FIRST AND LAST LINES

1. You are only really concerned with what's in CAPITAL LETTERS, the lower case writing is just humorous tripe that's there to fill in between the actual first lines and last lines so that the whole thing makes some kind of sense.

2. Every phrase in capital letters is a direct quote either starting at the very beginning of a work or going to the work's very end. These phrases are NOT NECESSARILY COMPLETE SENTENCES, they MAY BE MORE THAN ONE SENTENCE too. EVERY FIRST OR LAST LINE HAS AN IDENTIFYING NUMBER, which corresponds to its number on the answer sheet. Many times, there are several first or last lines strung together without any lower case type to delineate them from each other. This is your job, but to make it somewhat easier, the end of each such string has in parentheses the numbers and order of its constituent phrases. DO NOT RELY ON PUNCTUATION. Although this is often a good clue, phrases could be punctuated differently in this superbonus than in the work from which they are taken.

3. A first line typically is the first words encountered after "chapter one," if the source is a book, the first audible words for a play or a song or a film or a TV show. There are other possible sources, all of them in one way or another recognizable as "complete works," e.g. poetry, The Wall Street Journal, etc. There is one and only one exception to this amongst the 84 first and last lines here assembled, and it is a quotation of a character's first or last line in a well-known work that does not occur at the very beginning or the very end of that work.

4. For each of the 84 first and last lines in the superbonus, you are asked to: a) determine whether it is a first (F) or last (L) line. b) give the title of the original work from which the phrase comes, or your best approximation thereof. If you don't know the title, we will read any particularly legible information that is relevant, or entertaining. PARTIAL CREDIT IS POSSIBLE IF A GUESS IS ESPECIALLY INSIGHTFUL OR INTELLIGENT. c) the name of the author, if relevant. If the work is not a book, a play, or a poem, then "author" is not needed, but if it is a song, we want the name of the artist(s). (Any artist who has recorded the song is acceptable.)

