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Good Lord, that sentence was almost--almost--as unwieldy as the movie Underworld itself. Fortunately for all of us, my Dad is William Strunk, Jr., who wrote the classic "Elements of Style." How would your dad feel, realizing that his scriptwriters didn't know how to omit needless words? I guess that he would feel terrible.
Needless words? Let's talk about compound modifiers! My dad is E.B. White, and if he saw that William Strunk, Jr. had not noticed the absence of two requisite hyphens in that sentence, he'd have to revise your dad's whole book! How would your dad feel if he realized that, as the well-known authority on grammar, he had missed improperly-formed compound modifiers? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Really? My dad owns Pabst, and controls your supply of cheap, lukewarm beer. Without his glorious corporation, you'd have to spend even more of your paltry work-study funds on alcohol. How would your dad feel if the entire Beiruit-centered culture of Williams collapsed at our feet? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Pabst? Any self-loathing student knows that natty, busch or beast are the mainstay of this campus for beirut. How do I know this? My dad invented beirut. He was there years ago foreseeing the war on terrorism, when he decided that people accurately bombarding strategic targets with ping-pong balls is henceforth to be called Beirut, and anyone who disagrees is a terrorist. How would your dad feel if we didn't have a game to play to justify the consumption of his craptastic beer? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Oh, yeah? My dad is a professional ping-pong player. In fact, he revolutionized the game. Without him, we would still be batting around huge leather balls stuffed with feathers instead of the oh-so-bouncy plastic variety we see today. How would your dad feel if you contracted a mysterious eye disease from being splashed in the face with beer because the ball that plunked into your beer cup was too big and heavy? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Ping Pong? Pssht! My dad is Jimbo Wales, creator of wikipedia. Is your dad so powerful that he can ban people from committing their extensive knowledge of anime and porn to the internet for the enjoyment of the masses? Didn't think so. How would your dad feel if my dad created a wikipedia article about him, vandalized it, and blocked your dad and all his friends from editing it? I would guess that your dad (who I read on the internet is a total douche) would feel terrible.
Anime and porn? Bah. My dad invented hentai. Before hentai, all you could do was look at pictures of your favorite anime chicks and imagine them naked. How would your dad feel if my dad created a hentai video of your favorite manga girl having sex with an underage dog? I would guess that he would feel terrible and horny.
Hentai? My Dad is above that. In fact, he has, for several years now, been above even seeing my immediate family, dealing with us in brief notes that get passed through various secretarial hands before reaching us. He's just that busy. How would your Dad feel if he were...if you were to...I mean, if you never got to see him, your own dear father...not even Little League games, he never even came, even on your birthday...you know, I guess I feel pretty terrible.
Busy and neglectful? Weak. My dad refuses to use a car, so he's the buffest 50 year old you'll ever meet. He also has to take occasional trips for work, so we never see him because he's riding 100 miles a day to and from Oregon. Before my dad, people never saw a bicycle traveling faster than their car on the highway. My dad is also a champion kick-boxer; it comes from all the riding.
Oh yeah? My dad is God; Richard Dawkins always stops by to say He doesn't exist. He created Chuck Norris, the dad of the guy above me, who almost got his candidate of choice (Huckabee) elected.
God, eh? Well, my dad is [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russell%27s_teapot Russell's teapot]. If properly used, he totally obliterates God in an argument. How would you feel if my dad invalidated your dad's religious beliefs and/or poured scalding hot tea on his crotch? I would guess that this would be a tremendous blow to the integrity of his value system. And his crotch.
A teapot? That's a load of hot water! My dad is Shien Non Shei, the man who invented tea. How would your dad feel if my dad made him completely irrelevant and stupid? I guess that he would feel like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack.
Oh yeah? Well my dad invented the space bar! How would your dad feel if my dad started upholding his patent and your dad started having to pay for every word in the ridiculously wordy labels on his tea bags? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
