He's DEAD. How would your dad feel if he were dead? I would guess that he wouldn't feel anything at all, because he'd be dead.

That's terrible. But my dad? He's UNDEAD. That's right—he's a zombie. Not even a magazineful of gunfire can stop him from hungrily hobbling towards your dad at an unflagging 1 mph. Also, when he moans, it's very scary. How would your dad feel if my dad took out his frustration about being stuck in purgatory forever by beating your dad into submission with the limbs of the guy he ate for breakfast? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

So I should be intimidated by that? Come on! My dad is a used to be a Jedi, until he became a Sith lord. While he can snap a person’s neck with the power of his mind, he prefers to use his light saber – so much more civilized. How would your dad feel if he was being laced with my dad’s Force Lightning? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh give me a break! My dad used to be an embryo. Then he turned into a fetus and finally was born after which he became my liberal, Kerry-voting dad. How would your dad feel if when he was an embryo, he found out that my dad was pro-choice? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Does this face look frightened? My dad works for the Department of Homeland Security. He has like Level 4 clearance, which means he can put anyone who looks like they have "turban hair" on the terrorist watch list. How would your dad like to be capillarily profiled? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Big whoop. My dad is Catullus. He's one of the foremost poets of ancient Rome. How would your dad like it if his writings were forever memorialized by my dad as "cacata carta", which is Latin for "paper having been shat out of my exceedingly tight anus"? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

That's nothing. My dad is a wizard at technology. He could borrow all of your dad's copies of your childhood videos and edit them so that it was just him alone on the tapes. How would your dad feel then when he watched them again and began to question whether his family really existed? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

My dad got caught rapelling off of Thompson Memorial Chapel in 1970. How would your dad feel if he got kicked out of school and had to support his family on a pitiful income, but his legacies got in anyway? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Hah! People can't believe my dad's coming to speak at Williams. They're in absolute shock that such a big shot is coming. How would your dad feel when he realizes that no one's excited over him? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well, they wouldn't let my dad on campus, because he's too much of a security concern. He's so much of a callous badass that he punched a police officer in the face because the moronic pig threatened to charge him with "risk of endangerment to a minor", whatever that is. My dad would totally murderalize your dad, because he just doesn't give a shit. How would your dad feel about being on a jury trying my dad for child abuse, only to have my dad develop paranoid delusions about your dad and bore thousands of tiny holes in his skull with a auger to release the demons infesting his soul? And how would he feel about having raised such liberal pansy-waist kids because he "spared the rod", the fist, the hammer and the shotgun? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well, my dad could whip your dad with his nuclear submarine. How would your dad feel to know that the fact that he has slept with your mom pales in comparison to my dad, who has slept with a nuclear warhead? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Is that so? Well my dad was a dirty hippie with hair down to his waist who drove a Volkswagen Beetle and went to Woodstock. He told me once that he didn't remember his sophomore year of College, because he was so high. He tried to teach me how to roll joints once, and said he could do it better than anyone he knew. He protested for peace, and burned his draft card. He's a lawyer now, but back then he wanted everyone, including your dad, to stop the fighting and just make love, not war. How would your dad feel knowing that he had chosen to make war? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Truly? MY dad enjoys watersports. He once told me a story about filling a waterbottle with urine and then spraying it all over his girlfriend during sex. That's pretty disgusting. How would your dad feel after discovering that my dad isn't just really into waterskiing and swimming, but actually has a sexual fetish involving pee? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well my dad is part of the hetero-normative linguistic culture. The entire world is his heterosexual pride party. How would your dad feel if he wrote a pseudo-intellectual postmodern critique of my dad’s linguistic tendencies, and my dad didn’t even understand it, much less care? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Loser. My dad is part of the solution. He is uber-liberal and totally cool with everyone regardless of their sexuality. He is sooo cool with queer folk; he comes within like one centimeter of being gay himself. How would your hetero-normative dad feel if my dad cock-slapped him in every public forum on campus and basically reduced him to passive agressively turning his failure and public humiliation into a "My Dad" wiki joke? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Not so fast. MY dad is a ninja. He is totally sweet. This one time he and my mom were walking down the street and he just totally uppercutted this kid for NO REASON. How would your dad feel if my dad flipped out and killed your entire extended family? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

I'm shaking in my little space boots. Please! My dad is Dan Rooney. He is a totally badass, nihilistic, blog-wizard who enjoys nothing better then cutting down the dim-witted with his scathing, sardonic rhetoric. Plus, he begat me when he was like two. How would your dad feel about not being able to buy cheap manufactured goods or produce at Walmart because my dad keeps illegal aliens from crossing the border, thus protecting the job market and real Americans? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

You sure about that? Well my dad is an illegal immigrant. He works 5 jobs and over 90 hours a week. He works for less than 5% of what your dad works for, but when he brings it back home to our third world country, he is more loaded than anyone else in the village. How would your dad feel if he found out that 10% of the money he blew on a law degree could have made him a millionaire in my dad's homeland? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well, guess what? My dad is The Man. No, really, he's like, The Man. My dad ruined the ozone layer and burned down the Amazon and kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank. Does your dad run his own business? How would your dad feel if he knew that my dad not only controlled the entire North American military-industrial complex but also owns every transnational media and entertainment conglomerate and topples democratically-elected governments on a regular basis, just for kicks? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well, my dad is Your Dad. That makes us siblings! How would your dad feel about me showing up on his doorstep and claiming to be his long-lost child? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh, really? Well, my dad is a dolphin. That's right, an actual dolphin. Did you know that the military is training dolphins to aid in combat? Have you heard that dolphins can not only sing, but they can also repeat patterns of notes sung to them? How would your dad feel if my dad not only could do cool flips in the air and eat raw fish, but was also best friends with Flipper? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

My dad eats dolphins for breakfast and clubs baby seals before he makes love to large numbers of women. How would your dad feel if my dad clubbed your mom and then made love to a dead baby seal? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Well, my dad owns the world's largest distributor of bestial underwater pornography, and earns $45,000,000 a year just by selling videos and DvDs of people making love to dead baby seals. How would your dad feel if he learned that while he had sex with dead baby seals for $6.75 an hour, my dad was filming the whole thing and selling it for millions of dollars? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

O yeah? My Dad is a shadier dude than your dad. In his twenties, he dropped out from law school to play professional sports. In his thirties, about half of his income came from ripping people off while playing poker. In his forties, he traveled all around the world, and could speak 6 weird different languages. How would your dad feel if he got ripped off in poker by a shady jock who can speak in an obscure Moravian dialect of Czech? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Well, my dad is a spammer. How would your dad feel about getting his completely unsecured wiki vandalized? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Oh yeah? Well, my dad has three citizenships, including British, Canadian, and American. When he immigrates to a new country, no one can understand his accent, making him the original International Man of Mystery. Plus, he has multiple choices of countries to flee to, should the need arise. How would your dad feel if my dad force-fed him some haggis, poutine, and blood pudding, all mixed together? Both physically and emotionally, I would guess that he would feel terrible.

Bitch, please. My dad's entire digestive system is made of steel. He gargles with spring-scented laundry detergent. He bleaches his teeth with pure carbamide peroxide. How would your dad feel when his own dental fitness pales in comparison? I would guess that he would feel terrible.

As if. Being a one-third Scottish, my dad is immune to any form of dentistry known to man. Moreover, I worked in a factory that printed the boxes for this “spring-scented” laundry detergent (or rather, the dryer sheets). How would your Dad feel, knowing that the spring-scented laundry detergent boxes in his house have not been selected according to print register, correct color tone, and overall attractiveness, by someone who would know? I guess that he would feel terrible.