By overwhelming consensus one of the greatest intros, this one packed in so many in-jokes that you could read through this entire archive twice and still only understand 80% of them. And so, if there are several references herein that you don't get-- um, I forget-- do WE pity you, or do YOU pity us?
(NOTE: We have obtained a version of the intro script that contains SPECIAL EXTRA BONUS JOKES that did not make the final, on-air intro. Consider them the Director's Cut. They are notated, then included at the end, so as not to interrupt the humor flow that Tongue-Tongue felt best. But I like #1 and #3.)
Intro to Spring '97 Contest
VO: Ah, "Gentle Tongue-Tongue, he weeps for he but one small tongue with which to taste an entire world." The name alone conjures up image after image of the very Ur-essence of Williams Trivia: Beautiful, yet dangerous women. The tawdry seduction of Mountain Dew. Dom Grillo's Pants. Pants in general. Pants, pants, pants. But to truly KNOW a Trivia team, we have to explore its origins. For Tongue-Tongue, it all started back in the Fall of 1969 in one of the very first Trivia contests ever. As many people know, Tongue-Tongue was one of the first teams to break away from the tradition of naming themselves after the house they lived in. As is typical of such a highly politicized team, Tongue-Tongue's name touched on the sensitive issue of co-education which was to happen so soon at Williams. However, the team "Let's Get Some Goddamn Chicks At This Place" did not fare too well in their first contest. Let's listen in on that first night..."
"What's that? Ham?" "No, it's a Super Bonus." "Well, Rich already ate it." "Mmmmmm."
VO: But Tongue-Tongue's first real watershed year was 1973, in which they won the Spring contest for the first time, playing under the name "The Express Written Consent of Major League Baseball." The next Fall, running the contest, Tongue-Tongue introduced several things which were to become staples of Trivia. For example, the first Action Trivia ever. This was followed shortly by the first irrational on-air rant:
"E. Burres Stigano: I gotta say, we were disappointed. This was a rich, promising action concept, but NOTHING you did was funny. Even I can list about twelve hilarious things about the Gadsden Purchase, and I don't even have an occipital lobe. You SUCK! You get a ZERO!"
VO: The 1973 contest also featured some.... memorable questions and boni:
"Here's Derek to read the results of the Colostomy Super."
"Okay. And the answer to question 87 was --- false. The song was Gotterdammerung by Wagner."
VO. That fateful contest changed Trivia forever, and launched a Trivia dynasty and christen what was to become the most dominant force in Trivia history. Tongue-Tongue next won again, playing under the name "Four Thousand Throats May be Cut in One Night by a Running Man," in the Fall of 1975. The Spring '76 contest then featured the debut of another Trivia staple: The first ultra bonus ever, "Things Rich Flynn Hates," giving teams up to 40 clues per hour. This was later shortened to the usual three by subsequent, wussier teams. (They were on the list.) Perhaps the most memorable moment of the Spring '76 contest was the first on-air proposal ever:
"Question 38: Harvey, will you marry me?" (begin playing "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes).
VO: In addition, there were some rather controversial action boni this year.
"OK ... Scores on the "Ridicule your favorite Minority group" action were pretty low overall.... and nobody picked the Jews! And they say they're the chosen people. What a crock."
"Flatulence in Kansas: a good Haldeman and Ehrlichman, and a really good Nixon dream sequence. Unfortunately, we really did mean "Deep Throat," the movie. Two points."
VO: Incredibly, Tongue-Tongue won their own contest that year by detaching their most able member "Derek!" Hays as a one man trivia machine. Team "Derek!" ran a shaky contest the next Fall:
Derek: "You can all bite me! Stop calling! You never talked to me before, and I'm not gonna talk to you now!"
VO: Yet somehow Tongue-Tongue won that contest too under the name "I Must Go Seek Wisdom and Its Bastard Son Truth," and was able to introduce a major innovation during their next contest in the Spring of '77: The audio bonus.
"Chicago 60609: congratulations! You were the only team to figure out that all thirty clips on the audio bonus were from the song "Innocent Man" by Billy Joel. Way to go!"
"Okay, now, remember: you only have three more hours to complete the John Tesh Super Bonus."
VO: And who could forget some of the unbelievable questions and boni from this contest?
"OK -- score on the Python/Hitchhiker's Guide Hour Bonus ... Who are we kidding? EVERYBODY got a IO." (festive cheers & laughter)
"The Answer to Question 31: Penis, penis, penis, penis. The song was "Penis" by Penis." "Penis."
