| 314 | The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things |
| 283 | A Thermos of Phlegm |
| 246 | It Goes To "Eleven" |
| 241 | Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills |
| 230 | We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her |
| 209 | Manhattan Skyliners |
| 135 | I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing (top freshman team) |
| 134 | Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme (playing out of Sage) |
| 131 | Abnormal Foreplay |
| 22 | Ole Horsie |
| 14 | Yar |
| 10 | A Sandwich Is a Sandwich, But a Des-Wich Is a Meal |
| 10 | Stop - Pay Troll |
| 6 | People Sitting Near Dom Grillo |
| 4 | Trees Without a Purpose |
| 3 | Sickly, Pasty-Looking People Who Probably Live in the BBQ |
| 2 | Yes, Sheep Are Difficult |
| 2 | Vastly Oversexed Swedes |
| 2 | A Herring is Not a Piece of Fruit |
| 1 | Crazy Aunt in the Cellar |
| 1 | Branch Davidian Flambe |
A CASE OF 'MILITARY' INTELLIGENCE
Most Trivia blowouts are tension-free, steamroller affairs. But the May 1993 contest, despite a 27-point win by The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things, was... well, er... less than half that bad.
Military's blitzkrieg was slow in coming. In fact, Purpose of the Military was still in second place as late as the 4 AM break, looking up at eventual runner-ups A Thermos of Phlegm. But unbeknownst to anyone, the contest was effectively over at that point.
Military had just picked up 7 not-yet-scored points on the 1st Super and the 4th Hour. More critically, the second Williamsiana Super had been handed out. A Thermos of Phlegm had just eight members, 6 or 7 of whom had not attended Williams; most of these interlopers had gradually latched onto the contest since the late 1980s. (The 5-0 Ultra Bonus margin for "The Mountains" theme was just rubbing Phlegm's nose in it.) 23 of the 27 points separating A Thermos of Phlegm came directly from Williamsiana. There was a hoof up Thermos' buttcrack, and it was purple.
These two top teams were dead even in Hour Bonus points, 52-52. Thermos did substantially better than Military with on-air questions, 15 points worth, or about 7%. But it wasn't enough to overcome Military's humongous 42-point bulge in Supers and Actions, plus incidentals. (Manhattan Skyliners also did better in on-air question/song-getting than third-best Military-- but Skyliners've never competed fully in boni and Actions while doing so.)
Your Plastic Pal's frequent score updates in the first half showed Thermos of Phlegm in the lead by 3, 3, 5, and 1 points. But the fifth update, reflective of Military's 4 AM point boost, gave them a 155-150 edge over Thermos. Though Phlegm immediately narrowed this with a 7-5 audio bonus win, and perhaps a point or two of their on-air advantage, it was a temporary rush. Military was in the lead to stay.
Not that Purpose of the Military was a burgeoning colossus. They competed with no more than 13-15 players of their own. This era of contests represented something of a nadir in Trivia participation, with teams of not much more than a dozen frequently winning, and 7-to-9-player teams finishing second more than once.
The long-running Python team, It Goes to "Eleven," nipped Your Midsection mostly on the basis of a 20-point advantage in Hour Boni. But at the same time, they were losing three-quarters of that margin to Midsection on the Actions and Supers. Midsection's bonus performance was unusual in that they did fairly well on Supers, second only to Military, but just fifth in Hour Boni. Their 3-3-2 stretch in the Cameos-Bass Lines-1984 boni doomed any aspirations they may have had of 3rd place. With the exception of Military's brutal 22-23 combination punch in Super Boni, bonus scores were notably middling. Only four bonuses were scored as high as an 8, and three of those went to third-place It Goes to "Eleven."
There were no such doldrums in Action Trivia.... or at least there weren't for Military. Netting 30 of the available 35 Action points, Purpose of the Military killed people and broke spirits. While only three opponents could manage one "4" apiece, Military AVERAGED more than a 4 per Action. What could the teams watching this unfold say, except, "War is hell"?
