WOMAN: Usually, I never let gentlemen inside my apartment after a first date.
MAN: That's alright, we can just sit here and talk. Here, let me carry your breasts over to the couch for you.
(increasing moans)
WOMAN: Slow down a second, wait, let me move my leg. I'm sitting on my lipstick.
MAN: Um... that's NOT a lipstick case.
WOMAN: Gee. It looks very much like a penis.... only smaller! You know, I'm feeling kind of tired. Did I mention I'm a narcoleptic? You know the way out. (fake snoring)
MAN: Oh, cruel, cruel nature! Curse your phallic trickery! Why have you given me a mere nub, where other men swing such a rich bounty? Shall I always be doomed to purchase Jergen's Lotion by the case?
VOICE: Hold on there, pardner! You may be hung like Stuart Little, but have you ever considered TRIVIA?
MAN: TRIVIA? Why, no! Tell me more!
VOICE: TRIVIA is the dynamic love force that no woman's knees can withstand! They'll snap apart like a jackknifed tractor trailer!
MAN: Sounds great! But how does this ÒTRIVIAÓ work?
VOICE: It's actually a simple and painless procedure. And all you have to do is Click Here To Get Huge.
MAN: Click Here To Get Huge?
VOICE: That's right, Click Here To Get Huge.
VOICE #2: SIX MINUTES LATER!
MAN: Okay, you can stop faking being asleep. It's obvious to both of us that the puny size of my equipment couldn't satisfy Rhea Perlman. I'm leaving now. But before I go, I just want to say that the only major league baseball player with six fingers on one hand is Antonio Alfonseca.
WOMAN: Wha-- WHAT did you just say?
MAN: And did you know that the first "Wheel of Fortune" letter that Vanna White ever turned over was a T?
WOMAN: Ooooh, what are you doing to me? My loins are aflame!
MAN: Alaska is the only state without an official motto. Charlie Brown's father was a barber. And the only Oscar-nominated film with three asterisks in its title was "M*A*S*H"!
WOMAN: I'm wet! I'm wanton! I must be had!
VOICE #2: SIX MINUTES LATER!
WOMAN: Ohhhh, that was wonderful. I'm not sure I actually felt anything, and yet somehow your mastery of Marvel Comics secret identities has finally taught me what it is to be a woman! Thank you, useless knowledge stud!
MAN: And thank YOU, Trivia!
WOMAN (cooing): You know, I've heard that Trivia lasts for eight hours....
MAN: Yoiks!
(*accompanied by a menacing group photo of the Jets, from "West Side Story")
The Original Cast:
It's Des-lightful, It's Des-licious, It's Des Devlin
Heath "Guys and" Dill
Dom "Thank Heaven for Little" Grillo
Amy "Get Your" Gugig
Steve "Okla" Homer
Richard H. "If Ever I Would" Levey
Eric Lindholm, Bienvenue, Wilkommen
Fred "How Are Things in Glocca" Moore
Karen "Bring in Da Noize, Bring in" von Haam
"Kiss Me" Kim Wadsworth
These wide-eyed ingenues closed out of town, after 1 award-winning spring performance:
Larry Ascher Aquarius
Laurie Brink-adoon
Jesse Dill Superstar
You're a Good Man, Craig Ganzer
Ben "You Is My Woman Now" Isecke
Kelly "Oh, What a Beautiful" Morgen
Dave "The Subject Was" Ramos
Diana Tenery "Was Mine"
The Tom White Way
One singular Seth Zaren
Our invaluable angels, understudies, and stage door johnnies:
James Cohen & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Jeff "Is Bustin' Out All Over" Cohen
Mark "I Enjoy Being A" Giloni
Paul Kahn-Kahn
Virgil "Wouldn't It Be Lover" Lee
Climb Dave Melanson
John "The Sound of" Melesky
Bruce "A Bushel and a" Paddock
(*NOTE: There were other invaluable volunteers who showed up after the roster was "finalized." We thank ALL these Phantoms of the Drop-In.)
Don't Cry for Us, Williamstown
(Save your pity for whichever team has to run the next contest!)