Changes

Anders grew up on a small radish farm on the outskirts of Chicago, and was introduced as a boy to his lifelong love of bodybuilding through wrestling pigs on his neighbor's ranch. After training for years, he voyaged to Germany, and tried out for the German Olympic Greco-Roman Oil Wrestling team. Unfortunately, due to a doping scandal, the German team was disqualified, and Anders was stranded in Czechoslovakia. He fell in with a group of freedom fighters dedicated to overthrowing the corrupt Czechoslovakian government, and, for one glorious summer day in 1999, victory was theirs, and Anders Erik Schneider was declared Grand Czar of the newly founded sovereign nation, Torquemenistan. Unfortunately for our intrepid young lad, the nation was again overthrown approximately three hours after Anders took office, and he was once again stranded in Eastern Europe. Through a series of adventures that he "doesn't like to talk about", he was able to accrue enough money to bribe a guard to look the other way at a marina on the coast of Greece, and he was able to abscond with a fishing vessel, which he then sailed around the horn of Africa, and took up residence in Tibet, where, after running into a monk at a street vendor's cart while attempting to "find out where I can buy tacos, bro", he was then taken to a monastery, and tested thoroughly by the monks. They discovered that his midi-chlorians were off the charts, and he was slated to become the next Dalai Lama. However, due to a nasty incident involving several goats, a gallon of pancake batter, and a tube of toothpaste, Andy was banished from the monastery, never to return. Following this disappointment, Andy trekked upwards into China, helping villagers along the way in return for delicious Chinese food, and as a result, he can no longer look moo shu pork in the face. Once Andy reached Beijing, he fell into the seedy underworld of the Triads, quickly rising through their ranks due to his ruthless attitude and loyalty to the gang. However, Andy's life would soon take a turn for the better, as it was in the home of one of his victims that he first saw a pair of beautiful tropical platyhelminthes (or aquatic flatworms, for the uninitiated) engaging in the marvelous art of penis fencing. He at once fled China on a rickety rowboat, vowing to become a world renowned marine biologist. However, rowboats are not widely known for their seaworthiness, and after being shipwrecked off the coast of Alaska, and rescued by the ship Time Bandit from TV's Deadliest Catch, Andy was invited to join the crew, and he spent several winters catching king crab in the Bering Sea. His days were long and grueling, and his nights filled with loose women and strong drink. Still, his dream of becoming a marine biologist burned on at the back of his mind, and he eventually left Alaska, and began to backpack through the Canadian wilderness, set on reaching California. His food supplies, consisting mostly of "borrowed" crab lasted roughly two weeks, at which point, driven by hunger, he stalked a grizzly bear back to it's cave, and, falling upon it with a ravenous desire for a bellyful of bear meat, killed the bear with his bare hands, skinned it with it's own claw, and then ate it raw. The five hundred plus pounds of bear meat he consumed over the course of the next few hours gave him fuel to lumber through the wilderness, eventually making it to the US by roping a wild moose and riding it for the last three hundred miles. Thus did Andy come to rest in Seattle, Washington, a city widely renowned for being "the greatest city on Earth". Andy studied at the University of Washington for a time, impressing his professors and peers with his intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the universe. After discovering the secrets of weight loss without diet and exercise, easy and pain free penis enlargement, and cold fusion, Andy decided to journey to California, particularly Santa Barbara, in hopes of being accepted to the marine biology program at UCSB. Unfortunately, due to an airline mixup, he ended up in Williamstown, Massachusetts, where he was immediately snatched up by Morty Schapiro, who proclaimed him to be the "academic version of the second coming", and instated him as a student at Williams College, where he now resides as a physics major, who dreams at night of swimming with the fish, and finally discovering their secrets. Additionally, little to none of the above is at all close to being true.