BONUS SCORES: SUPERS: 12:00: Four Ages of Television: Manhattan Skyliners-- 6; We Have a Wench--7; Parsley, Rosemary--9; My Penis-- 9; Your Midsection-- 11; Goes to "Eleven"--13; Abnormal Foreplay--16; Thermos of Phlegm--17; Purpose of Military--22 4:00: Williamsiana: Manhattan Skyliners-- 3; Thermos of Phlegm-- 5; Parsley, Rosemary...-- 6; We Have a Wench--8; Goes to "Eleven"-- 8; Your Midsection-- 15; Purpose of Military-- 23 HOUR BONI 1. (12:00): Plastic Pals (Robots): Yar-- 1; Parsley, Rosemary...--3; Abnormal Foreplay-- 3; My Penis-- 3; Manhattan Skyliners-- 4; Your Midsection-- 4; We Have a Wench--5; Thermos of Phlegm-- 6; Purpose of Military-- 6; Goes to "Eleven"-- 8 2. (1 AM): "Blue" audio: Parsley, Rosemary...-- 4; Abnormal Foreplay-- 5; Your Midsection-- 5; Goes to "Eleven"--- 6; My Penis--6; We Have a Wench--7; Thermos of Phlegm-- 7; Purpose of Military-- 7 3. (2 AM): Album Covers: My Penis-- 3; Parsley, Rosemary...-- 3; We Have a Wench--4; Your Midsection--5; Abnormal Foreplay-- 6; Purpose of Military-- 7; Thermos of Phlegm-- 7; Goes to "Eleven"-- 8 4. (3 AM): Cameos: My Penis-- 2; Your Midsection-- 3; Abnormal Foreplay-- 4; Manhattan Skyliners--4; Parsley, Rosemary...-- 4; Goes to "Eleven"--5; We Have a Wench-- 5; Thermos of Phlegm--5; Purpose of Military-- 7 5. (4 AM): Bass Lines audio: Your Midsection-- 3; My Penis--3; Parsley, Rosemary-- 4; Purpose of Military-- 5; Manhattan Skyliners-- 5; We Have a Wench-- 5; Abnormal Foreplay-- 6; Goes to "Eleven"-- 7; Thermos of Phlegm-- 7 6. (5 AM): 1984 My Penis-- 2; Your Midsection--2; We Have a Wench--2; Manhattan Skyliners--5; Goes to "Eleven"-- 5; Thermos of Phlegm--6; Purpose of Military--7 7. (6 AM): Nonsense Syllables audio My Penis-- 4; Your Midsection--6; Purpose of Military-- 7; Manhattan Skyliners-- 7; We Have a Wench-- 7; Goes to "Eleven"-- 8; Thermos of Phlegm--8 8. (7 AM): Political Cartoons My Penis--3; We Have a Wench--5; Your Midsection--5; Purpose of Military-- 6; Goes to "Eleven"-- 6; Thermos of Phlegm-- 6 ACTION TRIVIA 1. "Hare Jordan" or "Barkley of Seville" ad: We Have a Wench--1; Parsley, Rosemary...-- 1; My Penis-- 1; Your Midsection--2; Thermos of Phlegm--3; Purpose of Military--4 (NOTE: All teams chose "Hare Jordan.") 2. Muppet Show opening: Parsley, Rosemary...-- 2; My Penis-- 2; Your Midsection-- 3; Goes to "Eleven"-- 3; Thermos of Phlegm-- 3; Wench-- 4, Purpose of Military-- 5 3. Mystery Shakespeare Theater 3000: Parsley, Rosemary...-- 2; Goes to "Eleven"--3; Thermos of Phlegm--3; Your Midsection-- 4; Purpose of Military-- 5 (Other scores unavailable... sorry, Wench & Penis.) 4. Rescue 90210: We Have a Wench-- 1; My Penis-- 2; Parsley, Rosemary-- 2; Thermos of Phlegm-- 2; Your Midsection-- 3; Purpose of Military-- 4 5. Waco: What a Cookout!: My Penis-- 2; Thermos of Phlegm-- 3; We Have a Wench--3; Your Midsection-- 3; Purpose of Military-- 4 6. MC Rap Master Nixon Your Midsection-- 2; Thermos of Phlegm-- 3; Goes to "Eleven"-- 4; Purpose of Military-- 5 7. Dockers ad Phlegm-- 1; Military-- 3; Midsection-- 3 4 AM "Build the Enterprise" Lego Challenge: Thermos of Phlegm-- 1; We Have a Wench-- 2; Parsley, Rosemary-- 2; My Penis--2; Goes to "Eleven"-- 2; Purpose of the Military-- 3; Your Midsection-- 4 TEAM-BY-TEAM BREAKDOWNS: 9. Abnormal Foreplay: SUPERS: 16, - HOURS: 3, 5, 6, 4, 6, -, -, - ACTIONS: None 4 AM LEGO TREK: - ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 16 HOUR TOTAL: 24 ACTION TOTAL: 0 8. Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme (playing out of Sage) SUPERS: 9, 6 HOURS: 3, 4, 3, 4, 4, -, -, - ACTIONS: 1, 2, 2, 2, -, -, - 4 AM LEGO TREK: 2 ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 15 HOUR TOTAL: 18 ACTION TOTAL: 7 7. I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing (top freshman team) SUPERS: 9, - HOURS: 3, 6, 3, 2, 3, 2, 4, 3 ACTIONS: 1, 2, ?, 2, 2, -, - 4 AM LEGO TREK: 2 ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 9 HOUR TOTAL: 26 ACTION TOTAL: 7 6. The Manhattan Skyliners SUPERS: 6, 3 HOURS: 4, -, -, 4, 5, 5, 7, - ACTIONS: -, -, -, -, 1, -, - 4 AM LEGO TREK: - ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 9 HOUR TOTAL: 25 ACTION TOTAL: 1 5. We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her SUPERS: 7, 8 HOURS: 5, 7, 4, 5, 5, 2, 7, 5 ACTIONS: 1, 4, ?, 1, 3, -, - 4 AM LEGO TREK: 2 ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 15 HOUR TOTAL: 40 ACTION TOTAL: 9 4. Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills SUPERS: 11, 15 HOURS: 4, 5, 5, 3, 3, 2, 6, 5 ACTIONS: 2, 3, 4, 3, 3, 2, 3 4 AM LEGO TREK: 4 ULTRA: 6 SUPER TOTAL: 26 HOUR TOTAL: 33 ACTION TOTAL: 20 3. It Goes To "Eleven" SUPERS: 13, 8 HOURS: 8, 6, 8, 5, 7, 5, 8, 6 ACTIONS: -, 3, 3, -, -, 4, - 4 AM LEGO TREK: 2 ULTRA: 5 SUPER TOTAL: 21 HOUR TOTAL: 53 ACTION TOTAL: 10 2. A Thermos of Phlegm SUPERS: 17, 5 HOURS: 6, 7, 7, 5, 7, 6, 8, 6 ACTIONS: 3, 3, 3, 2, 3, 3, 1 4 AM LEGO TREK: 1 ULTRA: 0 SUPER TOTAL: 22 HOUR TOTAL: 52 ACTION TOTAL: 18 1. The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things SUPERS: 22, 23 HOURS: 6, 7, 7, 7, 5, 7, 7, 6 ACTIONS: 4, 5, 5, 4, 4, 5, 3 4 AM LEGO TREK: 3 (plus the hand of Aylott) ULTRA: 5 SUPER TOTAL: 45 HOUR TOTAL: 52 ACTION TOTAL: 30 TOTAL ON-AIR POINTAGE SCORES: A Thermos of Phlegm 190 (probably 194; see explanation below) The Manhattan Skyliners 184 The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things 179 We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her 164 It Goes To "Eleven" 155 Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills 152 Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme 92 I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing 91 Abnormal Foreplay 91 TOTAL SUPER SCORES: The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things 45 Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills 26 A Thermos of Phlegm 22 It Goes To "Eleven" 21 Abnormal Foreplay 16 We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her 15 Parsley, Rosemary & Thyme 15 Manhattan Skyliners 9 I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing 9 TOTAL HOUR SCORES: It Goes To "Eleven" 53 A Thermos of Phlegm 52 The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things 52 We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her 40 Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills 33 I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing 26 The Manhattan Skyliners 25 Abnormal Foreplay 24 Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme 18 Yar 1 TOTAL ACTION SCORES: The Purpose of the Military Is To Kill People and To Break Things 30 Your Midsection: That Pandora's Box of Ills and Thrills 20 A Thermos of Phlegm 18 It Goes To "Eleven" 10 We Have a Wench, and We're Not Afraid to Use Her 9 Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme 7 I Woke Up This Morning and My Penis Was Missing 7 The Manhattan Skyliners 1 Abnormal Foreplay 0 (PHLEGM-GATE! NOTE: Some numbers don't seem to add up. Military outdid Phlegm by 42 points in Bonus-Action-Ultra-Etc. points. Subtracting their 27-point margin of victory leaves 15, but the announced scores allow only for an 11-point on-air points difference in Phlegm's favor. And yet the expected 24-point edge for Military over "Eleven" in on-air points IS there, precisely. Same for Midsection (27). Same for Wench (15). It'd probably be the same for Yar, if we bothered checking them. The math is perfect, except for Phlegm. The upshot is that Thermos of Phlegm must have gotten shortchanged 4 points somewhere, probably finishing with 291 points rather than 287. Due to Military's dominance, no one noticed. What's odd is that Phlegm scored 4 points on no one thing that could have been easily dropped from the spreadsheet. Not an Action, not a Bonus, not an Ultra. We're assuming, then, that the mystery points were from the on-air section, and have indicated 'em there. Isn't bookkeeping fun?)