**DELETIONS #3 AND #4
VO: After a short dry spell, not winning for several contests, Tongue-Tongue got bitter. They finally won again under the intentionally annyoing name "I Hate Grapes, I Can't Stand Grapes. I Loathe Grapes, All Kinds of Grapes. I Hate Purple Grapes, I Hate Green Grapes. I Hate Grapes With Seeds, I hate Grapes Without Seeds. I Hate them Peeled, and not peeled. I Hate Grapes in Bunches, One at a time, or groups of Twos and Threes. I Friggin' Hate Grapes!" The Spring '84 contest introduced the ever-popular InstaBoni:"
"The first team to contract smallpox gets a point." (further away)"Or polio." "Yeah, polio too. Rock on Brian."
"Be the first team to come down and rule hard."
"Hey! Time for another Insta-Bonus! For one point, be the first team to come down and vomit on Rich Flynn. Oh, and the best vomit will get a point too."
"Please stop kissing Nathan. He's bleeding from his gums." "Cool."
VO: This contest also featured some truly unbelievable Boni:
"Scores on the "Reenact Chris Roosenrad's Wedding" Action Bonus ... I don't think I've ever seen an action bonus more fundamentally disturbing than this before. And to those few teams who decided to take us on the honeymoon ... No, no, no, no, NO!"
"Here are the 3:00 Ultra bonus clues: Ebola, Ebola, Bolas."
"Groovy Palindromic Antidisestablismentarist Floccaucinihilipilificating Vomitrocious Bildungsdromans .... Instruments alone do not make a good action Trivia, but it was cool that you fit that short blonde chick entirely within the Sousaphone. You get a 2."
"The answer to the Ultra bonus, for those of you who never figured it out, was 'Words That Are Either 'Bolas' or 'Ebola'.'
VO: And the rest, as we say, is history. After this contest, Tongue-Tongue split into six different teams due to "irreconciliable differences." Following several tension-filled contests, running under names such as "Economical Food Circus," "At Night, The Ice Weasels Come," and "We Are Not in the Eighth Dimension. We Are Over New Jersey," the team finally overcame its differences and reformed as "Shiny Happy Tupperware of Doom" for the Fall '93 contest. And the rest you know.
Their big comeback as "Elvis Needs Boats" set tongues a-waggin', as did their crucial tie with "We Make Holes in Teeth" while playing under the name "Certain Unnamed Persons in Taffetta." And now we have arrived at the present, Spring of 1997 Contest. But lest you figure that Tongue-Tongue is as perfect as we seem, let's just examine some of the, shall we say, less than perfect moments in Tongue-Tongue's history."
"OK. Fresh teams: The PUS line is just a nickname. Ew. Please come wipe this off." (random laughing in background)
"We're having trouble turning Derek on ... does anyone out there know how to operate him? Please call us at x2l97 if you do." Derek: "Do." (someone running in, shouting) "He's up!" "Never mind."
"Okay, we'll have the final scores for you in just one minute. In the meantime, here's the complete Dave Matthews discography."
"Scores on the Pedophilia Super Bonus ... Perhaps some people don't realize th at "Bonus" is ONE WORD!"
VO: But we expect tonight's contest to be perfect, So sit back, relax, and let the vibes flow through. Trivia not only moves, it can remove, dig? This is Tongue-Tongue saying, "WE CAN TASTE YOUR BACK!"
#1: (Random running, whimpering, etc.) "Hey, did anyone pick up the first bonus?" "No. We were scared of the Bad Men."
#2: "And the answer to question 42: It was a trick question. Catherine the Great never had a pet halibut, so it would be impossible."
#3: "Question 16. Realm: Books Of Our Youth. Subrealm: Of Your Youth, Maybe. This is a three-point play. There have been 168 "Sweet Valley High" books. Name any 100 for a point, and all 168 for two points."
#4: "Phasers on Chum: You didn't have any trivia in your skit at all, but you are all hot. 5 points."
#5: "You've only got fifteen minutes to finish up the Hawley-Smoot Bonus."
#6: "For the four o'clock "Stoning" bonus, will all those without sin please report to Baxter Lounge to break out the whup-ass on Rich. Don't miss."
#7: "Hold on. We're trying to get a guest announcer on the line. He's calling in this question from Baxter Lounge...oh, we've seem to have lost him."