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My Dad
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Are you kidding me? My dad drinks gasoline to wash down his lunch. This one time, he walked into a gas station and just pumped that golden liquid straight down his throat in front of everybody. How would you dad feel if he were to pull into a gas station and realize that his hummer was more fuel-efficient than my father? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big deal. My dad is really rich. How would your dad feel like it if my dad reserved every table at every restaurant in America on your parents' 25th anniversary? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Well my dad has a controlling stake in a major media company. How would your dad like it if my dad cancelled your dad's favorite TV show, and put ''Touched By an Angel'' re-runs in its slot? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Oh give me a break! My dad used to be an embryo. Then he turned into a fetus and finally was born after which he became my liberal, Kerry-voting dad. How would your dad feel if when he was an embryo, he found out that my dad was pro-choice? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Does this face look frightened? My dad works for the Department of Homeland Security. He has like Level 4 clearance, which means he can put people on the terrorist watch list just because they're my dad says he saw them wearing a turban. How would your dad like to be racially profiled? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big whoop. My dad is Catullus. He's like one of the most important poets of all time, up there with Homer, Shakespeare, and maybe Jim Morrison. How would your dad like it if his writings were memorialized as "cacata carta" in a poem that would delight speakers and students of Latin for thousands and thousands of years? The real question is, how will your dad feel when he finds out that "cacata carta" translates to "paper having been shat out of my exceedingly tight asshole"? I would guess that he will feel terrible.
My dad is Peter Funt, host of ''Candid Camera''. How would your dad feel if my dad pulled a really funny prank on your dad on national television? I would guess that he would feel terrible.