Sex

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, but We're Not Afraid to Ask

Other than for self-fulfillment, why did early Romans place their hands on their testicles?
They swore oaths by their testes, hence the verb "to testify."
What was developed by Sylvester Graham as an aid in the reduction of sexual desire?
Graham crackers (recommended for young girls).
How did Marilyn Chambers first gain national exposure?
Before beginning her porno career, Chambers was the 99 44/100% pure mom in Ivory Snow ads.
What word was Florence Henderson the first to use on television?
"Pregnant."
What is the supposed location of the G-spot?
Inside the vagina, on the back wall.
What was the film biography of porn great John Holmes called?
"Exhausted."
According to the U.S. Supreme Court, what are the 3 criteria necessary for something to be considered obscenity?
1) No redeeming social importance; 2) Appealing to prurient interests; 3) Violating accepted community standards.
According to Tom Lehrer, what's REALLY involved in the fight against obscenity laws?
Dirty books are fun!
What "Carol Burnett Show" semi-regular was Playgirl's first centerfold?
Lyle Waggoner.
What are "ben wah balls," and what is the embarrassing drawback of using them while traveling?
Smooth metal balls which are placed inside the vagina, where their rotations arouse the woman, or any visitors. However, they can set off the alarms in metal detectors.
In the horror spoof "Pandemonium" two students hear a strange noise while in bed together. The man decides to check it out and is asked by his partner "Do you want me to come with you?" What is his reply?
"Yes, if we time it right." (Like we all didn't see THAT one coming down the middle of Fifth Avenue.)
According to Playgirl, what are the "Lipstick," the "Motorboat," and the "Pleasurable Protuberance?'
The clitoris.
Who said that the ideal magazine cover featured "sex, sex, sex, sex. What's new?"

Sex Among the Cultured

What Shakespearean play features the less than subtle line "He ploughed her, and she cropped?"
"Antony & Cleopatra."
In Voltaire's "Candide," Cunegonde relates a tale of having been not-quite accosted by a man who "sighing and muttering between his teeth" said, 'Oh che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!' What does this mean?
"Oh, what a terrible time to be without balls!"
What deviant sexual practice was performed frequently by certain members of the Buendia family in "One Hundred Years of Solitude"?
Incest.
What early 17th century English poet dedicated one of his major works to convincing virgins that life was too short for them to remain that way, and to what part of his mistress' body did he devote a later work?
Andrew Marvell (we think).

Sex Among Folks Who Don't Care if They're Cultured

Name the person who publishes the following magazines:

Penthouse
Bob Guccione
Playboy
Hugh Hefner
Hustler
Larry Flynt
Screw
Al Goldstein
Rolling Stone (we're only asking this because of that picture of Lisa Bonet they put in the last issue)
Jann Wenner

Tenderness Among the Two-Dimerisional

What was the brutally explicit sexual advice about the health threat of AIDS that "Bloom Picayune" Chief Editor Armand Dipthong gave to his readers?
"DON'T FOOL AROUND."
According to "The Dieter's Guide to Weight Loss During Sex," what are 3 methods of delaying orgasm?
Play with the dog, go to the bathroom, make phone calls.
According to "Love is Hell," how does Nietzsche define love?
"It is as thrilling as a snowmobile whizzing across the snowy tundra. Suddenly, it flips over, pinning you under its weight. At night, the ice weasels come." (Wording approximate except for the last sentence.)
In one particular "Far Side," two creatures of a bovine nature, apparently of opposite sexes, are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "So, what d'ya say?..Maybe we could go back to my place ... Have a few drinks ... a little alfalfa....Maybe we could show each other our brands ... Ha ha ha ha ha." What is the caption?
"Cattle hustlers."

Things Woody Allen Would Like You To Believe He Knows About Sex

Annie Hall
How does Alvy defend masturbation?
"It's sex with someone I love."
Sleeper
Why didn't Diane Keaton's character and her artist friend have sex after the dinner party?
"Not enough people."
Zelig
Why did Zelig break with Freud on the issue of penis envy?
Freud felt it should be restricted to men.
Love and Death
What is the difference between sex and death?
They are both events that occur just once in a lifetime...... only after death, you're not nauseous.
Manhattan
While dining with Yale, Diane Keaton's character insists that she could have sex with every member of a certain elite group. What is the group?
The entire faculty of M.I.T.

And Now For Something Completely Different

Give the scientific terms for sexual arousal gained from the followingsources:

Feces
Coprophilia
Enemas
Klismophilia
Urine
Urophilia
Intercourse with animals
Zoophilia (Apparently NOT "bestiality," which failed to get credit. My vote goes to "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.")
Rubbing up against strangers
Frotteurism/ frotage.