FAR OUT IN THE UNCHARTED BACKWATERS OF THE UNFASHIONABLE END OF THE WESTERN SPIRAL ARM OF THE GALAXY, IN ENGLAND'S GREEN AND PLEASANT LAND, IN THAT PLEASANT DISTRICT OF MERRY ENGLAND WHICH IS WATERED BY THE RIVER DON (1,2,3), bruce and sheila were SITTING IN THE STAND OF THE SPORTS ARENA, WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO BEGIN (4). nostalgic bruce, whose mind was BORNE CEASELESSLY INTO THE PAST (5), thought about his youth: "I WAS BORN IN THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT. ONCE WHEN I WAS A SIX YEARS OLD I SAW A MAGNIFICENT PICTURE IN A BOOK. IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY. WHY IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ART (6,7,8,9)?" i asked myself then. i also asked myself: IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? IS THIS JUST FANTASY? CAUGHT IN A LANDSLIDE? NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY? WHEN I WAS YOUNG, IT SEEMED THAT LIFE WAS SO WONDERFUL (10,11), i had lots of fun and crazy thoughts then, my imagination was BLASTING, BILLOWING, BURSTING FORTH WITH THE POWER OF TEN BILLION BUTTERFLY SNEEZES (12). but then, MIDWAY IN OUR LIFE'S JOURNEY, I WENT ASTRAY: THERE WAS NO POSSIBILITY OF TAKING A WALK THAT DAY (13,14) and for the first time, my imagination failed me. i'd like to see you TRY TO SET THE NIGHT ON FIRE (15) if IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. O FOR A MUSE OF FIRE, THAT WOULD ASCEND THE BRIGHTEST HEAVEN OF INVENTION (16,17)! but i HAVE NOW DONE WITH ALL SUCH VISIONARY SCHEMES FOREVER (18). yes, I WAS CURED ALL RIGHT (19). now remember, since THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE, WHAT FOLLOWS IS STRICTLY FOR THE EYES OF YOU: IT WAS A BRIGHT COLD DAY IN APRIL (APRIL IS THE CRUELLEST MONTH) AND THE CLOCKS WERE STRIKING THIRTEEN (20, 21, 22 (23) 22) when i decided that i wanted to learn things. so i went to college and learn things like: HE WHO DOES NOT KNOW THE RITES CANNOT TAKE HIS STAND. HE WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WORDS, CANNOT UNDERSTAND PEOPLE, A REAL NUMBER IS ONE THAT CAN BE WRITTEN AS AN UNENDING DECIMAL, POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, OR ZERO, A SPECTRE IS HAUNTING EUROPE-- THE SPECTRE OF COMMUNISM, IT IS A TRUTH UNIVERSALLY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT A YOUNG MAN IN POSSESSION OF A GOOD FORTUNE MUST BE IN WANT OF A WIFE, BEAUTY IS TRUTH, TRUTH BEAUTY-- THAT IS ALL YE KNOW ON EARTH, AND ALL YE NEED TO KNOW, FOR SUCH TRUTH AS OPPOSES NO MAN'S PROFIT AND PLEASURE IS TO ALL MEN WELCOME, OF WHAT IS GREAT ONE MUST EITHER BE GREAT OR SPEAK WITH GREATNESS, BEFORE THE LAW STANDS A DOORKEEPER, WE THAT ARE YOUNG SHALL NEVER SEE SO MUCH, NOR LIVE SO LONG, THERE ONCE WAS A BOY NAMED MILO WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIMSELF-- NOT JUST SOMETIMES, BUT ALWAYS (24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33). i even learned that I HEARTILY ACCEPT THE MOTTO-- "THAT GOVERNMENT IS BEST WHICH GOVERNS LEAST." (34). not only did i learn all that silly stuff, but I COULD TELL YOU WHAT AN ALTERNATING-GRADIENT SYNCHROTRON IS AND YOU WOULD PROBABLY BELIEVE ME (35). i do have some fond memories of college though; i remember saying to myself on the first day: WELL, HERE I SIT AT COLLEGE AWAITING MY NEW ROOMMATE. I KNOW HE'S COOL, SINCE HE'S COMPUTER SELECTED (36). i also remember walking past king's liquors coming from the log and seeing that wonderful inflatable bottle: DEAR KINDLY SERGEANT KRUPKE, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND (37). i also remember late nights watching the really late night movie after some friends introduced me to hallucinogenics: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR TV SET. WE ARE IN CONTROL (38). then my roommate came in. we hadn't seen him in four days, we figured that he had done something radical like finding a girlfriend, but that didn't seem likely. HE DREW A DEEP BREATH, "WELL I'M BACK," HE SAID (39). "where've you been?" i asked incoherently. A LONG TIME AGO (40), about four days, to be exact, an adventure began, and I'M THE SOLE SURVIVOR (41). he began his story:

ALL THIS HAPPENED, MORE OR LESS. IT ALL STARTED TWO THANKSGIVINGS AGO, THAT IS, TWO YEARS AGO ON THANKSGIVING. WE WERE SOMEWHERE AROUND BARSTOW AT THE EDGE OF THE DESERT WHEN THE DRUGS BEGAN TO TAKE HOLD, WE THE PEOPLES, SITTING ON A PARK BENCH, EYEING LITTLE GIRLS WITH BAD INTENT-- DID WE REALLY COUNT TO ONE HUNDRED (42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47) of them? we couldn't remember, when all of a sudden this disembodied voice rang out menacingly: YOU ARE ENTERING ANOTHER DIMENSION (48). we found ourselves by the bridge of death over the gorge of eternal peril, below us the RIVERRUN IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND (49, 50). then this twisted old man came up to us and handed us an old photo-card. "THIS IS GEORGE. HE LIVED IN AFRICA. HE WAS VERY HAPPY. THEY MAKE EXCELLENT SWIZZLE STICKS (51, 52) in africa! MUST RETURN CARD (53) he said, reaching for it, so we gave it to him. african or european, this bird was hard to swallow. then, with a blinding flash and a puff of smoke, this guy with horns growing out of his head appeared, introduced himself as tim, and said in a preposterous welsh accent, "WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS, TO THE SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS. WE'RE SO GLAD YOU COULD ATTEND, COME INSIDE, COME INSIDE (54)." some people in mountie uniforms were singing "COME AND PLAY, EVERYTHING'S A-OK (55)" in amongst the giant redwoods, the larches, and the ones that have the leaves with the sort of serrated edges-- the willows. michael baldwin said LET US GO THEN, YOU AND I (56), so we walked forward, right into the sheep dip: SAIGON-- SHIT! (57) we both said, then went right towards this filthy cave that had the bones of a full fifty men strewn about the entrance. we petted the cute little bunny rabbit at the mouth of the cave, and went inside. there was this sultry typist in the back reading from the book of brian: ONE DAY ETHEL THE AARDVARK WAS HOPPING DOWN THE LANE (58) and then THAT NIGHT MAX PUT ON HIS WOLF SUIT (59) and spoketh thus: "FROM THE SUN IN THE SUMMER, TO THE RAIN IN THE FALLISH, I'M GOING TO PROTECT THEM, NO MATTER HOW SMALLISH. BE WHAT YOU IS AND NOT WHAT YOUSE NOT, THE FOLKS THAT DOES THIS IS THE HAPPIEST LOT. BREAKFAST, BREAKFAST......SUN-- DOCK-- TROG AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER......WELL, WELL, LET'S GET ON WITH IT (60, 61, 62, 63, 64). she had a marvelous speaking voice, and if i'm lucky, SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO MAKE HER MINE (65).

well, i was lucky, because when i went up to her and gave her my greeting card: HI, I'M VERY SHY AND THIS IS REALLY EMBARRASSING FOR ME, BUT I SING OF ARMS, AND A MAN (66, 67) and a woman, and i was wondering if you'd like to come to my place and see my etchings? she screamed and said: "Low life scum, KEEP YOUR FINGERS OUT OF MY EYE (68), you sappy english bedwetting type! besides, YOU NEVER CLOSE YOUR EYES ANYMORE WHEN I KISS YOUR LIPS." "WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A GOOD LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU COULD DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL WICKEDNESS?" (69, 70) i replied. so we talked it out and by the time i HAD GIVEN HER A HEART TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MY HEART USED TO BE (71) it was practically morning, so i WOKE UP, GOT OUT OF BED (72) in order to GO BID THE SOLDIERS SHOOT. AFTER ALL, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY (73, 74) and you might just as well start it with a bang. to make a long story short, we consummated the divorce in a very touching ceremony, since relationships are, AS AN INSTITUTION, FUNDAMENTALLY CONCERNED WITH THE FREE FLOW (75) of things like that. anyway, YOU CAN'T SAY WE NEVER TRIED (76). as i walked out of the cave, i saw some french soldiers peering out of the door of their castle, then one of them said: "IT'S ALRIGHT, GUYS, THEY'RE GONE NOW" (77) and they all came out and pushed this silly wooden badger, with lancelot, bors and arthur inside of it, off the cliff into the gorge of eternal peril. "YOU'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?" (78) they called after the rapidly dwindling badger in outrageous french accents. "YES I SAID I WILL YES" (79) i heard arthur respond. "do you know what that silly english knight said?" i asked. "we don't know that," they all replied. then there was this crack of thunder and all the french soldiers were hurled into the gorge. what happened to them MIGHT BE THE SUBJECT OF A NEW STORY-- OUR PRESENT STORY IS ENDED (80), for when i rounded the little hillock i found myself in germany, and i LEFT MUNICH AT 8:35 P.M., ON FIRST MAY.

GOOD NIGHT AND MAY THE GOOD NEWS BE YOURS.

EXPLICIT LIBER REGIS QUONDEM REGISQUE FUTURI. THE BEGINNING

I'D LIKE TO SAY "THANKS" ON BEHALF OF THE GROUP AND MYSELF, AND I HOPE WE PASSED THE AUDITION (81, 82, 83, 84).