415
edits
Changes
no edit summary
Is that a fact? Well, my dad is [[Religion|God]]. How would your dad feel about total omnipotence? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Oh really? Well, my dad is an atheist, and around the time you learned that Santa Claus was really your parents, I learned that God is really a fabrication of the ruling classes priest class designed to dupe the masses everybody else into renouncing reason and believing that human freedom is unimportant and that misery will be rewarded in the some sort of afterlife. How would your dad feel about being told that existence is a fleeting, meaningless void? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Don't be so sure. My dad is [[Morty Schapiro]]. He heads up the best school in the Purple Valley, not to mention in the country, or the rest of the world, and sports a wicked white beard. Everyone loves Morty, and even if they [[Stuff Morty Should Definitely Do|try to tell him what to do]], he doesn't listen, because he's a total badass. He is also the little-known leader of an underground street racing circuit in Bennington. How would your dad feel about getting the liberal arts kicked out of him? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Hold up! My dad actually invented crack, opium, and morphine. Not only that, but he makes new and improved batches every day, which he tests personally. How would your dad feel about playing the "who's feeling worse emotional pain" game with my dad? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Is that all? My dad spent our entire family fortune... buying somebody else's soul on Ebay. Since then, our family has found countless uses for this extra soul. I can't even begin to explain how much better our lives have been because of it. "The truth of a single soul is inexpressible," my dad told me while our mom was softly crying in the corner. How would your dad feel about not being able to forcefeed his youngest son a second soul? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Are you kidding me? My dad drinks gasoline to wash down his lunch. This one time, he walked into a gas station and just pumped that golden liquid straight down his throat in front of everybody. How would you dad feel if he were to pull into a gas station and realize that his hummer was more fuel-efficient than my father? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big deal. My dad is really rich. Also, he controls the media. He basically does whatever he wants, and he usually wants to make other people miserable. How would your dad feel if my dad reserved every table at every restaurant in America on your parents' 25th anniversary, or ? I would guess that he would feel terrible. Well my dad has a controlling stake in a major media company. How would your dad like it if he my dad cancelled your dad's favorite TV show, and put ''Touched By an Angel'' re-runs in its slot? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
So what... My dad is really an alien. He has sweet telepathy skills, and he invented the internet. How would your dad feel if he saw my dad's thirty-foot retractable penis? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Oh give me a break! My dad used to be an embryo. Then he turned into a fetus and finally was born after which he became my liberal, Kerry-voting dad. How would your dad feel if when he was an embryo, he found out that my dad was pro-choice? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Does this face look frightened? My dad works for the Department of Homeland Security. He has like Level 4 clearance, which means he can put people on the terrorist watch list just because they're wearing a turban. How would your dad like to get naked in front of a beefy DHS agent every time he tried to board an airplanebe racially profiled? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big whoop. My dad is Catullus. He's like one of the most important poets of all time, up there with Homer, Shakespeare, and maybe Jim Morrison. How would your dad like it if his writings were memorialized as "cacata carta" in a poem that would delight speakers and students of Latin for thousands and thousands of years? The real question is, how will your dad feel when he finds out that "cacata carta" means translates to "paper having been shat out of my exceedingly tight asshole"? I would guess that he will feel terrible.
My dad is Peter Funt, host of ''Candid Camera''. He makes a living by making a fool out of unassuming Americans on national television. How would your dad feel if my dad pulled a really funny prank on your dad, and everybody who watches the PAX network laughed really really really hard at your dadon national television? I would guess that he would feel terrible.