Ted Wiles

Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles


Ted (center), in his salad days playing for the pop-punk band Relient K

Born c. 1920, Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles is both the question and its answer, thesis and antithesis. He is a paradox of time and energy. Explanations of his existence were the impetus for the development of both relativity and later quantum field theory in 20th century physics. After conquering the power of zero point energy, Theodore traveled back in time and made love to a woman. Three months later that woman gave birth to a 14 lbs son, Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles. The year was 1920.

While meditating in the wilderness during wartime, Theodore carved ten jokes onto two stone tablets. Later, during a fight with forty bears and fourteen stray sasquii, Theodore unleashed the power of the eye of Thundera, inadvertently ripping a hole in space time for a brief period. The bears and sasquii were killed. The two tablets were lost in the fight. It was later concluded, after confirming with Theodore, that they became the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament.

As a boy, Theodore looked at a tree and felt a sudden urge to write furiously. What emerged was the currently accepted proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. He gave the proof to Andrew Wiles, his distant cousin, in order to escape celebrity and intellectual renown. Scholars are still debating this move, but the current thinking is that he did it to avoid scrutiny from the IRS. He has never paid taxes.

Once, over a log fire between a small group of friends, it was claimed that he has climbed all seven of the world's tallest mountains without oxygen and the use of his legs. It has been said that his only emotional ties lie in photosynthetic representations of Felis silvestris cata.

Theodore Wiles has never had a blog.

He is the only American to have the title "the" officially included before his name on his passport. Ironically, other countries need to obtain visas before they are allowed to travel to The Theodore.

Selected 2nd overall in the 1984 NBA draft under the alias Sam Bowie, a promising career was cut short when Michael Jordan took advantage of a genetic back problem and put him in the scrum during a rookies vs. sophmores pick-up rugby game. Jordan later wrote about the incident in his biography: "Sometimes the fudge is twelve times to explode trees, hands Thursday."

During Winter Study, Theodore trained himself in the art of polyphasic sleep scheduling. Instead of following through rigorously with the plan, he would sleep for 10+ hour blocks by accident due to the lack of REM sleep, and ultimately failed his Spanish language continuation class. As a result he wasn't allowed to go abroad in his Junior Fall to El Savador. He planned to study the indigenous population of the thick-breasted Pacas birds.

The "S." in Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles' name stands for "Satchmo," which was his nickname during his days playing trumpet in the jazz clubs of New Orleans. Satchmo Wiles had considerable success with vocal recordings, including versions of famous songs composed by his old friend Hoagy Carmichael.

Theodore was the original actor cast to play the starring role in American Psycho before Christian Bale took over. Theodore is strictly a method actor and was asked to leave the film by the director, Mary Herron, after the double prostitute scene.

Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles grew to his full height of 6'4" when he was eleven years old. He was such a large youth that his father, Franklin S. Delano Wiles, entered him in international manchild fighting competitions. Theodore's career was prosperous until he broke an obese Thai boy's neck in a Muay Thai competition when he was thirteen. After the incident, his sponsor, Rochester Big & Tall, pulled their financial backing.

Jurassic Park was based on the early part of Theodore's life.

After centuries of high-rep, light-weight work, he can finally bench his own body weight. His emphasis on explosive lifts has allowed him to improve on the 8 minutes it takes light to get from the sun to earth; he can make the journey in 6:45.

Theodore defeated Switzerland in 1814; they've been neutral ever since. When Swiss troops accidentally invaded Lichtenstein, he power cleaned them back to Geneva just to remind why they stopped fighting in the first place.

If Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles emerges from his burrow on Theodore S. Roosevelt Wiles Day and fails to see his shadow because the weather is cloudy, winter will soon end. If he sees his shadow, he will return into his burrow, and the winter will continue for 6 more weeks. Theodore is known as an outlier Wiles as he usually has a reaction contrary to those of his cousins, among whom are the famous weather-predicting French Creek Freddie Wiles, Punxsutawney Phil Wiles, and General Beauregard Lee Wiles.

In fourteen hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

In nineteen hundred and forty two, Ted.

Theodore's brand of TV includes sheer cliff climbs, wading massive rapids, and even wrapping his urine-soaked t-shirt around his head to help stave off the desert heat. Ted has eaten snakes, eaten raw fish with the comment "I love sushi!", rubbed ice on his body to warm up after jumping into an icy lake, squeezed elephant dung into his mouth for water, ripped raw chunks of meat off a dead zebra with his teeth, drank his own urine, and spent hours constructing a bamboo bridge in attempt to cross a river. Intermittently, Dumptruck Wiles also regales the viewer with tales of other adventurers stranded in the wilderness. These stories inevitably end in one of two ways: someone gets "lucky" and survives or someone struggles to remain alive for weeks on end but eventually dies.

Ted made his first film / television appearance on the longest running TV game show, Family Feud, in 1983 which was directed by Paul Alter. Since then he has been the notable star of two short films. The first, "Weight," by D.R. Samuels is a haunting tale of a man who is ghosted by the memory of his girlfriend. Ted beautifully captures the longing of the primary character, "Ted." In the second short film, "Procrastination," by Toby Funke Hall, Ted plays the role of the wisealeck Cook. He keenly renders his pork-chop grilling characters' sharp insights on the world of the main character, Toby Hall, and his relationship with Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Theodore played chess once...and chess lost.

S4tchM4nsN4tch, Theodore's hacker pseudonym, is widely considered responsible for the DDOS attack on 4chan.org in December of 2007. It is rumored the attack came after a script kiddy, B1bby, posted an alleged 'shop' of Theodore fellating the Pope. Ted is neither religious or Catholic. His vegenance, however, is swift and just.

Ted beats Amherst in a google fight: http://www.googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=Ted+Wiles&word2=Amherst+College

During the 1980-81 season, Teddy was a statless wonder for the Des Moines Buccaneers of the USHL, but decided to move on to a career in basketball a few years later. http://www.hockeydb.com/ihdb/stats/pdisplay.php3?pid=70913

In the mid 1990's Ted Wiles was briefly both the capitol of Ecuador and the constitution of Myanmar. However he was removed from both these positions when scientists realized that his power had grown so great that it was forming a giant "cosmic vortex" capable of creating black holes and tearing the very fabric of space-time itself. Before leaving the earth, Ted farted in an old abandoned warehouse near Geneva, Switzerland. He now spends his time roaming the Galaxy and feeding on planets. He appeared briefly in the 1985 movie "Transformers:The Movie" as Omnicron, voiced by Orson Welles.

The Jacobian of Ted's life has non-zero imaginary eigenvalues. When he sleeps his dreams are Hopf bifurcations. He is everywhere differentiable.

When Ted was named the MVP of Super Bowls I-XLIII, Disney World came to him and rode even single one of his rides. They attempted to stage a parade in his honor, but he politely responded that that was pussy shit and that he would be busy wizarding Cinderella's G on top of Spaceship earth.

Known Aliases: Ted, The Ted, Teddy, Mr. Ted, Sam Bowie, T. Fagles, T. Feagles, Horsepiss Wiles, Steve Perry, Dumptruck, Dumptruck Wiles