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Are you kidding me? My dad drinks gasoline to wash down his lunch. This one time, he walked into a gas station and just pumped that golden liquid straight down his throat in front of everybody. How would you dad feel if he were to pull into a gas station and realize that his hummer was more fuel-efficient than my father? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big deal. My dad is really rich. How He basically does whatever he wants. You know how upper-middle white people shop at Sam's Club and buy things in bulk? Well, my dad's so rich he buys things in SUPERBULK. Some rich people acquire the best things money can buy. My dad's philosophy is to acquire the ''most'' things money can buy. Like when I was a baby, my dad solved the Diaper Problem by buying 130 million disposable diapers, all on one order. That's enough to catch all the baby crap in Turkey for an entire year. Then my dad acquired another 2 million diapers for me by personally raiding a Red Cross relief ship headed for Africa. We still have most of those diapers. They're in our enormous basement. Anyway, how would your dad like it if , on your parents' 25th anniversary, my dad reserved every table at every restaurant in America on , and didn't let your parents' 25th anniversarysit at any of them? I would guess So that he would feel terrible. Well my your dad has was forced to celebrate his marriage over a controlling stake in a major media company. How would your dad like it if my dad cancelled couple of Quarter Pounders with Cheese? And then your dad's favorite TV show, and put ''Touched By an Angel'' re-runs in its slotcame home to find the front yard buried under six feet of unused Pampers? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
So what... My dad is really an alien. He has sweet telepathy skills, and he invented the internet. How would your dad feel if he saw my dad's thirty-foot retractable penis? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Oh give me a break! My dad used to be an embryo. Then he turned into a fetus and finally was born after which he became my liberal, Kerry-voting dad. How would your dad feel if when he was an embryo, he found out that my dad was pro-choice? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Does this face look frightened? My dad works for the Department of Homeland Security. He has like Level 4 clearance, which means he can put people anyone wearing a turban or who looks like they have "turban hair" on the terrorist watch list just because my dad says he saw them wearing a turban. How would your dad like to be racially profiled? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
Big whoop. My dad is Catullus. He's like one of the most important foremost poets of all time, up there with Homer, Shakespeare, and maybe Jim Morrisonancient Rome. How would your dad like it if his writings were forever memorialized by my dad as "cacata carta" in a poem that would delight speakers and students of Latin for thousands and thousands of years? The real question is, how will your dad feel when he finds out that "cacata carta" translates to is Latin for "paper having been shat out of my exceedingly tight anus"? I would guess that he will feel terrible.
That's nothing. My dad is a wizard at technology. He could borrow all of your dad's copies of your childhood videos and edit them so that it was just him alone on the tapes. How would your dad feel then when he watched them again and began to question whether his family really existed? I would guess that he would feel terrible.
