The Brady Bonus

BAD PARENTING

Even though the Bradys are everybody's familial ideal, it isn't quite accurate to credit Mike and Carol as perfect parents. In fact, their parenting skills could get downright bizarre......

When Bobby realizes the pain of being the only Brady brat without a trophy, he goes all out to win one, entering magazine subscription races and ice cream eating contests. Naturally, he's a miserable failure. For what does Bobby finally receive that elusive trophy?
His own family "awards" him one for (pick one) "being the world's greatest Bobby Brady," or "for trying so hard." (LESSONS LEARNED: Pursue your envy at all costs. Failure carries no repercussions.)
After THE Davy Jones visits the Brady household, the kids get inspired! They form their own fab singing group, dubbed "the Nosybodies" by Marcia. Mike arranges their first paying gig-- what is it?
He pays them to sing elsewhere. (LESSONS LEARNED: Creative urges are to be squelched. One can profit by being aggravating.)
When that egomaniac Cindy aces out all the other girls in her class for the plum role of the Fairy Princess, she's delighted. Then, disaster strikes. Each kid in the school play is allowed only one ticket for the sole performance. Cindy's got to stick a shiv in her new dad's heart--- or her loving mom's! How do things finally get resolved?
Cindy's class stages a special second command performance exclusively for Mom AND Dad, plus the other five kids and Alice. (LESSONS LEARNED: Hard decisions need not be made. It is alright to inconvenience others for your own satisfaction. Your problems are more real than others'.)
After working their young tongues to the bone, the Brady girls only amass 54 books of trading stamps. The boys only have 40. Since the company is about to go out of business, they have to cash in NOW! Unfortunately, that means they have to settle for crappy prizes. 94 books of stamps would net a really cool prize, but the boys want a rowboat, while the girls insist on a sewing machine. What disturbed solution do Mom and Dad come up with?
The kids will build a house of cards, with the boys and girls alternating moves. Whichever sex knocks the house over gives the other sex the right to select the prize. (LESSONS LEARNED: Compromise is worthless. You can only succeed at others' expense. Parents are demonic hellspawn who revel in making their offspring squirm.)

BRADYS ON THE BRINK

The Bradys-- boring prisoners of suburbia, or daring thrillseekers who laugh at death? You be the judge!

We all remember Tiger the dog, who (in real life) met an action-packed end under the wheels of a florist's truck. But what of the lesser-known Brady pet, Fluffy the cat? Under what circumstances did we last see this short-lived shorthair?
Running for her life, being chased by Tiger across Mike and Carol's wedding cake. (Guess she didn't make it.)
The Brady's Grand Canyon vacation almost comes to a horrifying end, when the entire family is locked in an old jail cell and left to rot by crazy old coot Zacchariah T. Brown. However, the unsightly spectacle of Bradycannibalism is averted through what plan of escape?
Zacchariah leaves the keys to the cell on a hook across the room. Dad takes the Brady shoes and eventually succeeds in knocking the keys to the floor. Then, by linking Mom's purse to a chain of belts, he is able to drag the keys over.
Oh, that evil tiki doll. Another fun-filled vacation (this one to Hawaii) is transformed into a hellish journey of doom when Bobby picks up the cursed tiki as a souvenir. List three of the tiki's terrifying attacks on the Bradys.
Greg wipes out while surfing. Bobby's skull nearly crushed by a toppling picture frame. Peter awakes to a tarantula crawling across his body. Alice throws out her back while hula-ing.
Under what circumstances were we given the satisfying image of the Bradys being massacred, one by one?
In Bobby's dream of Jesse James; he watches as Jesse shoots his whole family.
In the frighteningly bad sequel series, "The Bradys," Bobby Brady is paralyzed, at least until Alice lifts her skirt, which sends him screaming from his sickbed. No, just kidding-- Alice's thang has no curative powers. But WHY was Bobby paralyzed?
From an auto racing crash.
In the awful "A Very Brady Christmas," it looks like a happy holiday when Mike is crushed under a collapsed building. Sadly, he survives. What enables him to lift the I-beam pinning his legs, and emerge from the rubble?
The Bradys join hands and sing Christmas carols, which imbue Mike with the inhuman strength to do so.

BRADYS GONE BONKERS

Whether it's Jan inventing imaginary boyfriends, Cindy scared spitless over a magic trick, or Peter secretly recording his family's behavior, there's a lot of psycho psyches in the Brady home. Analyze the following examples of aberrant cries for help.

