Ted Wiles

Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles

Born c. 1920, Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles is both the question and its answer, thesis and antithesis. He is a paradox of time and energy. Explanations of his existence were the impetus for the development of both relativity and later quantum field theory in 20th century physics. After conquering the power of zero point energy, Theodore traveled back in time and made love to a woman. Three months later that woman gave birth to a 14 lbs son, Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles. The year was 1920.

While meditating in the wilderness during wartime, Theodore carved ten jokes onto two stone tablets. Later, during a fight with forty bears and fourteen stray sasquii, Theodore unleashed the power of the eye of Thundera, inadvertently ripping a hole in space time for a brief period. The bears and sasquii were killed. The two tablets were lost in the fight. It was later concluded, after confirming with Theodore, that they became the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament.

As a boy, Theodore looked at a tree and felt a sudden urge to write furiously. What emerged was the currently accepted proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. He gave the proof to Andrew Wiles, his distant cousin, in order to escape celebrity and intellectual renown. Scholars are still debating this move, but the current thinking is that he did it to avoid scrutiny from the IRS. He has never paid taxes.

Once, over a log fire between a small group of friends, it was claimed that he has climbed all seven of the world's tallest mountains without oxygen and the use of his legs. It has been said that his only emotional ties lie in photosynthetic representations of Felis silvestris catus.

Theodore Wiles has never had a blog.