[[Category:Class of 2009]]
His legend was almost as big as his thirst for beast ice 30 racks...Once called "Fireball" by all who graced his presence, this is a sad tale about a grizzled man who has forsaken his name, his goals, his appetite, and worst of all his pride. Instead of crushing day old [[Snack Bar]] cookies BEFORE dinner and dropping straights on his [[poker]] opponents like they were hot, he has now packed it in for a "socially acceptable" life. Gone are the days he would slug 2 liters of Mountain Dew before bed just to prove caffeine didn't keep him up. Gone also are the days he would purposely loose $4.90 of his $5 buy in just to prove he could beat us all in a game of Texas Hold'em with only 10 cents. His ability to steal blinds like a seasoned tunnel rat has diminished into the ability to show up for work on time, write papers for his classes, do econ and organic chemistry problem sets and study "paintings." Worst of all, he leads a life without snack bar cookies, parties, horror movies, South Park, the [[Lehman]] basement, ninjas, or internet porn. "Fireball" is now just...Jonathan.
June 2006: From the Rugby Handbook:
Nickname: cockslapper 5'7" 145 (yeah, right).
Militant when drunk. Enjoys slapping around the women's team and Pancho Bruschetta. Assaulted Chris Kim with a smoked summer sausage. Never met a son of Abraham he didn't like.
November 15, 2006: It has been merely a rumor until today. It has been confirmed that Jon is now going by the self-created nickname, "The Widowmaker."
Spring Break 2007: Jon spent the entire two weeks on campus. When asked to estimate the number of days on which he did not leave the area of his bedroom, common room and bathroom in Prospect, he replied, "Conservatively...six."
Spring 2007: Jonathan will be a JA for the 2007-2008 academic year. For any of Jon's freshman reading this page (in the future), be forewarned, every word is true--PLEASE BRING BACK FIREBALL!