When that stumblefoot Bobby falls out of a tree, he develops a severe case of acrophobia. (That's not a fear of good acting-- ALL the Bradys suffered from that.) Even the sight of Alice on the trampoline fails to cure Bobby's newfound neurosis. What finally helps him kick that fear of heights?
When his bird flies out the window and alights in a tree, an adrenaline-charged Bobby rescues the bird without thinking. (Naturally, this beloved bird that means everything to Bobby is never seen in any other episode.)
Bobby's brain was a real snakepit-- on another occasion, Bobby decides that he's just too short. He tries everything to increase his height, but as usual, fails. What finally makes the dwarfish loser so happy to be a shrimpo?
When he and Greg are accidentally locked inside Sam's meat locker, only Bobby is puny enough to crawl free.
The Bradys are beside themselves with excitement when they learn that Aunt Jenny is coming for a visit. That is, except for Jan. Why does Jan dread Jenny's arrival?
Because an old photo reveals that the homely-looking Aunt Jenny had been a dead ringer for Jan in her youth. Jan dreads seeing firsthand the inevitable path of looking-like-Aunt-Jennyhood to which her DNA dooms her.
With what confidence-shattering taunt does that big bully Buddy Hinton torment Cindy Brady?
"Baby talk, baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk."
When Peter decides that he has no personality (and rightly so), he undergoes a frighteningly swift series of personas, including one with a memorable speech impediment. What is being served for dinner that evening, and what adjective would best describe the meal?
"Pork chopssshhhh..... and apple shhaucchhhhhe. That'shh shhwell."

BRADY VS. BRADY

Whenever one of the Bradys dared to hope or dream, their fragile hold on their deepest desires was usually squashed by...... another Brady. Answer these questions about the seamy underside of Brady togetherness.

When the Bunch heads off to the King's Island amusement park, Jan does her best to destroy Dad's career by mixing up his blueprints with what?
A poster of Yogi Bear.
When Cindy's precious doll turns up missing, she immediately accuses Bobby of the theft. Even his biological brothers turn on him. Truly a latter-day Dreyfuss, Bobby is desperate to prove his innocence, and to pretend that his family's trust can ever be repaired. How does he get exonerated? And, what's the disappearing doll's name?
It turns out that Tiger the dog was the true klepto, when the doll is located in his doghouse. The doll's name is Kitty Karryall.
Even imagining her driving instructor in his underwear only enables Marcia to tie Greg's test score, making their bet a push. So, in a crazed attempt to dance on the defeated hulk of the other, they set up a private road test. Who wins, and how?
Marcia. Greg bumps the driving cone at road test's end, knocking the egg perched on top to a splattery loss. (The symbolism of the "cone" and the "broken egg yolk" isn't exactly a case for Fellini. Looks like Greg was imagining Marcia doing something that didn't even require underwear....)
When Jan starts sneezing around Tiger, it looks like the faithful mutt is headed for the gas chamber. What saves his hairy neck?
Jan's only allergic to Tiger's new flea powder. (Oddly, after all this commotion, Tiger would soon disappear forever, unnoticed by anyone in the family.)
Given the chance to become Johnny Bravo, Greg immediately ditches his no-talent siblings for a solo career. But Peter and Jan also screw up Brady singing plans. Name any three songs performed by the six kids ON THE TV SHOW. (Their rotten variety series doesn't count, either.)
"Time To Change"; "We Can Make the World A Whole Lot Brighter"; "It's A Sunshine Day"; and "Give Me That Good-Time Music." (There are, of course, dozens of additional Brady musical atrocities on their record albums.)

NAKED BUNCH

While Sam was slipping Alice the meat, six Bradys ripened into sexual maturity in the same bathroom. Besides, they're not REALLY brothers and sisters. Is it any wonder repressed hormones are everywhere-- if you know how to look?

When Cindy gives Marcia's diary to the Salvation Army Book Drive, Marcia's reputation is gasping for air. What lurid secret of secrets can be found on the pages within?
That Marcia's deepest of womanly longings is.... to become Mrs. Desi Arnaz, Jr.
What depraved act do Mike and Carol indulge in on their honeymoon night?
They bring along their six kids. (Rumors that Cindy held the camcorder are unsubstantiated.)
While her family sleeps, Marcia climbs out her bedroom window, clad only in a sheer nightie and lacy panties. What inspires the nubile lass to hit the darkened streets in such a provocative outfit?
She has to beat the midnight deadline for her "Father of the Year" essay submission. Obviously, the Bradys live in a neighborhood with 11:30 PM mail pickup.
That seething hunk of man, Jerry Rogers, is after Marcia. But he's only after one thing from her-- what?
Greg's football playbook. (Too bad-- a fumble near the tight end, and he....could.... go... all... the ....way.)
Greg spends the night with Raquel, who's wearing nothing but a small towel. YOW! Explain!
Raquel is a goat, the mascot of a rival school.
Cindy and Bobby try to go at it for 124 hours straight, but their young, inexperienced bodies can't handle the friction and strain. What-- exactly-- were they trying to do?
Have unprotected, non-stop anal sex, of course. Oops, wait-- wrong answer sheet. Oh, yes, here it is. Set the world teeter-totter record.
Greg gets a Super-8 camera, no doubt for Marcia's long, soapy shower sessions. What film does he recruit the entire family for?
"The First Thanksgiving."
Marcia needs to break her date with plain old Charley, to go after that luscious lust-lump Doug Simpson. Greg teaches her the magic phrase to let Charley down gently, but after Marcia takes a football to the face, Doug dumps her with the same lame line. What is it?
"Something suddenly came up." (Usually Marcia's beaus wait until the middle of the date to try THAT line.)